Tracee

2010-06-21T08:38:00.002-04:00

Good Morning!

Up early today to take my littles to the dentist. I am working on psyching myself up for dealing with the possible "talking-to" I may get for how one of my kid's teeth look. This particular child shows up as allergic to fluoride on his ALCAT tests, so we tried going w/out fluoride; he doesn't like the taste of any of the natural toothpastes, so he does use fluoride. He flosses, he brushes, just not as often as he could to avoid plaque build up, which is what I'm afraid of hearing about, never mind having to comfort this child through the scraping of the plaque. ACK! He has had a cavity filled before, he knows how uncomfortable it is, but still forgets, over time, and ends up resisting tooth brushing. I am letting it go. :)

Philip returned from a 3 day/3 night visit with family friends in Newberry last night. He went to Carowinds with them on Sunday, yet the most excitement came from him while he was telling me all about walking downtown with Jake & Toby, unsupervised, to go to the Pizza Parlor. They ordered their own food, ate & then went next door for rootbeer floats. I think he definitely needs more of that freedom, but I'm not sure how to offer it to him while we live in a place that is not quite as small as downtown Newberry & with nothing like the place he went within 4 miles of our home. It will work itself out. :)

We've been having lots of visits to Charleston this summer, even though it is only officially Summer today. We're all very much enjoying having visitors and taking them out to the local beaches & other sites! We recently bought a pass to the SC Aquarium, so we are set up for fully entertaining, even on rainy or too-hot days. Life is good.

The littles decided they'd like to spend their saved money on some new Wii games yesterday. They were up till midnight playing Mario Galaxy, Madden 10 & Lego Indiana Jones. Then they asked if they could set an alarm for 3am. WHAT? LOL. We ended up not using an alarm at all & they were still up by 8. They definitely know how to live in their joy!

Ed has been working like crazy, but also making sure to fish, kayak and beach it whenever he can. The Charleston move was a very good one for him, & the rest of us too.

I've been watching tons of movies since we got Netflix. I LOVE it! I am feeling pretty well recovered from surgery, so it's easier to keep up with the house and with the kids on summer break, I am totally letting them burn their energy however they want to, which is mostly on Wii games. Which equals me getting lots of time to read and movie-watch. I have wasted a couple hours on a Fern Michaels book; I am having a hard time finishing it because the writing is so, I hate this word, but, Lame. It is terribly written! The plot is interesting, but it is obvious this chic is writing far from home, with the exception of the character of Winston, the dog. She obviously knows her dogs, but that's it. I just want to know what happens, so I'm trudging through anyway.

Well, I'm off to write my list of things I need to purchase today...I've been wanting an avocado for several days & keep forgetting to get one, haha. So, dentist, avocado shopping, & then whatever we want to do!

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment, I thrive on comments!! Hehe.

Love, Me

Current Events

2010-06-06T02:26:00.024-04:00

Ok. So. I try, as naive as it may be, to stay away from reading or watching the news. I know most of you will agree with me when I say it is always bad news and very hard to see or hear. So, after years of staying in tune with the world, (yes, I know, after even more years of living the blissful life of total ignorance, LOL) I have been trying to avoid being aware of what's happening. I am just too sensitive to have all the sadness of the world broadcast to me daily or, even hourly.

Alas, having children in school & a husband who is very passionate about the environment, I have had to lift the wool, just a tiny bit, in order to peek at the circumstances surrounding the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Oh. My. Gosh. Again, I know most of you will agree with me that this is an absolutely horrendous disaster. We can see pictures all over the Internet, & on television screens, of the oil sodden pelicans & other wildlife; we can see live & 24 hours a day the gushing oil; we can see from satellite pictures or just regular video coverage the vast area of our ocean that the oil is gushing into. We can also hear & see and read about who needs to take responsibility and who needs to be blamed; we hear that B.P. must cover the expenses, we hear that our current administration isn't DOING enough & certainly not fast enough. See, this oil spill clearly exhibits, right here and right now, how it is damaging our ocean, ocean life, marsh life, fishing & shrimping companies, & of course us. Oil is, after all, toxic to humans. Anyone directly helping in the cleanup efforts will be exposed to this toxin in one way or another, despite all the protective gear and training they will have had. Duh. Accidents happen. Ah-hem.

I am wondering, why do we all have our panties in a wad about this oil spill? I've been watching the news coverage via CSPAN & CNN and listening to it on NPR. Today, on CSPAN, I watched this:

http://www.cspanarchives.org/program/ID/225677&start=0&end=2681

I can't direct you to exactly when in the interview, John Hofmeister, the ex-President of Shell Oil, said the things I'm going to refer to, but I just wanted to make sure you had the link to hear the interview for yourselves. When my husband came home from work, I was trying to explain to him how I agree with John Hofmeister, re: his comments on how the oil gush in the gulf is not much worse than the ways humans have already polluted the earth, & certainly not as debilitating as wars & natural disasters of our past & present. Not to say that this oil spill is not absolutely horrendous, but really, it & all the pictures of oiled animals are just a much more obvious example of how we are killing animals, nature & ourselves each day. My husband wanted to argue this point with me, but I wouldn't hear it. Later, he happened upon this article, on purpose or intentionally I don't know yet, & posted it on my Facebook wall. It's a long read, but eye-opening.

Water Pollution : Men's Health

We have GOT to stop using plastics!!!!!! It's not just a "granola" or "hippie" lifestyle, it needs to happen or we won't be around much longer!

And just in case you didn't know, plastics are petroleum, i.e., OIL based. We, the people, have created our own dependence on oil and now, when the oil companies are trying to give us what we want, and locally at that, now that President Obama is trying to help us get out of a bad situation, depending on foreign oil, now we all have our panties in a wad & are blaming all the powers that be. People, it's our fault. It's YOUR fault. It's MY fault. It's our Grandparent's fault. It's the fault of wanting more, wanting progress, wanting convenience, wanting it all right now, right here, exactly how we want it! We live in the United States of Burger King! We are an insatiable people, in general, and somewhere along the line we were told that not only could we have it all, but that we simply deserved it all. And so it is. And here we are. So, if we deserved it all, then we certainly shouldn't be blaming the ones that gave us what we asked for! What we could be doing is climbing on board with Al Gore, President Obama, etc., etc., and doing our gosh golly darnedest to learn how to live greener, & to practice it daily, hourly, so that we, over time, can truly have it all, having earned it clean & green, deserving it because we WORKED for it! Last but by no means least, I hope we live to see that day & I hope we have healthy children & grandchildren.

My baby step: Limiting the use of plastic in our home and lives. What's your first step?

Exhileration

2010-04-16T21:06:00.007-04:00

I am so happy these days! I am barely able to contain the joy I have found within myself!! I know I sound like a total cornflake, but lately things have just been incredible. For a while there I was sad, lots of changes are happening. Friendships are metamorphosing, familial relationships and geographical locations of my family of origin are in a state of limbo, my dreams are so crazy I don't even like to try to remember them long enough to tell my Jungian therapist about them, and worst/best of all, is that my children are growing more independent each day.

*Forgive me for a moment while I talk/process through my writing*....I don't normally do so well with changes, which I think is odd since I was first an Army Brat, and then a teenager migrating from Mom to Dad, back to Mom and then to several other places before going to college, and a couple more before settling down and marrying Edward. Hmmm. Maybe that is exactly why I don't like change. I usually find myself resisting change, holding on to things & people even after the thing or person is not so beneficial to my well being. I believe one of the many seen and yet unseen benefits of living through the loss of Serenity, is that I have developed better coping tools to deal with change. There is no way to beg a dead person to come back to you. At least not any way that you could possibly expect it to happen, LOL! There is no way, really, to take death as a personal offense against you. Maybe that could be part of someones grieving process, but really, no. I guess never having lived through such a permanent type of loss before, specifically one that had nothing to do with being abandoned or dumped, rejected or unrequited, has always been a handicap for me in the world of intimate relationships. Because of all that, and because I feel much more attuned to my intuitions, or as my therapist calls it "the deepest part of my soul," I think I am better able to accept changes.

So, for a while here I have been riding a small wave of sadness, on top of the deeper wave of grief, and a whole lot of confusion and frustration at all the changes occurring in my life, relationship-wise. My littles chose, of their own accord, to go to school; Serenity finished her time here; Tammy moved; Philip is really coming into his own, separating more each day from the tether that began as our umbilical cord, my first attachment to anything outside myself since my own gestation. (where do my funny thoughts come from to turn into these words, LOL??) Several friendships are going through their own evolutions; and of course, the decision that was the start of all the changes: moving to Charleston. So I fully accept the emotional roller coaster I have been riding, and forgive myself for any mood swings.
And now Spring has arrived and I have discovered a new joy: Kayaking! I don't ever remember a feeling like pushing water out of the way and moving so swiftly along over it. I am sure it must be close to flying. I LOVE the sun on my body, the water in reach of my feet, the layered colors of the trees blending into one another as we coast or drift by. I love my husband, and I enjoy working as a team to navigate through the calm or choppy waters. Sometimes it seems impossible to move against the current, though we must in order to reach the goal; Sometimes we just drift along, enjoying the view, the breeze, the relaxed feeling of just floating along; we don't have a map, and if we did it would always change according to the whims of the moon and the wind; We peek around corners and try out different routes through the estuaries and mazes of the winding, flowing river. We never know where we may end up, until we get there. I used to absolutely despise that feeling of uncertainty, of being in limbo. I don't mind so much anymore; the rivers and the ocean feel more like home to me than any place I've ever been. And the journey is always worth the unexpected things we come across along the way. I always come away having seen something magical, or shared a quiet, sacred moment just between the Universe and me. Just like life. I love my life. I love my family. I am so thankful. Thanks to all that has ever happened to me, here I am today, exactly me. I love me.

Serenity's Sweet Noises

2010-02-09T17:09:00.015-05:00

I have debated within myself and checked in with others and I have finally decided to write about what happened during the night Serenity left this world. In the past few posts, I have written things as though I were the only one in the room with her; while I feel as though I was alone, in actuality, her Mom was with us, dozing in the chair on the other side of Serenity's bed. I think it's safe to say, since she was sleeping, I pretty much was alone. The exact timeline and order in which things happened is pretty fuzzy, so forgive me if I don't have the details exactly as any of you may remember them; also, remember perspective is a strange thing. I was so inside my own head and heart, and so involved in making sure Serenity had someone, awake, to be with her when she passed, that I missed a lot of other things that were going on. I also am not re-reading whatever I've already posted previously, so forgive any repetition. I just need to get this out of me. Keith and Trinity are coming to visit tomorrow and I have been burying my grief and trying not to let it surface for so long, that I may bust when I see them if I don't write it all down.
Serenity and Dawn often communicated in sign language. At first, this was because they were teaching the babies to sign. Then, it was a way for them to talk over the noise of all the kids, or just to quietly let the other know they needed a refill or that one was leaving to go to the bathroom. That final night, after Serenity wasn't able to talk as well anymore, she used the sign for "water." Dawn immediately knew what she meant and got her water. For the rest of the night, after everyone else was gone, Suzanne and I were able to give her water as needed because of that sign. After Suzanne fell asleep, Serenity asked for water again. At this point, I was doing all the work because Serenity could barely suck or swallow. But she was SO thirsty, I had to try. The nurse had given us a sippy cup with an attached plastic straw, the kind you give toddlers. She wanted that sip of water so bad, but she couldn't do it that time. It ended up spilling on her shoulder and her eyes flew open and I could almost hear her saying something sarcastic about me finally spilling the water on her, after being the only one who didn't all night. :) I laughed out loud and apologized and dried her off. I was a nervous wreck, trying to make sure I was doing all that I could to keep her comfortable and taken care of and then spilling the water! A nurses assistant, Sylvia, finally came in the room to show me where a clean pillow was, since the pillow had suffered from the cold water too. I honestly can't tell you how I was able to hold it together as well as I did, knowing as I did, that she was going to pass sometime during the night. I helped Serenity drink water several times that night. A couple days later, the song #41 by DMB came on the radio while I was driving. One of the lyrics is "...i will bring water..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz9B3Eki0LI I was blaring the radio, singing along and suddenly, I was sobbing. I had to pull over. I was SO SO happy that I was able to bring her that water when she needed it, and so so grieving that she was gone and I wouldn't be able to bring her water ever again. Remembering it now, it's as if somehow, bringing the water to her was my offering in return for her gift of allowing me to stay with her until she left. I sat beside her bed, listening to her breathing, too anxious to fall asleep in case she needed anything. Throughout the night, or actually I should say morning, the requests for water slowed and finally I felt I could relax a bit. I had been told that people rarely will let go if anyone is in the room with them; as compelled as I was to stay with her, I felt I should make myself as undetectable as possible. I know that sounds silly, but I needed to stay and at the same time, I certainly didn't want to hinder whatever was coming. I propped her extra pillow up between her elbow and the bed rail, and slid down in my chair so she wouldn't feel like I was watching her. I put my feet up on her bed and drifted in and out. Suzanne had seemed to want the bathroom light on, but then it was shining directly on Serenity's face; I finally decided to turn it off, thinking Serenity might be a bit more comfy w/out the light shining in her eyes. I was so tired at that point, sometime after 3 in the morning, that I decided getting some sleep wouldn't be a bad idea. A while after I settled into my chair, listening for any change in her breathing, I heard soft sighing noises coming from Serenity; my first reflex reaction was to grab some water for her. Something held me back, almost as though someone were gently putting a hand on each of my shoulders. I overwhelmingly knew she didn't need water this time. I laid there, as still and quiet as I could be, my legs propped beside hers on the bed, the rest of me lying back in the chair. Suzanne was sound asleep. Serenity made a few more sweet sighing sounds, and then her breathing slowed and changed from the ragged, hard breaths she'd been taking all night, to softer, more relaxed breathing. There was a relaxed, comforting feeling now, and all the nervous anxiety I'd felt all night and morning began to fade. The sounds she had made were so similar to the happy baby noises that a nursling makes at her Mother's breast. I don't know exactly what time that was, just a bit after 4. That is when Serenity's soul left her body. She finally let go. Shortly after that, the nurse came in to check her vitals. I had been so protective of Serenity all that night, that when I asked the nurse why she needed blood, she misunderstood my intent. She promised me it wouldn't hurt Serenity. Well I already knew that, since Serenity wasn't in her body anymore. I realized she didn't get that Serenity was gone and so I just sat back and let it be. I'm going to let this be the end of this post. That is the sweet way I would like to remember Serenity's passing from this world.

Today is Tough (Jan. 28)

2010-01-28T19:10:00.007-05:00

Disclaimer: just to remind anyone reading, this blog is for my own benefit, my own release. I choose to publish it in case it may help friends or strangers in whatever they are going through, and to open discussion to anyone who chooses to speak about what I write about. There is nothing graphic in these pages, but for those with good imaginations, or anyone who works in the medical field, you may not want to read the last paragraph or so, as I very briefly discuss my personal reaction to the resuscitation efforts that were made on my friend.

Today just isn't getting any easier. On top of my very insistent grief pushing itself out of me, I also have a headache and an incredibly sore throat. My doctor upped my antidepressants, as a precaution, which I truly appreciate, and will adhere to, but I sure hate that taking chemicals is part of how I have to deal with hard times in my life. My almost 11 year old is not at all motivated to catch up on his math, even though we finally finished fractions and are moving onto geometry. My 8 and 5 year olds are insistent upon making as much noise as possible. And I can't figure out for the life of me how to get the dishes to take care of themselves. :) Laundry is going, with new detergent, because we've figured out Tyler is allergic to the detergent we'd been using...ALL is not good for us, causes major hives. On top of all this, something about the grieving is getting me very in touch with all of the anger that I have bottled up over time..and if you know me, you know that I don't seem to bottle too much up, but apparently, there's a lot in me that doesn't come out! I am still so mad at the nurse for insisting I leave the room when she brought the team in to resuscitate Serenity. I was really rude to that nurse, wouldn't let her hug me or comfort me after the fact, but mostly because if I hugged anyone, I knew I would fall apart! Plus, she kept going on and on about how she'd had cancer, had a double mastectomy, and didn't even really get sick; she was telling ME how guilty she felt working with dying patients on a cancer ward, never having had to go through anything more than some surgery and radiation. WHAT? Why would anyone do that? I was a distraught, barely held together bundle of hot nerves and she's looking for expiation from me?? One of my best friends in the whole world was in a room fighting to breathe and this nurse wants to go to confession with me? Nurse, you need to get a therapist and get off the cancer ward until you can deal with your stuff! Phew, I've been wanting to get that out! I actually went back to the hospital on the last day I was in Columbia, to apologize to that nurse for having been so angry with her; she wasn't there. I wish I hadn't had any issue with her, but I also just don't understand why she felt the need to confide these things in me. And to get right down to the heart of the matter, the real thing that I am so incredibly mad at myself for right now is actually letting Serenity go. I went in to be so strong, to be the one that could handle it, and I know it was needed, but now, after the fact, almost 2 weeks later, I want to just curl up and hide somewhere for being that person; why was I compelled to go there? Why was I compelled to reassure her that we'd all be OK with things, that we'd grieve, but in time, we would all be OK? I am NOT OK. And why, of all people, did I choose to be the one to call her husband and closest friends and family with the news that "she's gone"? Why? I don't know how I would have handled hearing someone elses voice tell me she'd gone; I was with her when her soul left her, before they ever came to resuscitate, before the dramatic hospital ending. I know she's at peace, I know she was truly happy to leave that beautiful, but cancer-ridden body. I KNOW that. The last thing that I've been so angry about is having been witness to the resuscitation efforts. I chose to be there, to listen to my intuition telling me not to leave her side; and I have no choice but to forgive myself for not listening when I was told to leave the room; I know now that no lay person could have been prepared to see those efforts in action. It is not like it is on t.v., which is the only experience I'd ever had with death and dying. I also know now that those truly were her wishes; she wanted to have every chance possible of kicking that cancer's ugly ass. She fought with every ounce she had in her, til the very last hour. :) I have learned and grown so much from having been through this experience, so many good things have come from it, but the very quickest thing I learned was that I truly need to practice listening and Doing what I am told by those that probably know better than me. 'Cause when they tell you to the leave the hospital room, believe you me, they are not just being polite. That's all for now.

Part 3?

2010-01-28T11:07:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to continue on with the story of Serenity's passing, but it seems my grieving is quite in the way of creating eloquent words for a not so eloquent situation. In the time just before and immediately following her death, I was somehow very grounded (with a little help my friends, hehe) and strong. I knew that I had been called by something stronger than anything before to be with her. From the first night (Wednesday the 13th) I drove up to Columbia, there was a twisting, churning in my stomach and a knot a bit higher up, that only calmed upon reaching Serenity's hospital room, and then staying there. Each time I felt overwhelmed by the need to cry aloud, leaving her side, the knot and the churning would return. My body has never before communicated so insistently and clearly with me, except during labor. I keep comparing, in my mind, and to those available to listen to me, this death story to a birth story. There really are so many similarities. The order of events is a bit jumbled in my memory, but here is what I can write of the rest of the story. As I have said to some of my friends, I felt as if somehow I was meant to be with her when she passed from this world into the next. I felt it needed to be me rather than anyone closer to her, and it needed to be me because somehow, I knew she needed to be let go and I knew I could let her go. On Wednesday night, Serenity and I spoke for hours. As I walked into her hospital room, she smilingly told me she'd heard I was having a rough time with her being in the hospital. I took my cue like a practiced star and explained to her all the reasons I was just perfectly fine with the situation and chided her for being concerned about any of the rest of us at this point in her life. I reminded her of how I had consciously chosen our friendship, knowing this would be how it would end. I talked to her about the look in a newborn's eyes and told her I had full faith that where those babies come from was where she was going; she whole heartedly agreed and then asked if, even though I was ready to let her go, what if she wasn't ready? I told her to hold on tight and if she made it through, then that'd be fantastic! Somewhere in there, her daughter was brought in to hug her goodnight. Trinity held her Mama so tightly and then began to cry. She knew, and even told me and Grandma Suzie later, that Serenity was leaving this world shortly. It was absolutely heart wrenching for Serenity to see Trinity so upset, so Keith quickly took her home. Soon after, Lesley also left. My knotted and twisted insides would not let me leave yet; Serenity spoke of the events in her daughter's life she would miss if she left. I agreed and gently reminded Serenity that most adult children have not gotten as much quality or quantity in the time department with their Mother's as Trinity has gotten with her. Nor had they had such a loving, available, present and wondrous Mother. I promised Serenity that Trinity would not remember this part of her life as a tragedy, but as a blessing, and that it would be the firm foundation that allows Trinity to grow into the caring, mature, loving, most awesome woman that she is already blossoming into. I cried with Serenity, damning the cancer and the unfairness of a world that would take a Mother from her daughter. We agreed on some adjectives for the situation that I won't record here. ;) Suffice it to say, we agreed it really SUCKS. And then we talked more about the wonderful community she had helped build for her daughter; a community of women and families that would continue to be there for Trinity & Keith for as long as they'd allow us to be. I had expected, that evening, to walk into the hospital room of a woman dying; instead, against everything that I'd previously intuited, in spite of my own better judgement, I left that hospital with renewed hope. I fought against that hope as hard as I could, remembering how I saw my role in being there. Yet, the hope wouldn't budge. It was there. Before I left the hospital that night, I watched as Serenity took herself to the bathroom, and then brushed her teeth, explaining to me how she couldn't stand the feel of her mouth if she didn't brush at night. I laughed with her and told her she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. She was glowing with the strength and peace that she'd always carried with her. So, at nearly 12:30 a.m., I left the hospital and Columbia and drove home in high spirits, crying and laughing and listening to Bill Cosby. I had hope again, and hope was all Serenity had ever needed before, would it be enough this time? I prayed so hard that I'd been wrong before in thinking we were finally at the end of the roller coaster ride. I cried and laughed and thought and prayed the whole way home, intently ignoring the twisting and knotting that had begun to grow again, and continued to grow the further I drove away from her. Was it denial? Was it just the strength I needed to carry me through what was to come? How could I have been so blind to what the odds should have been showing me? I called friends that I'd previously cried to and told them there was hope. I held my husband and told him I knew there was hope. I decided the nausea and the knot must be a virus or something. I certainly wouldn't tell anyone else about that, since a virus was the last thing in the world Serenity needed! Thursday passed in anxious anticipation while I waited, practically crawling inside the computer, to get a positive update from Keith, via facebook. I finally went to bed without the update. I woke up early on Friday and read Thursday night's update and a new one. The knot and the nausea returned and a new tightness formed in my chest. In the back of my mind, I remember thinking about false labor. False hope, false labor, roller coaster, I'm healthy, I'm sick, oh my gosh, I don't have the words to express how my emotions rocked and rolled and twisted and turned that morning. I received a phone call from a friend, who doesn't know any of the Columbia group, a little later Friday morning. She had read a copy of an update on Serenity. In the update, there was the tone of insistent hope, though the news was obviously the worst yet. That friend called me, and gently asked me if I knew there probably was no hope? She asked me if I knew that Serenity needed to be told it was ok to go. Could the Universe have spoken any more clearly than that? For a girl who needs to see things in black and white, no, it could not be any more clear than that. I needed to go. I began packing before I even knew what I was doing; I had no idea who would watch my kids, or what my husband's schedule was, how long I'd need to be gone, and I'd even been told Serenity didn't want anyone to see her. None of that mattered; I was going to be near, if not with my friend, that's all I knew, that's all I could focus on. I cleaned, I packed, and I prepared the kids for being w/out me for a bit. I told the older kids that our dear friend was dying and that I was going to be with her. We cried, we hugged, we went on with the day. More later.....off to therapy now. :)

Starting with Goodbye: My Perspective Part 2

2010-01-21T21:02:00.007-05:00

When I found out Serenity had cancer, I wasn't sure I would become friends with her. I hadn't ever befriended an elderly person, someone who was going to move, or someone terminally ill. I knew I'd be near her a lot due to playgroups and Mom's Night's, but I figured I'd just not get too close; no need to get close if it's just going to hurt in the end. I kind of held back, from almost everyone, the first 2 years we lived in Irmo because I knew we'd be moving to Charleston. Alas, her beautiful spirit won me over, though she wasn't even trying. I remember the moment I decided to be her friend. She hadn't done or said anything extraordinary. We were standing outside, perhaps at a park. Suddenly, I just knew I wasn't going to run from the opportunity to know her, no matter how it ended. I conciously decided to be her friend and allow that friendship to grow into whatever it may. Being me, I decided to tell her of my newly discovered decision. I explained to her my internal conflict, of being drawn to her friendliness, knowledge, calm, and inner-beauty, but being terrified of letting myself get close. Being Serenity, she gently laughed and promised me she didn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. That became her line to me whenever I would check in about how her treatments were going, or how she was feeling: "I don't plan on going anywhere, anytime soon." It was never meant as a promise, but even so those words weren't empty either. She really didn't plan to go anytime soon. I met her in 2004 and watched her leave this world on January 16, 2010. In those six years, I was priveleged to be a part of her life. I learned what she had to teach, I listened to what she had to say, even when she was so tired from chemotherapy that I had to strain to hear the words. I disagreed with her, I argued with her, I treated her as I would any other person, most of the time completely forgetting she was living with cancer. And I loved her. The first time I brought food for her family, after a particularly harrowing chemo treatment, I left her home shaking; it REALLY hit home how sick she was that night. I went out to Mom's Night and cried to my friends, friends who'd been with her since before her diagnosis, friends who knew already how sick she really was. They informed me that though she did look frightening that night, it was by far not the worst she'd been. And so the roller coaster began for me, just two years after it had begun for Serenity, her family, and the rest of the families in our group, and many outside too. I never counted how many times the "cancer came back" or how many times she "beat it!" I just made sure to be there for her however I could, bringing my kids to play with her daughter, Trinity, or just continuing to go about life as usual, which is what she always wanted us to do, even in her final hours. And I prayed. And I bargained with God, on behalf of Serenity and even more on behalf of Trinity. I begged for Him to teach us all whatever He needed to without putting Serenity and her family, or me through all this. And so, from the beginning of our friendship, I was preparing for our goodbye. I never gave up hope though, I don't think any of us did. Once, in the time I was honored to be a part of the group, we held a healing circle for her. We gathered at Jennifer's house around a fire outside. We each held a rock and handed it to her, while saying aloud our healing, hopeful intentions for her. I can still hear our tear-trembling voices as we each were moved to offer what we could of our own energy and our own prayers to this beautiful woman. Each one expressed herself differently, some crying, and some not. Each admiring Serenity's courage, her grace, her composure throughout the battle with cancer, even in her sickest moments (always direct effects of the chemo, never from the cancer), still wanting to offer something of herself to help others. I didn't offer her any of those things. Instead, I remember challenging her. She and I had talked about the nagging question of why she had cancer. Parts of her believed it was because of some painful things she lived through as a child; she thought if she could just process through some of that, it would help her heal. So I challenged her to find a way to do that. I promised I would help her in any way I could, but begged her to just push through the pain and deal with her demons. She smiled, that same graceful smile she offered everyone, and promised she would do her best, but said that she didn't think she was ready to deal with those things and didn't know if she ever would be. Not in that moment, but later, I remember being so angry, even to the point of blaming her for being sick. I never shared that with anyone, but I felt it. I just couldn't grasp how someone could believe they could get better if only they would work through some things, yet be unable or unwilling to work through it. I have forgiven myself for those feelings and thoughts, and I know if Serenity knew of them, she would forgive me to. It's part of who she is. Continued in the next post...

Starting with Goodbye: My Perspective Part 1

2010-01-21T16:17:00.007-05:00

I feel as though I have just given birth. I am physically and emotionally exhausted, yet I am filled with joy, light and peace; I am also experiencing immense grief. Six years ago, I met someone who was to become instrumental in bringing me closer to my truth, and inevitably, closer to God. I was filled with new life that was about to come into this world, had just moved to a new house, in a new town, where my husband had accepted a job transfer. I knew two people, both of whom lived fairly far from me and had busy lives with their children, etc. One of them, Jenny, recommended I join a local Mom's group that got together weekly for Mom's Night Out and Playgroup. Later, my midwife spoke of the same group, suggesting that I get to know them and reach out for support in adjusting to the new town and the new baby. It's an awfully good thing that I sometimes listen to suggestions from others. :) I believe it was my second time joining the group that I decided to voice my desires: I remembered with the birth of my second child that my Mom's group from our previous town had brought food for our family. It was such a comfort, and so helpful. This was what I asked of this new, unfamiliar group. I later learned that several of the Mom's were, shall we say, slightly annoyed with my assumption that I could just step right in and join them, never having had anything to do with them before then. In the moment though, I was not aware of such reactions; because in the moment, a beautiful lady, quiet and strong, leaning in, yet mostly observing the group, decided to comment. She said she would be happy to put together a list of days that food could be brought to my family and she made herself first on that list. She became, as she was for so many in the group, my ticket into the most supportive, strong, intelligent and active Circle of Women and Families that I had ever been a part of. There are not enough words, nor any of them quite fitting, to describe the community this group is for most of us in it. We are as a family, yet sometimes bound together even stronger than family. We have nursed one another's children, taken turns caring for the sick and injured among us, discussing things that are most sacred and sometimes most trite. :) We have stood outside restaurants for hours after closing, shivering in the cold or sweating in the heat, just to spend "one more minute" talking together before heading back to homes with babies, children, husbands and pets that needed us. More often than not, play dates at parks turned into family dinners out or back at someone's home. Holiday traditions began, from watching a Christmas Parade each year, making Gingerbread houses together, to gathering in large number to tie dye together. Sometimes there were more of us out at parks, events and dinners, sometimes less. Sometimes those that joined us had been with the group from it's inception, beginning their journey of Motherhood/Family as a part of this wondrous support group, and sometimes, like myself, they were guided to the group by their need for support in being new to the area, or becoming a parent again. Some branched away as life changes and moves were made, or the group dynamic changed; in any gathering of women, there is an ebb and flow, and this was just as a part of our group as in any other. The constant was that there was always someone who would be there to support whoever needed supporting. We have supported each other in birthing our babies, in cleaning our homes, in picking out jewelry, choosing a place to vacation, choosing how to best parent and teach our children. And now we have supported one of our own as she journeyed from this world into the next. Much as we gather together to give each other strength, love and a hand to hold while our children are in the womb, and later as we birth them, we gathered to give Serenity Dixon the strength to fight for her life, the love she needed to hold on, and the comfort and togetherness she wanted us to have for each other as she finally said goodbye to her closest friends, her daughter, her husband and her family. This is the story of what happened in my life during the final days of Serenity's life, and the following mourning and festivities. As always, I write for myself, yet hope that it helps whoever is reading in some way or another. Some details that I wish to include may not be appropriate for younger eyes, or for anyone who does not do well with hospital-style endings. I intend to be gentle, yet graphic, as I write for release as well as for remembrance of a most beautiful, inspiring, gentle, sweet, loving lady. I know Serenity wouldn't have me do this any other way, as she was most accepting of whatever anyone else needed, as long as she was able to comply. :) Continued in the next post....

2009-08-25T02:31:00.001-04:00

The clouds are like fat, laughing, genies dancing for an enthusiastic audience of starlight. Lucky i had to pee just now.

Virtual Public Charter School

2009-08-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I'll ever have time to blog again. This summer has flown by. We spent a lot of time at the beach and even more time hibernating indoors, avoiding the bugs and heat. I wasn't feeling very creative this summer and really just tagged along with whatever my husband planned for our family. I learned to fish. I can cut up raw, dead fish and bait my own hooks with them. I know you are shocked, but not as shocked as I am! The most shocking bit is that I enjoy it! Especially since it is something my husband really enjoys and so we end up sharing a hobby after all these years. Well, we've always had Dave Matthews Band as a hobby, but there's only so many concerts a year, ya know? We fish mostly in the surf on the local beaches, and the kids and I swim in between fishing. There just isn't anything that compares to being in the ocean water. I love the feel of it lapping over my body and the wind in my hair and the sound of the kids laughing. We haven't gone as much as I'd have liked to, but there's more time before it gets cold.

We started our first venture into virtual schooling this week. Ed has been asking me to try it since K-12 SC Virtual Charter School first contacted us about 3 years ago. I just did not want anyone else to be in charge of what curriculum we used or how we scheduled things or anything else. BUT, I certainly wasn't getting it done. We did school sporadically, flipping back and forth between unschooling and oh-my-gosh-we-have-to-catch-up-schooling. :) The little guys seemed to be doing really well with the unschooling. Tyler has taught himself to read and Evan is also beginning reading. They both can do simple addition and subtraction and can count to over 100. They're very creative and come up with new superhero characters all the time, role playing them too. They create their own new board games and improvise with pieces of traditional games we have in the craft closet. They are quite impressive. Philip and I were beginning to butt heads though and we really needed someone to be accountable to in order to make it work. It's been a week of serious adjustments in our family! We've gone from staying up late and sleeping in, to getting up by 7 to participate in live lessons with our teachers at 8:30. The first few days it literally took ALL day to get through all the required lessons. At least it took ME all that time. Each kid would wander away while I was with another kid, get involved in something else, or sit and bug me to get back with him. LOL. I have a much better plan this week! I have printed out every printable required, cut out every cut out required, given myself sticky notes to remind me of who has what when and required Philip to be more independent. Also, not every lesson of every unit is required to get the idea across. I spoke with Philip's teacher and she suggested I not assign anything that he already understands and same for the other children. It sounds an awful lot like "teaching to the test" to me, but it's what's going to work right now, with 3 kids and everything brand new to all of us. Ed was a major help the first two days, and totally did all of Tyler's lessons with him. He's continued to be awesome by keeping up with the dishes and cooking dinner when he's around. We've figured out there is a pattern to things and that the two big kids are doing parallel lessons, each on their own level. I think just knowing that, and having all the materials prepared will help me flow between them easier. Our school is called SC Connections Academy and is a public charter school. They are using Calvert Math, and Scott Forseman for LA, SS and Science. The boys really are thriving with it! Tyler counts up his assessment and test points and keeps a running list in his head. As of Friday, he had 800 points. Philip doesn't care that much, but simply enjoys the structure and is happy to know that he is learning what similar aged peers are learning. He is too hard on himself sometimes, too much like me and his Dad. He thinks he should be BETTER than anyone else, instead of just doing his best. What we don't know we are modeling, huh? Ay-ya-ya! Evan is simply enjoying his one on one time with me and he really loves his live lessons with the teacher each morning. There's so much more to catch up on, but I still have to clip coupons, go grocery shopping, and finish prepping for this week of school. Apologies to those whose blogs I haven't commented on recently, I have just been incredibly busy with life. :) Maybe I'll finally get out to the beach today too.

The Great Fettucini

2009-06-16T23:47:00.005-04:00

That's Evan on Mother's Day on Kiawah Island.
You know what? It's been a LONG time since I've written. I'm sure I must have so many readers waiting in suspense to see just what exactly my life and thoughts have been like recently! Hehehe. Well, lots of field trips and lots of beach days, and lots of Ed working. Today he was off and we all went to a local library to watch a guy juggle. Ed was really excited to take us, even though most of us very vocally let him know that we were not interested. Sorry husband, those kids are just SO unmotivated lately! Not to mention their bum of a Mom who would rather just sit around and escape into some good movies. I'm glad we went. The kids, surprise, ended up really enjoying the show. Philip's favorite joke from the Great Fettucini: What did zero say to eight? Nice Belt. He was cracking up. Silly. More another day....

Bottles to The Sea

2009-05-19T23:22:00.004-04:00

My husband has entered the blogosphere. www.bottlestothesea.blogspot.com. FYI, he likes comments as much as I do. :)

Funny

2009-05-16T15:24:00.002-04:00

I often go visit my husband at work. On the way to or from somewhere, I just want to see his face or get a hug. I never stay long and everyone is always nice and glad to see me walk through the store. Today, I decided at the last minute that I would pretend I needed him to come home. I didn't think anyone was going to take me seriously, as it is a Saturday and no Manager can leave on a Saturday w/out messing up the whole day. So, I walk up to Ed's co-Manager and explain that I need Ed to come home and help me with the laundry, dishes etc., and that I'm going to take him home now. The co-Manager knows I'm joking and he smiles. The lady next to him, a sales consultant, looks over to me and says, "Ok, we can work this out. How bout we hire someone and I'll pay half and you pay half." I wasn't really listening to her, not knowing she was talking to me. I totally thought she was talking about something else with the co-manager. Ed comes over, gives me a hug and she says to him "Ed please don't leave, are you really leaving?" That's when I realized she was talking to ME about hiring help to clean my house!!! Ha!! That poor woman turned so red, she was so embarrassed. I apologized and explained to her that I would never ask my husband to come home in the middle of a work day to help me CLEAN!! LOL!!! I don't even ask him to come home to go to the Emergency Room, give me some credit, hehe!! Then I realized it was too late to get money to hire someone to help clean my house and now I'm home, avoiding cleaning and writing in my blog and playing on Facebook. If ONLY I had known she thought I was serious....hehehe!

Wondrous Night

2009-05-13T00:58:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I just really want to write about the unexpected peaceful moment I just had. A little background first though. I recently bought 5 lbs of ground chuck on sale. I needed to get it cooked up, so being a night owl, midnight was the perfect time to start. I made a pound of sloppy joes and then put some burgers on the grill. As I stood outside waiting for the burgers to cook, I looked up at the sky. It was perfectly clear, and at the same time there was a scent of Jasmine drifting toward me in the wind. I could see Ursa Major and a few other constellations and then I noticed that I could clearly see a milky white streak across the sky. The temperature, the smell, the quiet and the view were just so calming. And how silly that it all happened because I needed to make sure I didn't waste the 5lbs of beef that I got on sale. Isn't life the most wonder-filled thing? Deep, satisfying sighs. Ahhhh.

Celebrations

2009-04-26T17:37:00.011-04:00

I woke up to this in the morning.
And got this in the evening.
Holding my breath for a picture by Tyler.
Smokin! Tyler got this shot.
Zinnias are coming up! I can see teeny tiny sprouts of basil and even teenier tinier sprouts of oregano. The jalapeno pepper plant looks like it might just make it. The tomatoes are still iffy. They looked ready to bloom until I planted them. LOL For Easter, Tyler chose, among a few other things, some gladiola bulbs. He planted them with his Papa on the side of the house. He waters them each day and is excited to see them bloom. I think they take quite a while, so let's hope he's patient. Easter went better than I thought it would. The best part for me has always been hiding the eggs and watching them find them. Well, even knowing there is no Easter bunny, the boys requested multiple egg hunts and we had a good time dying eggs and hiding real and plastic ones again and again. The following week we had a second 10th birthday celebration for Philip. We got to taste wonderful chocolate and chocolate ganache cake made by my Aunt Mary for the occasion. The kids were on a sugar high for a couple of days after the party, it was nuts! Philip made out quite well in the gift card area! He is very into reading a series called Warrior Cats by Erin Hunter. He bought a few of those titles at Books a Million (thanks Nee-Nee and Papa!). Then it was off to Target where he showed off his negotiation skills quite well. He ended up trading his $20.00 Walmart gift card to me for the equivalent in cash. He was able to buy a computer game called Spore, which he's been wanting for quite some time now. Thanks Church family and Aunt Mary and Uncle Bill! And how wonderful it was to have Nathan come down for the weekend! And to top it off, Ed and I finally decided to go ahead and buy each of the boys a Nintendo DS and a game cartridge. We have a friend who works for Nintendo, so we were able to get the systems and games at a much lower price than the general public can, or else, believe you me, we wouldn't ever had purchased one, never mind three! A friend is driving the game systems in for us tomorrow, since she has some business in town anyway. The boys are CRAZY excited. The week after Philip's party was my birthday. Ed and the guys made sure I had a really nice day. Plus, being on Facebook, I got a LOT of Happy Birthday wishes. Nothing like opening your inbox to 15 or so notifications from friends wishing you a happy birthday! The boys painted the letters for HAPPY BIRTHDAY on squares of brown paper bags and Ed hung it across the pass through before he left for work that morning. They made a card for me too and Ed supervised while Evan baked a cake. Thanks to my yogic breathing exercises, I actually blew out all my candles! Ed & Philip also got some Godiva Dark Chocolate Pearls, (YUM!!) a book and a c.d. for me. All in all, I was quite impressed by Ed and the boys! Though it may make me look super simple to please, I think this was my best birthday ever! I got to go out with a good friend the night before my birthday too. I never knew exactly how good a good beer and juicy burger could be together on a night when you really need a break! Mmmmm! The past couple days the little guys have been enjoying the sprinkler and too much sun while I've enjoyed lazing around in front of the t.v. I've been cutting coupons and doing school with Philip too. He's got a much better handle on fractions than I ever did, that's for sure! I think he is capable of thinking much more abstract than I am. He doesn't need to "show his work" or even put it on paper, he can just figure it in his head. Amazing to me, who to this day, still needs to write out every zero in any math problem before I believe I have the right answer. Speaking of math, I got GREAT deals today at Wal-Mart. They had some things on sale for a $1.00 and I had coupons for them, so I ended up with: a tube of Crest toothpaste for .25, a stick of lady speed stick for .25, and a couple of bars of Irish Spring soap for .50. I've got my list ready for Harris Teeter's triple coupon week too, thanks to Aunt Mary! I'm having fun with this coupon stuff now that I'm not taking it too seriously. That always seems to be the trick. Let go of insisting that you need a nap and the baby will finally fall asleep so that you can take one. ;)

Spring Time

2009-04-17T14:53:00.002-04:00

I planted some things and I can see the green coming up! I have basil, oregano, zinnias, jalapeno pepper and tomatoes! Yay! Philip & Tyler have been working in the neighborhood raking leaves/mulch and trimming weeds for people. We got a push mower and I LOVE it! I can mow the grass now w/out vibrating from the handle for hours afterward, LOL! It has been incredibly bright and beautiful here in Charleston. I remember when we were making plans to move here how afraid I was and how I resented the whole idea. We were at a local park with friends last week and I got really caught up in the moment: the view of the harbor and freighters going by; the nature and architecture; the history. I am SO happy we made the move and that I chose to let go of the resentment and can fully enjoy my life here now! Life is beautiful! And Zoloft works well, can you tell? Hehe! I remember one particular friend quoting this to me: Bloom where you're planted." I have finally figured out how to do that here. Along with my small garden! I've been spending the last couple of days cleaning and tidying up our home for Philip's 2nd 10th birthday party. ;) We drove to Columbia a couple weeks ago to celebrate the day ON his birthday. We have his Grandparents and Great Aunt & Uncle and his very first friend (Nathan) coming over for this party, along with several of our new lowcountry friends. Tyler seems to be a bit jealous, or has some other issue going on. He is constantly doing things to get attention, and not in a positive manner. Evan seems to feed off of Tyler, so I'm doing my best to keep them distracted. I set up the bean bag toss we made for Christmas in the backyard, and I gave Tyler the push mower and promised to pay him for doing the front lawn. That worked. For all of 10 minutes. Next thing I knew, they were all playing in a pile of fresh cut logs from a large tree that was cut down across the street! I was a bit "mommy-ish" for a second, and then I leg go of it. What little kid doesn't want to go climbing in a pile of logs?? I've been spending time playing games with them and reading extra books to Tyler. It's a little trying on my patience, having to spend the extra time while I really need to get some cleaning done. But one thing I've learned over the years is that old saying is true: "Kids won't remember how dirty or clean your house is. They'll only remember how much fun they had." Which is precisely why I have so much cleaning to do before the party, ha! With all this going on, I have really been feeling the need for a break and some Mommy time. I am getting just that this evening, as a friend of mine is gathering some of her friends together for a Ladies Night Out! Ed just happens to be getting home in time (honey, if you don't, you will suffer dire consequences!) ;) and so I will get to go out! Woohoo! Happy Spring Time All!

Is the Magic Over?

2009-04-11T11:54:00.007-04:00

A sarcastic, yet playful, thank you from me to whomever is responsible for ending my fun as the easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc., etc. ;) I didn't realize it would be over before my youngest could finish being awe-inspired by these funny little tales we've passed down from generation to generation. I am so naive that I thought part of the joy of homeschooling was that they could believe in the little things, like magic, for a bit longer than most kids. I didn't realize that being homeschooled would mean they'd be too smart for such things by the age of 4-1/2, LOL! I was having a bit of anxiety today about how in the world to get my easter stuff ready for my kids. Husband's working, I'm a procrastinator, you know the drill. Philip has known for some time that it's a fun game we play, santa and the easter bunny, all that. But i thought for sure the little's still believed. So, out of earshot of the littles, I say to Philip, just to make sure, "are you excited about the easter bunny?" and he says "whatever mom. I think the easter bunny is you." I say, "good, cause I need your help getting stuff together for the little kids!" hehe. That was the fun part. Then, Philip asks the little kids if they are excited about easter. BOTH of them say, "yeah, but I know it's mom. So and so's mom is their easter bunny and so is so and so's mom." Why did you have to raise such smart children, huh? And why do mine have to be so smart also? So, any suggestions on how to have fun with such a fun day now that they know it's me?? With Philip, I have just continued to pretend and playfully explained that if he doesn't believe in magic, then magic can't happen. I think I'll do that with the littles also. Keep the game going, knowing they no longer believe. Maybe I'll start getting some credit around here for good things showing up in the middle of the night. LOL!! Does anyone out there still have kids that believe in the easter bunny or santa, etc?

A Decade of Unconditional Love

2009-04-05T11:25:00.008-04:00

Just a moment ago I kicked my soon to be 10 year old off the computer so I could blog all about him. As he was headed downstairs we did a palm match. We have done this for years. We match our palms together, base of the wrist touching. He loves to joke about how someday soon his will be bigger than mine. That day is today. The tips of his little boy fingers reach just above my Mama fingers. Making me all the more emotional about Tuesday. Tuesday marks my 10-year parenting anniversary. It seems like yesterday that I was left alone with him for the very first time. Ed left us in the car as we were leaving the hospital. He had to get prescriptions filled for me for dealing with the post-labor pains. Lots of things have changed in 10 years. :) I sat in the backseat with my newborn baby boy and I felt so alone and scared and lost. Though he wasn't crying, I began to sing to him in order to soothe my self. I didn't and still don't know very many lullabies, so I made up a song. I sang "Philip, my boy, filling me up with so much Joy." Over the years I have changed the name to sing it for my other children, but it will never mean the same thing as it does for my first born. Philip is the one that I journeyed into Motherhood with. He made me a Mama. And we have come so far together in the last 10 years. In his first weeks, the hospital sent a home-visit nurse out to check on us. If you know me, then you know if that were done today, I would be in quite a tizzy. WHAT? Sending someone to check up on me?? Hehe. Back in the day, I wouldn't have made it without that home visit nurse. I was absolutely petrified of being alone with my new baby. When Ed had to go back to work, I begged him not to! I don't remember how old Philly was, but when the nurse came to see us, we had not been outside yet. She asked me why. I explained to her that my newborn baby hadn't had any vaccinations yet. He couldn't possibly go outside with all those germs and viruses w/out being vaccinated! That poor woman. She was so patient and good to me. She very gently explained to me that "he is in this world now honey. there's nothing you can do to stop that." That sweet home visit nurse also said many other things that helped pump up the new me, the Mama me. Though I didn't believe her at the time, she told me that babies are very resilient and that there wasn't much I could do to damage him. And thus began my first-born's love of nature. We went on walks everyday from then on! It's how he went to sleep for naps. As he got older, he would reach up from his reclined stroller seat for the leaves on trees as we passed under them. As my mother-in-law says, I am very accommodating to my children. So, when baby Philip would reach for the leaves, I would pick him up out of the stroller and help him grab them. I remember how seriously I took my new position as The Mom. I was so anxious. When Philip was 5 months old, I laughed out loud at something funny Ed said. We were so shocked to hear my laughter, we froze for a moment. In that moment, we realized that I hadn't laughed out loud the whole 5 months of Philip's small life! (Except for the night we watched "Bill Cosby: Himself." LOL.) That's also the day I started to believe that I wasn't going to accidentally kill my child. If I didn't answer his cries IMMEDIATELY, he really wasn't going to die. If I thought he needed to nurse, when what he really needed was a clean diaper, he wasn't going to hate me. If I wasn't perfect, it was OK. Now that my child is days from being 10 years old, he has the ability, and uses it well, to remind me of those facts. He IS resilient. It IS OK to make parenting mistakes. It's a journey. Every one of us makes a wrong turn at one point or another. The lessons lie in allowing ourselves to be shown the way back to the path we are meant to be on. And allowing ourselves to forgive and be forgiven. As most of my readers know, I have 3 boys now. The biggest thing I have learned as a Mother is to let my children be my navigators. I still fight it when they tell me which direction to turn, just as I fight my new navigation system; or anyone else giving me driving directions. But I've never been this way before, and isn't it better to follow some navigation when you don't know which way to go? I think so. Thank you my first son, thank you for taking this journey with me and for allowing me to guide you as you try to find your way in the world. Thanks for having the courage to remind me I need to make a u-turn sometimes. Thank you for your sense of humor and your caring ways; thank you for your laughter and your hard work and play. Thank you for being You. No matter what tomorrow holds for you, always know that Mom is here to support you, in whatever way you need. Be yourself no matter what, and live your life whatever way is right for you. I love you big guy! Love, *Mom*

2009-03-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a strange day.

1/2

2009-03-28T19:50:00.003-04:00

I am blogging from my phone . ;) Watching a movie w/ my husband. Philip is spending the night w / a friend & the

2009-03-28T19:50:00.001-04:00

(2/2) little kids are playing. Life is good!

2009-03-27T00:15:00.001-04:00

Sending this from my phone to see if it works

New Phone and Cute Kids

2009-03-26T23:19:00.002-04:00

I went looking for a new plan for our phones today and found out I was "eligible" to get an upgrade on my cell phone! This is a very good thing, since my 1 key wasn't working anymore, and my 4 key was on the way out. I got a new Samsung HighNote for only twenty bucks (2 year contract, yaddi yaddi ya, Sprint has never let me down!). I LOVE it. I haven't even tried out the music or tv yet, but I have been able to post on FaceBook with it. It's a little slower connection than I'm used to, but it's NEW and it was a great deal and Ed finally has a Charleston area code and a personal phone line too. I feel guilty for having something so nice when we're supposed to be in the midst of a recession, but we did cancel cable t.v. and I am using mega coupons. I have always wanted to volunteer, and did often before I had kids. I guess I will get back into something so I don't have to feel bad for what I have. And now for something cute and gushy about my youngest child. The other morning we were snuggling together before climbing out of bed to start the day. I had gone out to a MNO (mom's night out) the previous night, so I didn't know what he'd been up to. Me: What'd you do last night? Evan: You mean the one behind this day? :) Later, Evan: My favorite letter is H and my favorite shape is a triangle. There are SO many cute things I never wrote down about my kids, so I trying to do it now whenever I remember. Last night I scrolled through Facebook and realized I've been posting there since June of 2007. Not many cute things there about my kids. And they ARE very cute and say and do things on a daily basis that I really get a kick out of. Maybe I could do a 365 cute things my kids say blog? :)

Coupons & Cute Stuff

2009-03-21T16:31:00.004-04:00

I caught a moment or two of Dr. Phil a few weeks ago. A woman was on talking about how to save money with coupons. I've met a few people locally who are majorly into coupons, with binders, lists of stores, etc. That is how the woman on Dr. Phil was. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical. I always had the impression that you really wouldn't save with coupons, because you'd have to buy the major brands, which would end up more expensive in the long run. Well, I have been proven wrong by Ashley at Frugal Coupon Living. I have been following her blog, making note of the ways to save the most money; clipping and printing coupons; and shopping. I think because I was so excited to be saving money, I actually bought more groceries than I usually do, so that when I look at our money program, the graph shows that I've spent the same in groceries this month as I did last month. The difference is, our cabinets are full, our fridge is full, and we are eating delicious foods, at low prices. I also got two 500 pg reams of Hammermill paper from Staples for $2.00, using a rebate form. Some other good deals too. I didn't realize how much I could save, and on things I actually need and use! Philip & Tyler have been helping me cut my printable and newspaper coupons & have quickly caught on that they can benefit from this whole deal too! We've gotten about 6 boxes of Tony's Frosted Flakes in the last few weeks. I think I spent about $6.00 total on them too! There are healthful food coupons and even organic ones too. You'll have to check out my link above, or click on the Frugal Coupon Living box on the right of this post. In other areas, our lives are progressing well! I've read in a blog or two that some people think it's annoying to post gushy commentaries about kids in a blog. Sorry to those that think that, but I have to gush. (Besides, I'm finally saying positive things, everyone should be joyous that I am gushy!) Hehe! Lately, perhaps because of the pharmaceutically enhanced life I am leading, or perhaps because it's Springtime in Charleston, I have just been tickled by my children and their intelligence and charm! A few weeks ago we were visiting with friends at a park. A Mama had her 9 month old with her. The baby had very baby-fine white/blond hair. Philip was looking at him and he just couldn't contain his comment: "He looks like he came straight from the sunshine!" It was such a SWEET moment! Another Philip moment just makes me fully aware of how grown-up he is becoming. We were standing in our driveway and I noticed how tall he is now. I mentioned to him, as I often do, that I never gave him permission to keep growing up and that he needed to stop. He held back his usual comment, of "this is what's supposed to happen Mom," and instead listened to me tell him how proud I am of who he is and all he's made of. Promptly, tears welled up in my eyes, Ed came out the door asking Philip if he was ready to go fishing, and Philip says "Yeah, Mom is getting overwhelmed, we need to get going!" Hehe! The little guys are doing well also. We got a hand-me-down swing set that they've been enjoying for about a week now . I have always wanted a swing set for them and am very grateful that we finally have one. I don't know what happened to flip the switch around here, but it suddenly seems that we have everything we need here in Charleston. I finally joined the one homeschooling support group in this town that has kids Philip's age! I had been told about it since I moved here and for some reason, didn't join. I cannot explain that to anyone, least of all myself, but it's OK. We're members now and there is a weekly park day and my family gets along with everyone that was there last week. There's also a Mom's Night Out Planned for this coming Tuesday, with the same group. Ed just happens to be off, thank goodness! And, I'm back in touch with my Dad's sister and her husband, who live just about 20-30 minutes down the road from us. When I posted on Facebook that I wished I had an inexpensive babysitter, she called me right away and offered to help out! We are meeting for dinner with them next week. Isn't it wonderful? Maybe the boys and Ed & I needed some time as a family, time to enjoy each other and time to find the balance in the loss of proximity to our long-time friends and in settling in to a new and different way of life. I know things happen for a reason and that it's all so that we grow and learn. I can say that's definitely happened in the time since we've moved here. I don't know why it took this long for me to let things start flowing smoothly; I'm just glad they finally are smooth and that Spring has sprung and we're all happy and healthy! And that I can have Lowcountry friends and still keep all my other friends! Somehow I couldn't reconcile that before. I think I love Zoloft. ;)

I'm Much Better Now

2009-03-05T21:10:00.004-05:00

The Universe does have it's way of letting us know what we need. And making sure we get it. I obviously have some issues involving Jesus. LOL. I think if you get right down to it, most people raised within a church have SOME sort of issues with religion, no? Most people I've met along my path do. I always look back at recent events and am able to decipher, as much as any human can, the why behind the way things happened. I believe that Pastor Ed at Unity Church had a whole Sunday Service devoted to How Jesus Might Have Eaten for many reasons; for most people there, it was a way to learn to take care of yourself so that you'd be better able to meditate, i.e. commune with God. For me, I needed to learn that I wasn't going to find healing over night, or simply by finding a community that I could fit into. I went into that service fully expecting it to be THE answer to everything going wrong in my life. And there was Jesus. Now I know some of you very loving friends will say but Jesus is THE answer! And for you, He is! For me, he's not. God definitely is, but on my spiritual path the two are not one and the same. I came out of Unity stunned and full of unanswered questions and more than a little upset. I had been told that Unity was an all-accepting place. They have symbols on the walls of Buddhism, Taoism, etc. I was told they don't preach about Jesus. And then they did "preach" about Jesus! And when you're on the edge of a very rocky cliff and something catches you THAT much by surprise, you're going to slip and fall!!! That's what happened to me. That's what led me to finally realize and admit that I do indeed need to achieve better living through chemistry. If the topic had not been on Jesus, I may not have been caught off guard enough to finally realize what was happing. Oh and speaking of chemistry, I've switched from Lexapro to Zoloft. I don't know why, but this time around my body did NOT like Lexapro at all! So, I've got my taste buds and a few other missing-in-action human functions back again and I'm doing much better. On the path to healing. In the past few weeks I've realized that perhaps I need to get over my aversion to Jesus. It's not that I think I need to do a 180 or anything; I just think I could have a much nicer experience in life if I didn't allow all the baggage that has attached itself to the word "Jesus" or "Christian" to continue to weigh me down. I've gone back to Unity with all 3 of my boys and we all had a nice morning there. They offer free Yoga most Sunday afternoons, and a Potluck lunch once a month after service too. There are people there that we already know and new friends that Philip has made. A very nice lady, with kids Philip's age, passed her number to me last time we went. So, we're going to try to go every now and then and see what happens. And I'm going to be more open to learning about Spirituality no matter who the focus happens to be on at that moment.
I'm also working on setting goals for myself and working to attain them by creating a daily schedule. I have added myself as a student to my Homeschool Tracker and I check off each task and grade myself 100 for completing it! It is a bit overwhelming and hard to get used to keeping up with assigned tasks (no wonder my kids don't enjoy it, LOL!), but I am enjoying figuring out what goals are attainable and which ones need to be more long term or at least spread out over a week or more instead of done in a day. I have always had trouble imagining myself on a schedule or sticking with a routine. And to be honest, I haven't quite managed to stick to my daily plans; I've switched days on myself, gotten ahead or behind. But I feel like this might be the answer to what I'm starting to see as having been a very chaotic household. The kids are following morning and evening routines again; they have a bedtime; we don't always follow it, but it's there and it's good to have it. I've been getting up earlier than ever before! I think the Lexapro made me incredibly tired. Or else Zoloft is making me incredibly energetic. I don't know which is true, but I needed naps and slept a LOT the whole 6 years I was on Lexapro. Now I'm waking up before 9 most days and going to bed around 11. No naps, still have energy. I'm taking vitamins and fish oil. Life is getting better. I am getting better. Oh! And I've decided my brain isn't broken. Where'd that come from? Well it just sounds so dramatic to say your brain is broken, you know? And I talked to a psychiatrist who explained to me, in a better way than I've read or seen before, exactly what an SSRI drug does. Apparently, my brain works just fine. It's just that I have a lot of stressors (hmm, who'd a thunk it?) and my brain reacted accordingly. Some friends and I have decided that evolutionarily speaking, it is in fact quite necessary for the brain to re-uptake serotonin in times of stress; I mean, would you really want to feel like all is well in the world if a cave lion was attacking your clan?? Of course not! Now I just need to catch up to the fact that not every little thing I worry and stress about is the equivalent of a lion stealing my children from me! My goal is Balance. My mantra is Balance. My thoughts are positive. My motto is What Anyone Else Thinks of Me is None of My Business. I meditate. I play. I breathe. I live and love. And Spring is coming! And hopefully, with the help of a little SSRI, I will continue to heal and to grow and to not worry so damn much! Yay me! Thanks for reading and for all your comments and support in this blog and in real life.

That Place

2009-02-06T10:55:00.002-05:00

was all full of Jesus. I mean it's great and all that they accept people of all faiths and paths, but to have the main subject be what Jesus might have eaten, that is about Jesus. And then they say the Lord's prayers at the end. It was a very accepting place, it did have a good energy, but putting all my hope in that one basket was a mistake.

And now I'm back on Lexapro.

Church is always the last thing I reach out for, in final hope that I will be given whatever it is that I need to fix my broken brain. My brain doesn't work right. I finally know that. I tried all things natural for 5 months and here I am. I have been mean to my friends and family, living with anger and upset for at least 3 of the last 5 months. My brain just doesn't work right. It is like a diabetic person trying to live w/out insulin, when that is just silly. If it's broke, do what it takes to fix it. I sure am sad to say good bye again to my taste buds, and I still don't know the long term possible side effects of this drug. But I know I am better off on it and healthy, then off it and completely nuts.

Finding My Church or Follow Up to Prelude to Finding God

2009-01-29T12:03:00.005-05:00

The previous post was just to catch you up on where I am. This one tells the story of how I was actually introduced to the Church I'll be attending for the first time this coming Sunday. Here's a link to the Church: Unity Church of Charleston.
So, I was having a rough time. I decided I would take a friend up on her offer to attend a Tuesday night meditation class. And then I couldn't. My husband wasn't going to be home on time. And after all of the suggestions to go back to "my lexapro," I finally decided that must be the only thing I could do. Finally the block was opened. The tears began to fall. The sobs came. I had failed, for a second time, to take care of myself in a way that would be healthy enough to avoid drugs. Or perhaps, my brain just really doesn't work and I need the balance that only a chemical drug can offer. Like the comparison everyone always makes, if you were a diabetic would you avoid insulin? Well, YES, actually, I would. I would diet and exercise and do whatever else I could before actually taking the drugs. Then if I saw I needed them, I would take them. My already formed plan came immediately. I was calling my doctor the next day, asking for the prescription that he told me would be there if I ever needed it again. I tried to make it to my room before the tears got really obvious, but my youngest son caught me and squeezed me in a very comforting hug. Then he looked up at me, smiled and went back to playing. I made it to my closet, closed the door, on the phone with my husband, and fell into a full laundry basket, curled up like a baby, and let it go. He asked what was wrong and I told him this was it. I needed the medicine. I explained to him, through ragged sobs, how I thought that if I could only have found the way to work through my issues, I wouldn't really need the antidepressants, but since I couldn't get to wherever or whatever it was that could help me work it out, lexapro was the only thing left. Then my husband said one of the best things he's ever said to me. He said "I agree with you. I think you only need to work out your stuff. You don't need that medicine, and you hate the idea of taking it, didn't you get my text message?" What text message? The one that said he was on his way home and I could go to meditation class. No, I didn't get that. But, now that I heard, the tears stopped, of their own accord, just as quickly as they had come. I literally felt as though there was something pulling me from my heart, pulling me up to a standing position. I did not stop crying, as much as the crying just stopped all by itself. My mind was clear. I thanked my husband, hung up and promptly got myself together enough to not look quite as crazy as I was feeling, and prepared to make it out to that meditation class. I had to call my friend, busily caring for her pneumonia-ridden husband, several times before I finally understood her very clear and concise directions. She obviously couldn't come, so I was going alone. My brain was racing a million miles a minute. For some reason, THIS meditation class, I just knew, was THE thing that would clear my path and help me start getting better. Before I knew it, my friend was saying "and then you'll see the church on the right." The church? The what? Ok, whatever, I'm already half-way there, might as well keep going. I got there. I was 20 minutes late. I didn't have the $10.00 "donation" for the class. And I had to pee. I walked into the darkened church. Immediately, people began making room for me to sit in a circle of folding metal chairs with them. Before I sat down, I heard my name said. Someone said "hi, it's james' mom!" I know. (i didn't know, it was just what popped into my head to say.) Then, laughingly I explained that I was sorry to have interrupted only to interrupt again, but I needed the bathroom! I was led to the hallway where I would find the bathroom. Sage was burning somewhere, I could smell it. Immediately, this place felt familiar. On my way back to where I thought I should be, I saw an open doorway with one person sitting on the floor. Sage was burning in a shell beside her, a large candle lit in front of her. A sign outside the door read, Meditation Class. Hmmmm. So, this was actually where I was to be tonight. I sent a message through some latecomers back to the other group, letting them know I'd found my class. I went in, prepared for a class on yogic breathing, which goodness knows I need! I got SO much more. And wasn't More what I had been looking for? I introduced myself and was led by the teacher through a few minutes of breath practice, via a c.d. she had playing. After a short time, she abruptly turned off the c.d., explaining that she felt I needed to talk. Well, of course I did. I always need to talk! LOL. But wasn't this a meditation class? Well, there was obviously a reason it was just the two of us there that night. So, we talked. She asked a few leading questions, at which time, she got a very long winded (what, tracee, longwinded? no!) explanation of my experience with God and churches and how I just couldn't be a part of any church, though I whole-heartedly believe in God. I left out the part about how I had clung to a church the last time I was so depressed, and how it did absolutely nothing to help me, except add to my guilt and shame. Well, it ends up that this particular building that I was in that night, housed a Church whose philosophy matches mine exactly. They call themselves Christian, as they are a God-following Church. But, they believe in Spirit Guides, and reincarnation, and in all of the other things I have learned about in the last few years through therapy and books. They believe in manifesting your life through positive thoughts. They believe in and even say they could call themselves a Metaphysical Church. Can you hear my deep breathing sighs now? Ahhhhhh. AND, to top it all off, the meditation teacher is also a holistic practitioner and has offered to help me on my path to continuous healing. I have been learning that part of why I am on this earth this time around is to learn to follow my instincts. Well, I just have to say, good job me!! I did it this time. And my non-Christian-God-loving-healing-self will be at that Church, with it's nursery and it's after-church Yoga class this Sunday. And at that Church again, every Tuesday night that I can make it, for meditation class. And I just have to say thank you to everyone who loves me for taking care of me through this anxious time and for being bold enough to say what needed to be said so that I would find a way to take care of myself. I sure do get tired of doing the work, but just like with my kitchen, it will be so beautiful and sparkly when I'm done!! Oh yeah. The other class I walked into originally? A healing Reiki class, offered also by the Church. Does it get any better!? To Susan: Thank you for inviting me to your church and to your meditation class.

Prelude to Finding God

2009-01-28T10:28:00.008-05:00

I have been blocked for a little bit. Writer's block, speaker's block, friendship block. Thank God I wasn't constipated on top of everything. (well, c'mon..I was all blocked up!) I couldn't even cry. Except for the joyous tears that I couldn't stop on January 20, 2009. :) I have been more defensive than I have been for years. I have been reacting to every situation as if it rated a 10, when actually MAYBE the highest level something would reach is a 5. I have been sad and lonely and on the brink of depression again. Almost everyone important to me, those that I have shared my on the edge mood with, have suggested, implied, or blatantly told me it might be time to start ingesting pharmaceutical antidepressants again. I blocked that out too. I have been anxious and very aware of every feeling and of how it really has seemed like I may need to take something more than my natural supplements. I have been having an internal struggle with this, as much as it has been an outer struggle with those who dare tell me the truth. The number one sign for me of being on the precipice of the cliff of depression is the attitude mask that I adorn myself with. The one that reads: I CAN FIX THIS. I can get through it, I can do it and anything else that needs to be done all by myself. I will cook healthier foods, I will be nicer to the kids, (not that I'm not already incredibly "accommodating" to their each and every need, LOL!) I will make sure everything is just perfect. And of course that's impossible, what with the internal struggling and the single minded and wrong idea that I AM Alone or even that I must simply Do Everything By Myself. For one thing, I'm not alone. I have my wonderful and loving friends. I have friends in all corners of the United States and in other Countries. I have friends that whoop and jump for joy and enfold me in hugs like you wouldn't believe when I ring their doorbell unexpectedly when they believe I am at least 2 hours away and have no intention of visiting. :) I have friends across the street and next door. I have friends all over the town I live in. Friends that will babysit at the drop of a hat, friends that will meet me for a night out. And friends that really wish they could meet me for a night out. Friends that will listen to me vent and complain, even if they could be with some happy positive person that isn't venting and complaining. But for some reason, one I just couldn't explain to myself or anyone else, the block I've had up has been blocking those people out of my life. Of course I have my family, though some of them I have been blocking from my heart also. And the most patient and loving husband any woman in the world could have. If you have kept up with this blog, or perhaps if you have just spent a small amount of time with me, you know I have been struggling to find my footing in this new town. I have been trying to find some routine here that involves friends for myself and my children meeting on a regular basis. I have been looking for a community here. I already have found friendship. I have found networking. I have even found a theatre company that is graciously letting this out of practice, untrained actress call herself a "part" of their group. Perhaps it seems as though I haven't been as appreciative of all those people as I actually am. It's just that I was looking for something more. I am finding it hard to put this into words, so I'll just make it simple. I was looking for a Church. A fellowship of believers committed to spiritual growth and mutual encouragement. Of course, I didn't KNOW I was looking for a church!! LOL. I was just looking. Looking and feeling as if I wasn't finding, even though new friendships were forming. As I looked, I continued to feel empty. I kept wanting to gather groups of people around me, and I kept trying to make it into a weekly thing. This is what I had known in two other towns, this is what helped me become the parent I am, this is what I thought I needed. A playgroup of like-minded Mama's that meet every single week. It wasn't working. People in this town already have their groups formed and are too busy and already too filled up to make room for another group. Knowing that doesn't help the very distinct feeling one has of perhaps having cooties or some other contagion that nobody wants to be around, LOL! It's not that I haven't been included or invited and happily welcomed to playdates, birthday parties, and other events. It's just that somehow, being so new, or being so raw from just having left a very tight-knit group, I just wasn't feeling like I had found MY place. Perhaps it's because somewhere inside I knew was looking for MORE than friends. I was looking for God. And I think many people knew that before I did. I have had several books recommended to me, all having to do with finding God. It has been mentioned by some that I join a meditation group. It has been mentioned by others that I just go to Church, no matter what my beliefs are, just go to ANY church and by that means, I will find what I thought I had been looking for. I have been invited to attend a church recently. I had other plans and other things to do and just didn't believe that I should actually go to church. I mean, isn't that the place I learned to feel guilty and shameful for everything I'd ever done in my life that wasn't perfect? Recently, the same friend that had invited me to church, invited me to a meditation group. That happens to meet at her church. The key to getting me there, little could my friend know, was not telling me that the meditation took place in the church. Hehe! Can you tell I have a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to churches? OK, so the next part of my blog post is the story of how I found MY place, found My path, found what I have been looking for since I left the last town. I am the kind of person that wishes when I am excited, that everyone around me could JOIN in that excitement, understand the depth of it, and jump up and down with me. If you don't actually jump up and down, or shout for joy, that's OK. Just as long as you understand, I am so, SO Happy that I have finally found what I didn't even know I was looking for!

As Winter Solstice Approaches...

2008-11-18T23:46:00.004-05:00

Though I appreciate and am exposing the boys to the more pagan ways of recognizing the changing of the seasons, we have always celebrated Christmas and all the traditional Christian holy days. Not in the sense of going to church, but in the other, more cultural ways of celebrating the seasons. I read on one of my message boards a neat way to do gifts and we're going to try it this year. The theme is: Something you want, something you need, something home made and something to read. We discussed this with the boys and they are happy with it; they've already picked out yarn colors for their new knit hats and scarves. (because, of course, of how cold it gets in this part of the country, haha!) I'm excited to see how it goes, and of course they won't each end up with only 4 gifts! We are actually hosting Christmas and all of those festivities here in our new home, so Nee-Nee and PaPa will bring the REAL goods! And Ed and the boys and I will get to cook and serve the meal and everything! This will be my first time hosting Christmas. We hosted Easter the first year we lived in Spartanburg. I'm still in sticker shock over the price of that ham! Hehe. I know it's quite a chore, but I've decided to make it as fun as possible for everyone involved. I'm not going to compare my cooking to anyone else's or my way of doing things to anyone else's. It will be whatever it is, and I know that will be enough. But thank goodness I don't have Thanksgiving duty also, we're going a tiny bit up North for that. Phew! Till then I am crocheting what are turning out to be some lovely Christmas stockings for our family. Our camera is broken, or I'd post pictures. I noticed I was pretty focused on discussing the upkeep of my home in the last two posts, so I thought I'd mention the other things floating around in my brain. :) Wouldn't want anyone to think my new all natural medication wasn't working and I was obsessing about keeping my house clean..hmm, I think I heard the dryer buzzer...better run...hahahah

Re-framing My Perspective

2008-11-17T22:35:00.003-05:00

I have always come at life with the idea that it is a challenge to be conquered. I enjoy most of my life, but always in a, HA! I knew I could do that! kind of way. Somehow I got wired to believe that if I am not fighting, I can't win; if I can't win then I must be weak or stupid, or worst of all Wrong. I also had the very wrong idea that if I'm not in control of things, then whoever else is in the room is in control. Ever since I've gotten seriously interested in radical unschooling, from here on out to be referred to as "consensual living," I have figured out that not only is control an illusion, but it's an unnecessary one. I'm devouring everything I can read on the idea of consensual living. I'm learning that it's mostly about having compassion for others and finding the joy in life and being joyful when others find their joy. I had a real problem with this way of thinking at first. Turns out, it was just a misunderstanding. I thought that all this joy-talk was very airy-fairy stuff. I thought this way of thinking meant if my kids made a mess of the living room and decided not to help me clean it up, I was just supposed to joyfully clean it up. That wasn't going to happen in the frame of mind I was holding on to. Cleaning can appear to be the bane of my existence, when I'm not careful of how I'm looking at it, or expressing it to others. See, if I say bane of my existence, you might get the idea that I absolutely hate cleaning up, that I feel like I HAVE to do it, and that's it not one bit fair that I am the one *stuck* with all the mess while they get to joyfully play and do whatever happy things happy kids that aren't *stuck* cleaning get to do. And that is exactly how I was looking at it when I wanted to quit unschooling. LOL. The truth of the matter is, first off, they are not simply making a mess in the living room. They are exploring, playing, learning, living, enjoying life! That is not something that anyone should take for granted in this day and age either. Second, they are not willfully deciding not to help me. They are simply deciding to remain in whatever happy activity they find themselves in. I believe children think in positives, as opposed to negatives. They're never doing something to upset us. They're simply doing what makes them happy. Isn't that a better frame for it? The messy living room is still there, evidence of happy, joyful kids living here. And I still have no help cleaning it. So how to re-frame that? OK, I can choose to become bitter and resentful that they are enjoying themselves while I am stuck cleaning. Or I can go ahead and tidy it up, appreciating that my kids get to have these happy times. I know I'll be more joyful once the room is neat again, and then I'll go on to whatever I enjoy more than cleaning. They don't have that sense of if this, then that firmly in place yet. I do. I can be the adult and let them have their happy childhoods. And I can be glad that I have 3 amazing boys who are so involved in whatever they're doing that it lights them up and do I really want to be the one to put out that shine in them?? I do not. I also misunderstood consensual living to meant that I shouldn't even ask for help if I felt like I needed it. Wrong again. I can ask. As long as I can accept that, just as if you were here visiting and involved in something, and too into it to jump to my request, they also might just be too busy to help. LOL. Sounds pretty wacky, but it's working out so far so good. I am very new at this and don't have a lot of the answers to common questions about this way of living, but I can say it just feels good to be trying it. I've gotten frustrated a few times and tried to go back to the I'm In Charge model of living, and I have to say that definitely does NOT feel right anymore. So my short term goals are to remember to change the way I'm looking at things. Just like when my husband leaves the hair from his razor all over the bathroom sink. I can clean it up if it bothers me or I can leave it. Either way, I am thankful that he's alive and well enough to be shaving before he goes off to work hard all day long so that I am able to stay home and be with our boys all day.

Update on Unschooling and Cleaning

2008-11-06T12:30:00.008-05:00

Ever since I wrote my Radical Unschooling and Cleaning post, I keep reminding myself to try the fun, let's turn on some music and dance and clean the house style, before ever getting to the I NEED HELP mean monster mommy style. I'm sure all of you always remember to be the fun Mom before the Bad Guy Mom, right? (insert conspirational, snickering laugh here.) For whatever reason, things are just going really well with Tyler. Each time I explain that I think the house is getting too messy and ask for help, he jumps to my aid. Then, of course, Evan jumps in. With Philip, I am finding I do need to be more direct and just plain ask him to do a task. I am not particularly un-schooly about the asking, i.e., I actually do expect a Yes answer. However, when I don't get one, I am open to gentle negotiations. TIMING is negotiable, and on better days, even IF is negotiable, as long as the negotiations are respectful and gentle, on both sides. They all seem to respect that Ed and I have major issues with having the living room and kitchen a mess, and they are all striving to pick up after themselves, even saying "oh yeah!" when we remind them that toys and other things need to go back into their bedrooms. Evan actually enjoys putting his blocks back into the vinyl bin and carrying it back to his room. I am learning more about the how-to's of radical unschooling by reading archives on yahoo lists. I've decided I jumped into things and verbally lifted all controls too suddenly. It might have worked better had I just started giving more "yes" answers, and simply just been more present in each moment with the boys and my husband. And now, that is what I'm doing. Gradual is always better when it comes to change with my family. Again, I am happily bewildered with how things are going with Tyler. Giving up on thinking I am in control of him has really flipped a switch in him. He came to me in the first week of our "official unschooling" and requested I help him learn to read. We started with Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder, and at my suggestion, scaled back a few levels and are now working through Dinosaurs Before Dark by Mary Pope Osborne. [a comment here for my friend Randi: OK, yes, from the standpoint of teaching someone to read, I can see it now. these books are very terribly written and i would not recommend anyone read them with a young child. the sentences are mostly fragments, the writing is simple, etc. it is hard to sit through. i do like the repetition though, and it's much easier than the very well written Laura Ingalls books, LOL.] He is actually reading, with occasional requests for reminders from me, and incredibly determined with it also! I brought the book to the polls with us, in hopes he would request to read, and he did! He seems much more relaxed and happy being in charge of his own academia and other daily responsibilities, and many discussions are taking place that in the past would have been cut short by "whatever mom, yeah we know." Some time after I posted my request for help with radical unschooling and cleaning, it dawned on me that I don't have to cut off all limits and boundaries and guidance for my children. I can simply be more trusting that they will be able to recognize their own body cues. I can offer information, suggestions and guidance, with respect as I would to a friend. I can accept it if they decline to follow most of the information and suggestions. It is hard, but I'm telling you all of them are happier this way and our house is running smoother. I call out reminders for morning teeth brushing, and they all gather in the bathroom together to brush. I'm finding out quickly that they are more willing to cooperate when less is asked of them. To the point that if I do raise my voice or say no, they actually hear the level I'm at and they respect it by doing what I've asked of them! And one more note on the cleaning: I remembered shortly after the cleaning post, that in Columbia, I arranged Cleaning Playdates with friends. A Mom and kids would come to my house one day and the kids would play while the Mom's cleaned. The kids and I would go to their house the following week. I can't believe I forgot about that! Anyway, I've sent out the idea on my local playgroup's Yahoo list and I've gotten responses already! Yippee! So, with that plus our Historic and most wonderful Presidential Election, life here is just awesome!

YES WE CAN!!

2008-11-05T01:15:00.002-05:00

The boys and I stood in line for 4 hours today to cast my ballot for President. I didn't complain for one second of that time. I was, by far, the most enthusiastic voter in the whole place. And that should say a lot, considering the length of the line! Not knowing the outcome of the votes, tears threatening to stream down my cheeks, I let out a nice, loud, WOOT!! as I pressed "confirm vote" on my touch screen. I knew my voice would be counted. I knew no matter what the outcome would be, that my vote would count. I learned 8 years ago what it means to be on the losing end of a Presidential election. I learned what happens when we take for granted that someone else will speak up even if we don't. In that time I have learned to write letters to my representatives and to speak out about my beliefs in politics. I have learned that mistakes will be made on both sides. Most of all I have learned that I do love this Country and all that it stands for, most especially our Freedom.

Thank you to all the men and women who came before me; thank you for paving the way for me to have the right to vote. For me to have the freedom to choose to stay at home with my children or join the work force. Thank you for your determination and for your sacrifices. Thank you for fighting for and standing for and believing in freedom; then and now. Thank you for rising above color and cultural divides. Or, for not rising above that and voting the way you did because of that! Thank you to each and every one of you that stood in those lines beside me and across this Nation to vote. Thank you for voting your conscience, thank you for voting your logic. Thank you for voting for McCain and thank you for voting for Obama. Without every single voice on both sides, the true voice of the people would not have been heard. Tonight we were heard. We were heard in higher numbers and in more clarity than we have ever been heard before. (in my time) Tonight and forever more I am Proud to be an American. I feel more secure and more free this early morning than I have in more than six years. Thank you friends and family and strangers, thank you!
If I hadn't already stopped taking my pharmaceutical anti-depressants, tonight would certainly be the night to do so!! Love & Hugs and Hope to All!! ~Tracee

Get Out There & Vote!

2008-11-04T00:39:00.002-05:00

In the past couple of weeks I have come across a variety of people who, for one reason or another, have chosen not to participate in the Presidential Election this year. One friend is even going to the polls, yet refraining from casting a vote for President, because of feelings of discontent with the way the campaigning ended up. One parent I spoke with at one of my boy's soccer games told me he's never voted in his life!! I cannot even put into words how strongly I feel about this. This Country was built on Democracy and Freedom. Our founders worked very hard to make this a place where everyone's voice is heard. Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, lots of people feel their voices don't count. Others feel that by voting "for the lesser of the two evils," they are going against their conscience. I saw a bumper sticker on a van that said something to the effect of "throw away your vote, not your conscience!" I don't believe either of the two men leading this race is actually "evil." Unfortunately, we don't yet live in an ideal world where opinions can be expressed w/out negative feedback. Politics get ugly. The media put their own slant on things, and it looks even uglier. It's always been this way. Refraining from voting WILL NOT change that. And I don't think any ONE person will ever match anyone's heart and conscience fully. I think you have to look at who will be working with your candidate. And I think you have to involve yourself in legislation by calling, writing letters, organizing rally's, etc. I believe all that can be expected if you refrain from participating, or refrain from voting, is that your voice will not be heard. If you don't like the two major candidates, vote for someone else, or even WRITE IN a name. Voting is not only a privilege, but a responsibility of the citizens of this Country. As women, I think it is even more important to make our voices heard; for so long, we were not allowed to vote. Many women before us worked and struggled hard to make sure their daughters and grand-daughters would have this right and privilege! I do think it's certainly our right to abstain from that responsibility, for we are lucky enough to live in this wonderful country! I think though, that by not voting, a person is doing a disservice to their fellow country-women and men, past, present and future! And I think if you do not cast your vote, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. If you don't like the way things are done, get involved in changing them! Change involves action, not in-action. So please , everyone, be proactive tomorrow (now today!) and get out there and cast your ballot for President!

Stepping of my soap-box now, and still not feeling like I've done quite enough to rock the vote.....

Radical Unschool and Cleaning

2008-10-28T08:47:00.004-04:00

We had our worst day yesterday since we jumped into radical unschooling. I've been reading about Chores on a radical unschooling list serve. From that, I see that a mistake I might have made jumping into this was verbally "lifting all controls." My kids are very confused right now. They hear me saying that they are free to say no, but they see me struggling with it, and basically not really meaning it yet. It is an unschooling philosophy, IF I am understanding it correctly, that the NEED for a neat and tidy or clean house is the issue of the person that has that need. LOL I keep asking myself, what kid would want to clean up all these overwhelming piles of toys, dishes, etc., if I can't even get up the willpower to do it? It doesn't keep me from falling into my familiar victim role of "i can't do it all by myself!" I even had a small epiphany a week or so ago about how I really do feel awesome when I have a clean house, and so it would be worth it for me to just get over it and get it done. Everything becomes very black and white to me when I am in a victim/panic/really-need-it-my-way-now-mode, so I officially told the kids about 3 days ago, that we are not radically unschooling with chores anymore. LOL For two days we have been sorting through overturned toy boxes, with trash bags in the boys bedrooms, etc. Oh, by the way, their rooms have been that way since we moved in! I didn't want to unpack, because I wanted the house to keep that brand new clean feeling to it! Haha! So of course, having all those boxes hidden in their closets made it all the more fulfilling for them to dump them!! Piles of disorganized chaos fill me with an overwhelming panicky feeling that I can't even describe. Anway. I cleaned my room first, still trying to keep with the "model the behavior" mantra I have going on. In between errands and gymnastics, while we were home, we turned on music and worked together and it ended up being a fun time. Before I reinstated the Chore Patrol (haha!), I was an angry, yelling, giving up on unschooling Mama, all to end up with a bunch of dancing happy kids that are helping me clean. What I'm trying to remember to do, to keep in my head, is How can I skip the whole yelling, screaming and demanding part of things? I know my main comment-leavers are not radical unschoolers, but I'm sure you might have suggestions that would be helpful anyway? And if you're lurking around this blog, and have an idea, please leave it in the comments section! Thanks!

Hunky Dunky Happy Post

2008-10-21T02:01:00.005-04:00

I recently joined a Yahoo list serve and the very first posts I read were entitled "Recitation of Glee." They were posts much like the one you're reading. Though in my negative haze I've been caught up in lately, it seemed a little over the top...almost contrived or airy fairy or just not real. However, I've decided to give it a go. Enjoy, and maybe it will inspire you to do the same! If so, I look forward to reading! Here goes! I find my Joy in: The sound of my boys breathing sleepily beside me after story time; that has always been like heaven to me. Burying my head against my husband's chest in a warm and perfect hug that just feels like home. Hugs in general. Seeing the water as we drive over bridges and knowing we LIVE in this town, it's not just a vacation anymore. The complete and utter delight my children get when I say YES to more cookies, candy and soda. Or anything else they couldn't have had previously. Listening to Little House series C.D.s or Harry Potter when we're driving; more than that, the boys ASKING me to play the C.D.'s! When I figure out that my guess was correct and I AM driving in the right direction to get where I'm going! Having Internet access and this space to Blog and share everything I'm going through, knowing that when I read it later I will be SO glad I wrote it all out! The smell and feel of my children when they are close to me. Noticing the growth spurt the Curly Willow has had since we planted it with Evan's placenta. Watching all of the seedlings grow, and caring for the plants in the garden. Wrestling with the boys on the bed. And even better, when Ed unexpectedly joins us. The excitement the boys have had about watching football with Ed since they've gotten into playing Madden 05 on the PS2. The joy that lights Ed's face when the boys ask him to play Madden games with them! Philip telling me how he pulls Evan on the bed with him in the morning for cuddles sometimes. I didn't know that! How sweet! Seeing Tyler's eyes light up with pure joy at being able to read...he comes to me every night now with Farmer Boy, ready to read it himself. His pure determination is inspiring. Seeing the light back in Ed's eyes since we've been in this town. Watching him building things in the garage and taking care of the home maintenance and preparing to go fishing. Sitting with Ed and watching the boys at the beach. Watching Philip in the ocean. He goes into the water the moment we arrive and stays in until the last moment possible before we leave. The feeling I get when I swim out to join him and we both know nobody else can reach us and it is just the two of us for just a few minutes. He rolls and jumps with the waves and it looks like he is purely contented in the water. Seeing the excitement in Ed's eyes for me and how excited I was to get a part in the play I'm in. Being able to be with the theatre group and getting all the jokes and feeling like a part of an ensemble and just overflowing with giggles and laughter as we work through the funny parts of the script. Whenever Philip gets a joke, or understands something new. The joy Philip gets from telling jokes is cool too! Watching the boys work together to help get each other to the next level in Harry Potter and Madden PS2 video games. Catching Philip reading to his little brothers when we are at the library. Watching Evan flip from being distraught to overjoyed that one of his brothers or I will FINALLY play with him after he's been waiting a total of 30 seconds. ;) Watching the boys dressing up as and pretending to be whichever character they are into each day. Seeing how happy the boys are when they get to play with friends. The Fall weather and excitement that comes with this season. We love wearing jeans and long sleeves and watching the leaves changing! And the pumpkin patches, hay rides, hot dog roasts and S'mores! Remembering all the places we've been and friends we've had during the month of October for the passed 9 years. We started in Simpsonville with Baby Philip and the Playgroup that formed from attachment Mom's in Le Leche League, with new ideas and radical changes. Remembering the first time I wore Philip in a sling and then suddenly he was a big brother! Then onto Inman with new friends and new traditions (remember Apple Crisps and playgroups at my house??) and my fatback Baby Tyler, who really was just not comfortable in a sling at all! Finally to Columbia, which we dreaded (can you imagine?!) but became the most attached to the friends there, with more play dates and traditions for all seasons, more new foods than ever, and Baby Evan. And here we are. The first move we've made w/out a new baby! And we've found new friends, have plans for NEW Halloween traditions, have a beautiful NEW house that sparkles when it's clean, and everything is fresh and crisp and ready to be discovered! And lastly, being able to truly enjoy everything that is New, knowing that what came before now, the friends, the places, the experiences and lessons, will never be forgotten and will always remain in my heart....and in my cell phone contact list, e-mail, etc. :) And, knowing that I have a wonderful, hardworking, incredibly supportive, patient husband who has already warmed up my side of the bed to go climb in next to when I'm done with this joy-inspiring blog entry! Husband and children: Thank You for being my family and loving me and letting me love you. Friends: Whether near or far, Internet or In-Real-Life, thank you for being whoever you are and wherever you have been that let us be who we are to each other. I love you.
Gadzoops Wetherby! This whole Recitation of Glee idea really works! I feel good! I could go on and on...but I've got MORE joy to go drink up...really, there's this really good juice in my fridge and then..and plus...and don't forget....

This Kid Rocks!

2008-10-14T15:53:00.004-04:00

So, enthusiastic person that I am, I often jump up and volunteer for things that I'm not quite sure I can do. Well, I'm sure I CAN do them, I'm just not always sure I know exactly how to, or in this case, remember how. LOL. It's been a few years since I've sewn anything on a machine. Mine is currently resting in my bedroom closet, recuperating from being oiled with EVOO. Please tell me that made your day, please. :) The bobbin case is also broken. I don't seem to have luck with bobbins. So, I'm working on sewing some hems on some costume pieces for the show. The show, which by the way, is MEANT to make you feel very uncomfortable and will almost certainly have a naked man prancing by your seat . So, if you are not comfortable with ALMOST full frontal nudity, this is your warning. I'm certainly not, but I'll talk more about that later. I'm using someone else's machine, which I was just SURE I could figure out. Mmm-umm. (That would be shaking head from side to side, not up and down.) So, I call my mother-in-law. She is just as sure as I was at first that I can figure this out, and what can she do over the phone? Thanks anyway. I call my Director, who is the owner of said sewing machine. No answer. And do I really want to bother her again, when I feel like all I've done is ask a million and one questions about how to do a job I should already know how to do? Nope, I do not. So, at the wonderful suggestion of my mother in law, I begin to search for instructions on line. Here is where I found them:

I didn't even have to play it twice! I got my bobbin loaded and I am a happy, independent seamstress now. At least until I have to return this machine. So, I just wanted to say thanks to the kid who made this video. I couldn't have done it w/out you!

Becky's Checklist

2008-10-10T14:27:00.002-04:00

Here is a copy and paste of the check list I mentioned in my previous post. It's hanging on my fridge still here.

My Checklist for the New Unschooler

1. Remove the word "educational" from your vocabulary. Resist the urge to ask yourself whether or not the games, videos, comic books or activities your children choose are worthwhile. It's all worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. If you just can't let go of the need to have a hand in what they choose, simply leave interesting things "laying around" the house (with no expectations, of course): a new library book or a deck of cards on the coffee table, a roll of stamps and some stationery on the kitchen table, you get the idea.

2. Slow down and relax. Don't feel the need to fill up your days with loads of activity. Leave room for spontaneity and just hanging out, with no agenda. Don't over schedule. The beauty of an unschooling life is that there are no musts. If life gets busy and overwhelming, stop. Breathe. Take a moment to decide how to proceed in a way that will align with your values. Try to ignore the belief that more is better. Take advantage of the time you have just being together as a family and see what happens. Creativity and wonder creep in easily when you're not racing around and busy all the time.

3. Make sure that cool stuff is within reach. This means games, puzzles, art supplies, kitchen staples, books, maps, notebooks, pens, staplers, duct tape, hole punches, envelopes, address books, dice, clay and anything else that your kids like to get their hands on. Keeping items within reach makes it a whole lot easier for your kids to be independent and get creative on their own terms.

4. Make time for the things you enjoy. If you love to garden, paint, swim, read, sing, cook, ride your bike, hike in the forest, browse book stores, or make jewelry, then be sure to do it! Your children will notice that you do what you love, and they'll be freed up to do the same. Passion and creativity are contagious. They may even join you!

5. Have fun. It's what children do best, and with some luck, we adults can follow their lead. If there's one thing our children have to teach us, it's how to stay fully in the moment. Anything is more fun when you're focused and free of worry and fear. The laundry and the dishes will still be there when you're through. Go have some fun.

6. Don't be afraid of being called a flake. Unschoolers are notorious for dabbling, which to schoolish folks appears flaky. Choose your activities carefully and don't be shy about speaking up when some thing's not a good fit. The beauty of life without school is that there is no need for compulsory anything.....anything! If you or your child can't remember why you've decided to do something and the joy is gone (or never existed in the first place) it's time to reevaluate. Your sanity and quality of life are more important than someone else's idea of following through.

7. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We're all human. We all screw up and snap at our kids or say the wrong thing. Spending more time with your kids means a higher likelihood of losing your cool. Don't sweat it. Learn to say you're sorry and move on. It'll be okay. If nothing else, you'll be giving your children permission to do the same. Children (and adults) who are allowed to feel their feelings (all of them) and take responsibility for them, end up being emotionally healthy people.

8. Remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. Chances are, if you're chosen unschooling, you stand out a bit in the crowd. Not everyone understands why we do what we do, and that's a good sign. It means you're challenging mainstream beliefs about kids and adults and families. You know what works for you, and that's all that matters. Spend time with parents who interact with their kids the way you do (or the way you'd like to). Limit your time with people who challenge your self esteem, especially in the beginning. Surround yourself with allies in person and otherwise, if necessary (read unschooling blogs, books, e lists, and magazines), to counteract that little voice questioning your every move.

9. Chose the relationship over your need to be right. Preserving your relationship with your child will prove to be the high road when it comes to petty arguments and power struggles. Try, "I'm sorry." , or "You might be right." instead. Unschooling as a parenting style means choosing to spend more time with your child than the average parent. Use that extra time to strengthen your relationship rather than break it down.

10. Trust your children. Completely. Wholly. Unconditionally. It will be scary. You will wonder, at times, if you've gone completely bonkers. You won't, however, be sorry. Before questioning or second guessing your child's intuition, ask yourself if you would respond in the same way to an adult. If not, think twice before speaking up. Children treated with respect and trust are more equipped to reflect that back to the world around them.

Well, there you have it. Just ten steps. Good luck.

Becky is the unschooling mother of three (Janey, 12, Macy, 10 and Charley, 7) attempting to raise her children with compassion and respect. She taught elementary school for 9 years before discovering unschooling when it was time for her oldest to go to Kindergarten. She credits Sandra Dodd, Mary Griffith, Jan Hunt, and just about every other person she interacted with at her first HSC Home=Education conference 6 years ago, as her inspiration to find a more natural way of living and learning with children. She is a passionate and radical transportation activist and is starting a non-profit carsharing organization in her town. You can read more of what Becky has to say at http://lifewithoutschool.blogspot.com She can be reached at ashlandcarshare@gmailcom.

October 06, 2008 in About Educational Philosophy, About Enjoying Life, About How We Unschool, About Lifestyle, About Natural Learning, About Parenting Without School, About Unschooling, About: What is Unschooling?, More by: Becky, REAL STORIES: REAL LIVES, RS: Unschooling | Permalink

Thought For The Day

2008-10-08T14:53:00.005-04:00

I just had a moment of pure feeling. For a couple of weeks now, I have found myself in situations which I react to as the lonely kid not picked to be on the kick ball team. Today was another one of those situations. Since the switch from antidepressants to natural supplements, I have been having lots of feelings come up, triggered by this and that. Purely normal since I am no longer numbed by whatever chemicals are in the drugs. It can affect my whole day if I don't deal with it and process it immediately. Which I do believe is how we felt as children, and how our children feel. And we're all supposed to learn how to process as children, but are quickly stifled due to the discomfort that expression of those feelings creates in others. One more reason to be glad I'm working on total Trust and Respect for my children. I printed out a "new unschooler's checklist" last night. It suggests considering if we would talk to another adult in the same way we speak to our children. Think about that one. Of all the things you say to your children over the course of a day, how much of that would be socially acceptable or appropriate to say, in just the way you say it to your child, to an adult? I think many of us would lose friendships, jobs, etc. if we even tested the theory for a day. I think we should all be wary of that and learn to speak to our children with the same kindness and respect we expect to be spoken to with. It's hard, but well worth it, I believe. Especially if you agree that children model the behavior they see....if you're not modeling kindness and respect to them, why do you expect it back from them?

Pictures

2008-10-05T22:20:00.010-04:00

Allie by Tyler

Me by Tyler

Tyler by Tyler

I don't know what sort of pose this is. Tyler is the photographer.

Photo of Evan by Tyler

The tipped over pots are toad pots Tyler and Evan painted and placed there a while back. Never had a toad in them of it's own accord. :)

The Azaleas are blooming in the wrong season! It's October!

Hunter and Philip digging up weeds before they plant their seeds.

Philip planted pepper plants from Hunter.

Short Entries

2008-10-04T22:49:00.003-04:00

I never write short entries. Just thought I would. The show is awesome, having fun. My parents in-law are here. They and the kids are enjoying their time together. Soccer games, dominoes, the park. Ed's sick, spent the day in bed. I've been a cooking, cleaning fool. The weather is cooling off, I love it. Autumn's our favorite season, Halloween our favorite holiday. All is well. :)

A New Lifestyle

2008-09-30T22:46:00.005-04:00

I've been keeping a closer eye on what the boys are into since we've decided to delve more deeply into unschooling. I keep a journal in my Homeschool Tracker of all the going's on here. I must say, this is quite a difficult lifestyle I've chosen, this move into radical unschooling. For now anyway. I'm assured, and I believe, that it will get easier as we de-school ourselves and learn to find our passion or joy in life. My daily mantra and motto for now is "Trust and Respect." I am doing everything in my power to respect each of my children's authentic selves. It gets tricky because they've already been raised not to expect that respect, so they are having a hard time trusting it. At the same time, I'm having a hard time meaning it! I still have major control issues, and find myself "shoulding" all over myself and them a couple times a day! Ex 1: You should be doing something besides just watching cartoon network, Philip. By the way, have you ever talked to your kids after they've watched TV, or during? They are never "just" sitting there watching TV. Ex 2: You Should WANT to help with the house work Philip, it shouldn't have to be something I have to nag for! LOL. Gets sort of confusing for all involved! What 9 year old WANTS to help with the house work? Ha! And I'm telling him he can be and do what he chooses, and then telling him he's making the wrong choices. Ha!! I'm telling him he is allowed to negotiate the terms of chore requests, but then I freak out when he chooses simply not to help out. I keep reminding myself to "model the behavior" that I expect from them. I also keep reminding myself that it will take time before they trust that I will allow them to live from their true selves, out from under the shadows I've already put over them. In case you are totally confused and wondering if you should call DSS, or worse yet, wondering if I should perhaps go back on my antidepressants, lemme do some splainin. ;) The premise of radical unschooling is trusting that children will learn what they need to know, when they want or need to know it. It involves allowing children to live from their true selves. Of course, that means with guidance and mindfulness of the parents. The idea is, to the best of my understanding, that w/in common sense boundaries, and personal boundaries based on the needs of each family member, and economic limitations, the children will eventually learn to live from a place of authenticity, to know what they truly desire in life, to know what brings them true joy and to be able to be, have, or do whatever that is. And they will trust that I am here to help them get there, with no ulterior motives. And once they have discovered they have full freedom to do this, I have been told and I believe, all the rest will fall into place. They will find where they fit in the family and will do their part to help it run. And if not, by that point in time, I'll be living from my authentic self, and I'll be able to accept wherever they are coming from. At least that is my highest hope!! The best thing I've said so far, in a conversation with Philip, really lit a light bulb for him. I explained that the reason Ed and I get so frustrated when we don't get help with the chores, is that it's really a LOT for two people to do on their own, besides working a full time job and managing a household of 3 homeschooled kids. I told him a bit about how Ed and I used to be so frustrated with our old house even after we cleaned it, because it was so aged and generally unkempt over the years, that we couldn't even tell the difference after so much hard work. But this new house, I told him, simply sparkles (and it does!) when it's all clean and organized. I explained how it just didn't feel fair, that even though he didn't ask to be here, that Ed and I have to do all the work. I always mention how I realize he didn't actively choose to be in this family {though I believe as a soul in heaven, we actually do choose our parents} because I remember telling my Mom that I shouldn't have to clean up for her just because she had me. Yep, I've always been a snarky little girl, LOL! We had been quite upset at the outset of that conversation, and all of a sudden he looked up at me and said "I just never looked at it that way before." This was two days ago and he's done the dishes each time I ask him to, with no complaint. And out of Trust and Respect for his interests and time, if he chooses not to do them, I am much more comfortable about accepting that from him. I believe he "gets it" now and will eventually share the chore load more as, once again, he learns that he can truly trust me. I can post links another time, it's late and I'm tired tonight. The "school" part of things isn't so hard to live with, nor to track and record, as I've always been quite clever at giving subject titles to the different activities the boys engage in each day. As much for my own record, as well as for anyone who's interested, here's a look at how I organize their activities into a school journal. Cooking is science, math and art. Philip's comic book drawing is also art, and writing. Evan can be found making shapes with play dough, or drawing all over the chalkboard in the kitchen. Or all over himself with markers. I have video of his most recent body art, I'll post it later. He's also been playing with his cars quite a bit. He is lining them up, destroying the line, and building it again. That's all pre-writing, art, and sometimes math, since he counts as he picks each car up, and makes shapes as he lines them up. Tyler and Evan rearrange the magnetic letters on the refrigerator over and over again. That's pre-reading. It especially sounds like pre-reading when they ask me to sound out their lovely creations! How do you pronounce phxleckmoo? Tyler has finally learned to knit! He's been asking for quite some time. When I finally got the idea that I didn't have to so much "teach" him, as much as facilitate and guide him, he learned quite quickly!! I gave him yarn, two needles, sat him on my lap and let him watch a video at www.knittinghelp.com. He had it in less than 15 minutes! Pre-reading, and if he keeps going he'll definitely learn the math of it! Ed got them interested in puzzles again a couple of weeks ago, so they were doing that for a bit. Math, problem solving. When the guys play together, they are usually acting out, or making up their own scenes, from Star Wars, Pokemon, or Spiderman, etc. This would be Dramatic Role Playing. (thanks Lynn!) ;) Television programs on Discovery Channel, Science Channel, and even Sprout and PBS are usually Science/Nature Study, if not at least some type of themed lesson around problem solving, which I could call Social Studies or even Math if the mood struck. ;) We are listening to On The Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder, whenever we're in the car. That would be Literature, History, Science, Social Studies, etc. Actually, the boys remind me to turn it on when we get in the car, and the other day I overheard Philip and Tyler discussing what each of the character's look like in their mind's eye. THAT was a Proud Mommy Moment. All the kids are getting into gardening, weeding, and other yard work. We have a feeder set up for the birds, and so we see lots of birds each day. Nature study, "community" service. Hehe. Ed and the boys finished the work bench for the garage. That's math for sure. Even Evan now knows exactly where to find the "hammer bammer." :) And then there are all the field trips we've taken and plan to take! We are on a list serve of families, which includes a lot of homeschoolers. One of the Mom's (hi Bonnie!) has filled our calendar with Friday Field trips through November! Last Friday we learned some mapping skills on a field trip at the Powder Magazine. We got to tour (tour leaders: Philip and his friend Andrew, also 9) downtown Charleston on a scavenger hunt for clues about real pirates that ended up being captured and hanged. The boys had to follow the mapping directions and then read clues to figure out why we were at each site. Philip kept repeating "this is FUN school, we could do this all the time!" Hehe. I've checked with the kids about their interests, and so far we are attending almost every Friday Field trip that is coming up. This week we are going to the Angel Oak tree on John's Island for a lesson in "Treeology." We all read books every day too, aloud and silently. They're still doing gymnastics twice a week, and both of the littles are playing soccer this season. Philip and Tyler will be playing flag football this winter. So, there's the physical education. I guess I could count all the jumping on the bed and flipping and rough housing I do with the little guys as physical education too. Then I factor in all the conversations we have, and time spent looking up the answers to questions that Ed and I don't know, and they have a well rounded education happening almost all by itself! To seasoned unschoolers, I'm obviously still very much de-schooling. But I get it now, and I'm already feeling more joyful on a daily basis! All I have to do is look at Philip to know he is well on his way to joy. Somehow, perhaps because of his determined nature, Tyler has pretty much always had an unschooled life. He is much happier now that I am not struggling against it though. And Evan's just the easiest kid any Mom could ask for, just along for the ride and enjoying every minute of it.

I Never Told You...

2008-09-17T11:22:00.005-04:00

I have been so busy that I haven't mentioned that I am actually doing a show!! I am the understudy to a multi-role part in a show called The Emperor Is Naked? I'm also Stage Manager. :) The Show is a "zany political satire designed to 'wake the Sheeple' in us all." It's also quite a musical! The goal of Deuce Theatre, in general, is to break through the "4th wall" and have the audience become active participants in the show. They are the first place I auditioned with, thanks to the heads up from Ruth! Now, though I am not in the minds of the directors, I have a pretty good idea from having read the script and being a part of it, that they want to "shock and awe" us (very comically) out of our modern day-media led-unaware-of -what's-REALLY- going-on-around-us-stupor. They're not your everyday main stream theatre company, for sure. Think I fit in? :) You will actually get to vote on how the show will end, (but only if you're there!) and afterward we hope to have a "talk back" with the audience, gathering thoughts and opinions and really hoping to "wake up" in everyone a desire to, ah-hem, BE the change they want to see in the world. Of course, I could be wrong about the intent of the directors, but this is just what I have gathered so far. Click the link in the beginning of this entry (or any of the other conveniently located links) and you'll go to Deuce Theatre's Web page and you can pick which dates you'll be coming to see my, I mean the, show. :) Tickets are on sale now and there are a lot of you I haven't seen in a while! You know we bought an extra bed for YOU to have your own space when you come visit. And anyone who is already here...no excuses! Don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes! Flock on over to the North Charleston Cultural and Civic Center Complex and prepare to Wake Up.

(hmmm? was that too much of a public relations post? you think? and what are the references to "sheeple" and wool and flock about? well, maybe it's cause i want you to come see my show! So go get your tickets now for The Emperor is Naked?)

It's Been A Long Five Weeks

2008-09-12T09:47:00.004-04:00

A lot has happened. Most importantly, the major brain zapping side effect of going off the lexapro seems to have dissipated. Maybe in the same category of importance, is the fact that I now have to take care of myself better. The 5-HTP tends to work better, (ah-hem, can you say understatement?) if I eat enough protein. There also seems to be a threshold to how many hours I can be awake before I have to take more of it. So, I'm going to bed earlier. Taking magnesium and evening primrose oil were very beneficial to helping me cope with the brain zapping. I figured since it was mostly gone, I didn't need those particular supplements anymore. Teehee. Wrong. I have suddenly remembered that my problem was one much more of anxiety than depression to begin with. Magnesium is necessary, as is whatever calming agent happens to be in evening primrose oil. So, for this child-absorbed Mama, it is really awesome to have absolutely no excuses for not taking care of me. If I don't, there will be emotional and physical consequences. Take that all you voices in my head that say the kids are more important than me!! :)
In other news, I am finally taking the full plunge into child-led learning. It's been a rough ride. I have done everything else on the cues of my children...let them be born on their own time, (sorry philip, you're always the guinea pig in this family!) nurse on cue, wean when they were ready, potty-learn as they showed signs of readiness. None of them ate solid food until they were asking for it at 8 months old. I didn't follow the trends, I followed my gut. And the advice of like-minded friends and other "experts" in the field of babies and young children. So, why should it be different now that they are school aged? I have struggled with homeschooling *methods* and ideas, curricula and schedules, etc. since we began. Philip has struggled with me. I thought it was par for the course. I am finally accepting that it doesn't have to be this way. He has recently begun to really fight me on sitting down (or even standing up!) and "doing school." I tried "buckling down." I tried a schedule. He is a people pleaser. So, at first he acquiesced. Then, he bucked. It became a power struggle. As everything that is forced on a child eventually will turn into. He lost a very huge bit of his spark. He said out loud for the first time ever that he wanted to go live somewhere else. (and remember, all this is occurring during me weaning from lexapro. hehehahah. I wanted to go live somewhere else too! LOL) So, I told him I quit. I am no longer in charge of your schooling. At first, it was a manipulative ploy to get him to do what I wanted. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just being honest. I tend to get manipulative with them when I feel out of control and think what I think is right or best. The thing that I have learned through these experiences is that I was never in control. Responsible to my children, yes. The one "in charge" of their health and safety, yes. I thought that extended to, I was raised to believe, that I was also responsible for making them learn whatever the standards are for each school grade. Whether that meant putting them in school, or making sure I taught it myself. The thing that has jumped up and almost slapped me in the face is this: My control over them is only an illusion. As is yours over your children. Even if they are perfect little angels that do everything you say, they are not doing it because they WANT to. They are doing it either to please you, or Buddha or God, or out of fear of punishment. Perhaps there are a few out there who find joy in everything being decided for them. My children are not part of that percentage of the world. :) Imagine that! Raised by me and not wanting to conform. Perhaps you are creative enough to make learning a wondrous adventure that is too exciting to buck (hi hannah!) I don't have that in me. Or perhaps I do somewhere, but it is way exhausting! So, I was just about to put them in public school. Let someone else do the forcing and I could just blame any unrest on "the system." Against every thought and instinct in my body, I threatened to do so. And then, the same instinct that always kicks in at just the right moment, kicked in again. Wait a minute, I thought. I actually can quit "schooling" them. I can put them in charge of themselves. They want to be anyway. All I was turning out to be was someone to fight against. And I had promised myself from a very young age that I would never be that person to my kids. So, I made it official. They are in charge of their own learning. The only condition, until I get over my imaginary sense of control, is that I need to see that they are interested in something and doing what they can to learn about it. So, we have all the discovery and science channels programmed into our remote now. More often than not, Philip is absorbed in Discovery Planet Earth. He has plans to design a web page to make people more aware of endangered species. Miraculously, at the same time he decided this was a main interest, an e-mail came to me about a 4-H program called Wildlife Habitat Evaluation Program. Kids from 8-19 get together and learn all about the Southeastern endangered species and how to manage habitat in order to protect them. Philip has been to this class once and loves it and it totally satisfies my urge to have him "sit and do school." He's also been building a workbench with his Dad, and they plan to eventually get a green house built. Philip's been planning a garden. He's also checked some cook books out of the library and has a list going of things he'd like to try to make. These are all things of his own choosing. In the past when I asked him what he was interested in learning, he simply said "i don't know." As soon as I put it in his hands, he chose all this cool stuff and is actively interested. The change in him is amazing to see and the spark is back! And strangely enough, I am quite happy to be out of the driver's seat and only there as my guidance and direction are needed. Of course, this is uncharted territory for us and I do tend to overstep my new boundaries quite a few times a day. I am working on it. We are all a work in progress, aren't we? The funniest realization I've had through it all is, that because of how determined Tyler has always been to do things his way, he has been leading his own learning all along. He figured out counting by 10's and other math concepts by playing Pokemon and other games. He learned to write at a young age because he wanted to write letters to friends all the time. He dictated, I spelled, he wrote. Now he is learning to read, and it seems it's almost by accident. He'll say, oh that says "buy" or "play," and those words are mostly from the computer games he plays all the time. It's just sight words now, but isn't that what we read most of on a daily basis? The rest will come, I'm sure.

Don't Worry 'bout Us, We're Fine

2008-09-06T16:06:00.002-04:00

Ed insisted the kids and I take the trek up to Columbia "in case" of the storms coming through. I've been staying at a friend's house who's gone to a conference in NC. Ed had to stay to work. It was nice to there alone, I didn't feel like I was imposing on anyone. BUT, they had shut down all their electronics, so I had no Internet, no TV, no nothing! ACK! I couldn't contact them because they were very busy, so we stayed busy out of the house. We spent the first day at Lake Murray with friends, and the second day at the zoo, with the same old friends. Today Philip was invited to go to an air show in Sumter with one of his friends. So, though we hated to pack up and leave town for an "in case" situation, we've had lots of fun. I'm at our "old" library getting my Internet fix, while the kids play computer games and we wait to meet back up with Philip.

The withdrawal effects are definitely lessening, and I'm feeling like I'm finally getting on an even keel with the new supplement. I'll update more when we get home.

Audition Update

2008-08-26T00:09:00.005-04:00

There were two theatres I auditioned with last week. One is a new theatre to the area, and only looking for a cast for an ongoing ensemble. That is the original one I planned on auditioning for. I found out about the second auditions, happening on the very same night, at a head shot party I went to at another theatre. I ended up getting there too late to get a free photo shoot and head shot, but I did get my resume out to all the local theatres that had representatives there, and I met almost all the local artistic directors. Yeah baby! So, the plan was to attend the head shot party from 11-2, attend the 4:30 audition in a different part of town and then head home. But, it turns out the theatre hosting the head shot party was having there ONCE YEARLY auditions that evening at 6:00. I find it very significant that just as I decide to jump back into theatre, everything presents itself to me all in one day. I couldn't have hoped for better assurance that this is the thing I should be doing with my life! I was pretty floppy at the first audition, incredibly nervous, and I have never seen anything shake as much as my own left hand as I held my monologue book and did my first audition. I hadn't intended to have to hold the stinking book, but I just couldn't memorize the whole thing in time. Of course, that is because I procrastinated not only until the night before, but till LATE the night before. And made a resume from start to finish also. Did I say night? Ha! I meant, very EARLY the morning of. Hehe. The husband-wife director team sent me out with a part of their script to look over and I came back in and did great! I used my really-funny-made-up-but-sounds-real Eastern European accent, and even sang Yankee Doodle in that accent for them!!! They were cracking up! I couldn't believe it. I was so psyched up!! The best part, I think, was the crotch scratching. Hehe. My monologue was about a girl whose boyfriend gave her crabs. She is trying to compose a dear john letter to him by talking into a tape recorder. One of the lines says "you need to get tested too. or else, God knows how many women will be scratching their crotches needlessly." Well. After 12 years completely out of the business, I had to do something to get their attention; as I said that line, I stood and scratched my crotch!! I still can't stop laughing. I didn't laugh when I did it, but each time I think of it I crack up!! The directors laughed at all the right places and I was sure I had landed my spot in their ensemble. I went on to the next audition, and on the advice of the first director team, I cut out about half of the monologue. It went much smoother, and they still laughed at the right spots. Of course, who wouldn't? Ha! But that time, when they laughed, I wasn't expecting it, and I got stuck on my lines and had to just repeat part of the monologue. I still think it was good. So, today makes a week and a day and I hadn't heard back from either theatre. I didn't think I was supposed to call them, but my manager of a husband insisted I must. From a manager's standpoint, it's the only way to get in. Gotta love him! I finally built up enough courage to call this afternoon. I called the director for the unexpected auditions first...the one where they do auditions only once a year. She said she was glad I called, she had my stuff right in front of her. But. But there wasn't anything for me this season as far as being cast in something. BUT, they do need stage managers for the bigger shows. Woohoo!! That is pretty damn exciting. It definitely assuaged the initial stab of disappointment at not being cast. I told her I'd do anything she needed and to just let me know. Next, I called the newer theatre, the one that is looking for a small ensemble group. Andrea explained that they are still doing auditions, that they have discussed me several times, they think I did a great job, especially after they sent me out and I came back in acting with their script, and that she will definitely call me as soon as she knows exactly where to put me. I feel like I'm finally not the last person waiting to be picked for the kick ball teams!!! Woohoo!! So, hopefully I'll be doing something within the next month or so in a theatre, in with a cast and crew, part of a team, that has absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding, parenting, or any of the other things that have been my life these last 9 years!! You can't even imagine how exciting that is to me, for as much as I have wrapped my whole world around my husband and children, theatre has always been my passion since college! Thank you Dave for making me get up and audition the very first time, thank you Monique for being the best teacher and director any actor could have, and thank you Universe for leading me back to it all! And thank you my manager husband, for insisting I call them back.

Now, if this medication shtuff could just work itself out, life would be pretty damn good.

Brain Zaps

2008-08-24T00:55:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about trying a natural supplement for my depression/anxiety for a few years now. For those that may not know, I have been on prescription antidepressants for 5-1/2 years. By the time I realized I was so depressed, it was too late to research and find a natural remedy. I didn't do much research on the drug since the overwhelming consensus was that I needed it regardless. I actually called Dr Jay Gordon, a pediatrician based in California, and a popular International Board Certified Lactation consultant, to make sure it was "safe" for nursing. Lexapro is actually graded as a C concerning contraindications in the mother's milk, which is what I checked with him for. Based on speaking with his nurse, my therapist, and being the one who had to live (and essentially save) my life, I went ahead and decided to take it. That stuff was AWESOME! I think on top of it actually "working" I became very quickly emotionally addicted to it. I can't give it enough credit for working as quick as it did and bringing me as close to normal as I could come again. My therapist explained that I should go off of it between 9-15 months. By that time, I was knee deep in dealing with my *stuff* and couldn't see how I was going to deal w/out the drugs. I haven't stopped dealing with my stuff, in fact I've delved deeper into it than ever in the past year. But I've always hated that Lexapro was a chemical mix and as far away from natural as anything I could have chosen to treat my depression/anxiety with. So, since moving here, I have found a very natural medical doctor. Two weeks ago, I decided to take the plunge and begin the switch from Lexapro to a natural supplement. I figured since we are doing better in this town than we have anytime or place before, (as a family) and since I have this great natural thinking doctor, it would be the perfect time. Homeschooling and our routines were good, everything was good. I started the switch the night Ed left to go to his Grandfather's funeral. I thought nothing would hit as far as withdrawals until he was home. I have been a mess since. Goodness, nobody told me going off Lexapro was going to be this crazy-making!!!! The cells in my brain seem to firing so that i can feel them....little tiny brain zaps that feel like electric shocks, like when you touch a metal doorknob after walking in socks on a carpet. Except it's a shock INSIDE my brain. I am foggy headed and exhausted and incredibly emotional. It is worse than being pregnant. (i am not a good pregnant person to be around, hehe!) Plus, I had intentions of having my Chiropractor adjust me through this time, but her brother died the day I started weaning!! She was gone until this Thursday and I have only gotten to see her once. I am so truly sorry for her loss, but couldn't the Universe have chosen better timing for ME? Oh, and that's part of the side effects too. I have become incredibly resentful of anyone asking anything of me. Strangely enough, this does not extend to the kids. I resent the hell out of the fact that they need so much from me, but this hasn't trickled down to them yet, thankfully! I am incredibly bothered by any noises, and very moody. I have kept in close touch with my doctor and he has advised that some of the symptoms are not withdrawal, but due to the huge doses of serotonin my body is making since the intro of the 5 HTP. He thinks we started too high....I have been sweating, anxious, dizzy, etc. So I am lowering my dosage starting tomorrow and hoping to get through this feeling better at the end than I have in a long time. Right now I am just feeling and reacting to everything incredibly intensely. Somehow, my kids have been guarded from this. Except for lots of hugs and kisses and reorganization of their school area, LOL. Pray that this trend continues and that I am over this withdrawal and serotonin syndrome quickly please. FYI: I continue to wean off the drugs and make the switch because no matter when I do this, it will be the same. There won't ever be a "good" time to wean. I have read countless comments all over the Internet of people going through the same thing. Because of this, though I have recommended Lexapro in the past, I won't ever again.

Pictures of Our Recent Adventures

2008-08-16T12:15:00.006-04:00

Evan casting on the bars. He's really pretty good.

Tyler posing for me during gymnastics. I think I was really getting on the coaches nerves!

It's fast food on the road. Doesn't he make it look like the coolest thing in the world? hehe

One of the planes we saw land from the control tower.

The easy button they couldn't get enough of.

Ty took this picture of a map somewhere in the building.

I love the smell of the sheets and blankets after they've dried on the line in the sun. Ahhh. (also, this is proof to anyone who doubted me, that I actually do the laundry and clean my house on occasion. hehe)

They're not hugging; they each took turns picking up the other.

Hanging out at Moe's after a day at the park. Good times baby! I love seeing the kids with their long time friends again.

All Is Well

2008-08-15T03:12:00.004-04:00

We saw some leaves that are at the very beginning of their color change today. Philip is excited about the impending arrival of fall. It is our favorite season. He is better. We are STILL taking it easy and keeping him from playing rough or attending gymnastics with his little brother's. Doctor's orders. Nobody else got sick.

I'm officially addicted to X Files. I've been watching it from the beginning on streaming video. I'm also re-reading Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean M. Auel. I'm only in the first chapter and already I see why I loved it when I read it as a child. Good thing my guys are so self sufficient, or you might think they're getting neglected with all this stuff I'm doing that doesn't include them. They are not. I'm still schooling, reading, and play-wrestling with them. And cooking, chauffeuring, etc., etc. Maybe that's why I hate going to bed and am still awake at 10 after 3 in the morning.

Ed was a pall bearer for his grandfather's funeral. It was hard for him, though he was proud to do it. The kids and I visited his parents last weekend, and got to spend time with his Aunt Cathy, who came down from Ohio for a few days. Ed got stuck having to work on his days off in order to help prepare the store for a review. :( Nee-Nee took us on a little field trip to an Air Traffic Control Tower. We got to watch the radar screen of two planes coming in to land, coming from different directions. The littler kids were more interested in pushing the easy button on the table, again and again, go figure. ;) It was a good visit, for the most part, though everyone was a bit burned out from having just come back into town from the funeral, etc. We stopped in for Playgroup in Columbia on the way back home. It was just wonderful to see the kids playing with friends as if all this time, not a day had gone by w/out seeing them. Every time we make the trip, I am reminded that not only do we miss our friends, but they miss us too. It is always hard to leave them again, but so very worth the joy in seeing them, and being near them again.

Exciting news: I'm auditioning for a play this weekend! In between watching X Files and reading Clan of the Cave Bear, I spent about an hour compiling all the shows I did in college, what roles I played, etc. Kind of weird to go be going in with a resume that doesn't list anything for the past 12-1/2 years, hehe! Between now and the audition, I have to learn how to carry a tune long enough to sing 16 bars of a patriotic song. The role requires "strong comedic timing." FYI: As long as the joke is not on me, I have very strong comedic timing. Cross your fingers and hope I get called back. I can't remember the last time I was this nervous and excited. Yes I can. It was when I took my last pregnancy test. :) If I can be the Mom I am on a daily basis, I can definitely be whatever part they need me to be on a stage! Thank you to Ruth who sent the information that lead me to this particular audition.

We're meeting up with friends here tomorrow to see Star Wars Clone Wars. The boys are very excited!

Hoping all is well with you and yours....

Prayers Please

2008-08-03T10:45:00.003-04:00

My husband's Grandfather passed away early this morning. He had just been transported from one care facility to another, with the medical staff sure that he was in full recovery after having a stroke last week. This was his paternal Grandfather. If you could please keep all of his family in your thoughts and prayers, we would really appreciate it. His parents are travelling this evening to Ohio and Ed will follow as soon as he can arrange things at work.

Visit to Emergency Room

2008-07-30T00:33:00.003-04:00

Hey ya'll. Sorry about that last little vent, hehe. Things are still yicky here. Philip seemed to have recovered from Mono for about 5 days, then seemed to relapse, except this time with a non stop cough. It has been a rough few days. On the advice of a friend, we called our family doctor and ended up heading over to the local emergency room with the belief he may have pneumonia. Tests confirmed our suspicions. As much as I would love to feel confident enough to go all natural, I am just not experienced enough in health care --naturopathy, homeopathy, herbal, none of it---though we have tried each approach at different times in the kids' lives. I know how it might sound to those of you that are on natural paths that don't include allopathic, but my husband and I still "need" the advice of a medical doctor when dealing with illness's we are unfamiliar with. Give me a cold, a teething baby, a pregnant belly, anything I've experienced before and handled well, and I can handle it with natural remedies and chiropractic care. Give me a child that is coughing to the point of vomiting and has already been weak and sick for 5 weeks, and I'm throwing my ideals out the window and heading to the MD. So, Philip has been diagnosed with pneumonia. When the doctor first looked over the x-rays with me, he said they looked normal and we were just going to treat Philip for asthmatic bronchitis. He was actually very easy to talk with, explained all the remedies and why he was prescribing each one. ----A steroid for the cough, along with an albuterol inhaler, and antibiotics. I did question the antibiotics and the doctor explained that while Philip is on the steroids, his immune system will be weak. HA! Just what we need. He thinks the coughing is a separate issue from the previous diagnosis of Mono. So, I go back into the room they had us in and explain everything to Philip. Then the doctor comes back in, takes me aside again, and says "this is why we have radiologists to read x-rays." He shows me a small part in the lower left lung that they are now calling pneumonia. It's the same treatment as before, except the doctor knows I will feel better about giving P the antibiotics now that I know it's actually pneumonia.
And something I found quite amusing: We don't immunize. I forgot I'd be questioned about whether we are up to date on all the shots, etc. Philip had been sitting in the chair practically begging for a bed since we'd been got called back to intake. I answered honestly that we stopped all shots with Philip at the age of 4. The intake lady picked up a phone, handed Philip a mask and asked him to immediately put it on, and suddenly we were in a room with a TV and a remote, all to ourselves for the record shortest visit to the E.R. ever! One more reason not to vaccinate!
My sweet son is having a very rough time with the terrible taste of the steroid and with the medications in general. He is too much like his Mama and would much rather handle things non-medically. He has never jumped to take the yummy flavored cough syrups or even our all-natural syrups. Please keep my boy in your thoughts and prayers. And Tyler too, as we go tomorrow for his food allergy testing. Phew, what a few weeks!! On the upside, I have recently been introduced to X-Files and am enjoying the series starting with the first season. I also got to see the new movie.
G'night.

Mom! Come Wipe My Butt!!!

2008-07-22T15:42:00.003-04:00

That's how I got to be done with Yoga today! Hehe. For anyone who thinks Yoga is not real exercise, haha! Ha! is all I can say to you! Especially for someone significantly overweight. Which is a theme that has come up occasionally on this blog, and I am working on it on and off. I've decided diets are not for me. I just need to eat healthier in general. I'm thinking off and on of trying a raw food "diet," as in lifestyle changes in eating, to see how that works. My issue is, I never stick to anything once I start! I remember taking a Yoga class at a gym for a few months and completely and totally enjoying it. So much so, that once when one of my kids conked his head into a corner in the lobby of a Tae Kwon Do gym, I went ahead on to Yoga, assuring my husband that said child was just fine. I came out of Yoga and went to meet them at the E.R where that same child was having staples put into his head! I've really done an about face to appreciate being called out of my Yoga session to wipe a child's hiney! Haha! Baby steps, baby steps. I was able to comfortably (meaning i didn't fall down or pull a muscle!) complete 20 minutes of the video yesterday and 27 minutes today. I'm getting there!
Lately I find myself incredibly pissed off at so many things. I'm in the mood to write offensive things and not care who I piss off or upset. It's nothing personal, I'm just angry. I had a great, very healing, therapy session a week or so ago and I felt like I would be pretty good for at least a month. Now I'm walking around pissed at the world! I thought for a while about creating a personal and private blog for writing out angry stuff. Then I decided that would be kind of deceitful....I don't want people who read this blog to think this is all there is of me, when I'm hiding all the ugly. So, I'm going to go ahead and tell you what makes me so upset.

1. Intolerance. I can NOT stand it when people disrespect other's simply for not making the same choices they do. I am a very natural minded person, in general. Specifically, it gets hard to live that way on a daily basis, and it's easier to just eat chick-fil-a food or throw my water bottle in the garbage when we're out, instead of bringing it home to recycle it. Different strokes for different folks, is how I look at it. If YOU want to take your water bottle to the nearest recycling place you go right ahead. Your choice. But why do you insist on judging me for not doing the same? And for anyone that knows me, we're not really talking about water bottle recycling here. We're talking about birth choices, circumcision, breastfeeding and natural medicine. And I'll be the first to admit, I am MOST passionate about trying to influence others to see things "my way" or to "do the research," etc., etc. But in the end, really people, everyone has to make their own choices. I used to say that as lip service, and now I am really trying to live it. I know it's hard, but I wish the rest of the world would work on it too. Cause is it really the end of everything good if we make different choices? Is one more artificially fed baby going to change the universe as we know it? Sometimes I believe it might! Sometimes I want so badly for everyone to just KNOW that breastfeeding and gentle birthing are what is natural and best for all humans, that anything else is actually detrimental to the health of the world, and I wish we lived in a world that could enforce both of those things. But where would it end? (thanks for that eye-opener Lynn!) So, in the end, essentially and inevitable, we actually do all have to decide for our own family's what is best for us. And at the very same time, I am SO incredibly TIRED of hearing about how much better it is if we treat our health all naturally, etc., etc. Again, I used to say as simple lip service "there is a place for western medicine." I didn't believe it. Now I do. There are times and circumstances we need to aim to be all natural. Other times, you just need to know when it's time to call the doctor. So, intolerance. I'm tired of it. You live your way, I'll live mine and if we can learn a little from each other along the way, that'd be great. I homeschool, you public school, you go to the ends of the earth to make sure recycling is done, I'll do it when it suits me. But let's try not to start a war in the mean time OK?

2. Acting like an arrogant ass because you think you know more than anyone else about a subject. Why? Why do you do that? You may know a little more than some, a little less than others, but you don't know more than everyone. You may know some key information that the rest of us don't, but just because you are a doctor, a midwife, a specialist in your area of interest, this does not make you THE BOMB! And it certainly doesn't make you an expert in areas outside of your area of expertise!! So, please know when to shut up!! If you really do know more than anyone else, then shut up and be humble about it and use your knowledge to help those that need it, not to criticize those that don't.

3. People Who Try to Parent My kids When I'm Around. STOP. IT. NOW. It takes a village when I'm not around, but if I AM around, DO NOT ATTEMPT to discipline, correct, handle, or shame my children. That's MY job, and occasionally my husband's, and even less occasionally, their grandparents. I don't like sharing the job with anyone, least of all arrogant, intolerant, know it alls who think they know what's best for my child just because they've raised some already. Even worse: those that haven't done any raising and think they can be helpful. Shut Up. Do not tell my child how to behave, do not tell him to stop crying, do not tell him he's a good boy. My children will tell you themselves, they are not dogs. You say good boy to a dog, not to a child. All children are good. Anyone want to babysit? I could really use a break. Heheeh!

4. When People Joke about Serious Stuff. Child abuse, in any form, is not something to joke about, no matter where you are, no matter who you are, no matter what your history. You never know who in the room you might be seriously upsetting. And if you don't care, then that's another thing you need to work on!!!

5. Whining and complaining about your situation yet refusing to do anything to make it better.

So, I'm making mine better. With Yoga, better eating, a date night coming up (i hope!) and in general staying out of the way of intolerant, arrogant know it alls.

Thanks for reading the vent. And if you see yourself in any of the above, please don't wait for me to tell you to your face that you need to work on it. Just start working on it, OK? Cause I'm really tired of it. And I'm also tired of being cooped up in a house with a kid who is recovering from Mono and having all of our friends afraid to hang out with us because he *may* be contagious. Speaking of Philip, he is much better btw, thank you for your thoughts and prayers and comments. He is still tired, but much better.

Am I Dreaming?

2008-07-13T13:27:00.002-04:00

Philip is in my room reading Captain Underpants -( Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia), Tyler is in another room listening to J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan, narrated by our all time favorite, Jim Dale. (the only voice I'll ever drool over, i swear!) And Evan is downstairs watching Star Wars Clone Wars. The key to my question of am I dreaming this, is that they all came to where they are of their own accord. I didn't force the book on Philip, the c.d. on Tyler or the movie on Evan. They just all 3 simultaneously decided the would each go their own ways and do their own things. And for just this moment, life is pretty damn good. ;) This is such a rare occurrence, I am just overwhelmed. LOL.
So, life has been slow here. We have been labeling cups every morning, making sure nobody shares anyone elses. Washing sheets, and dishes more than once. And visiting the Chiropractor. And reading LOTS. And also watching lots of movies. Wait, did I say slow? Hehe. I meant to say it's been different. Usually we are in a rush to get from point A to point B, and so on. These days I only rush to make sure no cups are being used by anyone other than the original user and that Philip is not being jumped on by his raucous siblings. (images of ruptured spleens get me moving quite fast!) Ahhh, and here is the normal bickering I'm used to hearing. I think the reading time is over. Now there are whining complaints about who put whose light sabre where, and if we're allowed to choose our own characters in our star wars play, or do we have to be who someone else says we have to be. Ugh. A funny thing I wanted to share. My kitchen table is an utter mess, but it's not one I'm cleaning up any time soon. There are remnants of our Patriotic Symbols lap-book, 3 artists kits, scissors, and a bunch of books about the Revolutionary War. It actually appears that there are some people learning in this house. And the crazy part is, they ARE! Philip is so interested in the War, that when I kept getting interrupted from reading to him the other day, he finished reading a Magic Tree House book on his own, though he would swear to you that he's too big for those books now and no longer interested, LOL. Oh, by the way, he is feeling MUCH better. He got out of bed on Thursday morning, got dressed, and has been improving since then. He is still coughing and tired, but he's also tattling on his little brothers and normal things like that again. Thank goodness, because I was really very worried for a bit there. Tyler is still coughing, but no fever and no other sings. Evan has some incredibly chapped lips, but besides that, he's good also.
As for me, I have been trying to avoid some childhood *stuff* that has recently been confirmed. You know how you remember things and sometimes you have a totally different perspective from anyone else that was there? Well, in the last year, I have uncovered some *stuff* during my hypnotherapy sessions. And it's been as good as confirmed as it will ever be, by someone else in my family having some memories that validate my own. It was nicer when I could imagine that the hypnotherapy is bogus bologna and of course what I remember there may not be accurate. Ha!! Oh it's accurate, and it's some serious *stuff*. So, between the memories being confirmed and my appointment with my beloved therapist whom I haven't seen since before the move, I decided to bury myself in ghost/horror/movies/books. (don't worry, i am going tomorrow, so not much longer!) I am in the middle of reading Stephen King's IT and on Wednesday I got to go to a Horror Movie Slumber Party at my friend Lynn's house. Pretty funny, a bunch of us are on a "natural minded parenting" list serve, and some of them are on a raw food detox, so we all get together and ate raw chocolate pudding (yum!!!) and enjoyed (or tried to enjoy over some overly-talkative attendees, hehe) watching Blair Witch Trials, and Rob Zombie's House of a Thousand Corpses. I can't even tell you what happened in the first one cause of the talking, but the second one I'll tell you not to ever see. It was really gross. And not so much scary as just plain gross and making me wonder who could have thought this stuff up?? I have decided in the past few weeks that what really gets me are ghost stories, especially if they are "based on actual events." I've been watching Ghost Hunters and getting myself some grand adrenaline rushes while running from my bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night, haha! Tonight I drive to Columbia for my my appointment in the morning. Neat how it just coincidentally happens to be the night of a BlessingWay of a dear friend. I'm off to the bead store to pick the perfect bead for her now. That's if I can tear the kids away from playing Star Wars for a few minutes. Hoping all is well with you and yours lovely readers!

Remember Mono?

2008-07-07T07:15:00.004-04:00

I do. I remember in middle school, each year we'd end up sending cards home to sick kids who were missing a quarter of the year. I remember being told about the neck pain and how contagious the virus was, which is why you had to miss so much school. Well, I'm sure glad it's summer time and I'm also glad, once again, that we're homeschooling. Just in case. Just in case Philip isn't better by September. :( You may recall in my last entry, I was trying not to worry about Philip and what appeared to be a virus. With neck pain. Why do I always try not to worry, when my basic instincts say to worry? I get so frustrated with myself for not listening to me!!! On Saturday, after 9 days of wondering if he was perhaps having a major hormonal change, and wondering where my very darling son had disappeared to, I decided I had had enough of Philip lying around. I just went off on him, explaining that he had to DO something, he couldn't just lay around all day and night. My people-pleasing boy explained that he really tried to play with his brothers, and he was really trying hard to be respectful, but he was too tired. I have never heard him be quite THAT respectful before. I guess part of my frustration was that somewhere inside of me, I knew he was really sick. I'm just so used to it being "just a virus," you know? So, after I had a very bad parenting moment on Saturday, (the one that ended with Philip's very adult-like explanation of how hard he was trying to be respectful and how badly he was failing due to how exhausted he was) I decided it was finally time to take the kid to the Urgent Care Center. As soon as we got in the car he became chipper and talkative. We joked around all the way to the center. A small part of me wondered if all he needed wasn't just a break from his brothers. The bigger parts insisted we follow through with the plan. We stopped at Chick-Fil-A where, for the first time in DAYS, Philip finished an entire meal. The small part of me wondered again if we were wasting time going to Urgent Care, but the bigger part insisted again that we follow through. The center was beautiful. It was like a hotel. We decided that if the storm coming through was bad enough, we'd just stay there for the night. ;) It really did look like a hotel lobby. With a big flat screen TV. And hardwood floors. And really nice, hotel-ish furniture. The nurse that took us in is a homeschooling Mom of high school seniors. The outing was actually the nicest Philip and I have been on in a while, alone. Kind of like a date. Ed, wonderful man that he truly is, came home from work and took care of the littles during this time. It was a very stressful date though, as he was poked and prodded and tested. And since he is a very slow bleeder, has been since birth, he had to have TWO fingers poked instead of just one. And this being done after he very strongly insisted that Miss. Lisa would NOT be poking him again. I am not so good in moments like that. I am really proud of myself for bucking up and sticking to my guns, insisting that Miss. Lisa do what she needed to get the blood to test it for mono. Especially proud since it was the one test that came back positive. :( He was also tested for strep, and his lungs were x-rayed for pneumonia. I think it is the first Urgent Care visit I've ever been on where they actually listened to me, and did tests based on my child's actual symptoms. And I'm also especially guilt-ridden for being so tough on my sweet boy and not listening to my instincts,which said I should've taken him in to be tested for mono many days earlier. The main reason I didn't is because after the first couple days, the fever went away. I'm so glad I took him when I did though, because it's been back for a couple days now. :( Don't worry about that boy though, he is being well taken care of, as I am assuaging my guilt with tons of cuddling and coddling to his sickly needs. We're also a little germophobic right now, so my house is cleaner than it's been in a while. Names are written on plastic cups in permanent marker, new tooth brushes have been bought and marked with names also. My husband has double washed the dishes, once in bleach, on hot, two loads now. Same with the sheets from Philly's bed. And just in case you weren't aware, there is no treatment for mono. It is a virus that just has to run it's course. Which can be anywhere from 5 days to a few months. And remember Tyler was running a fever on and off too? And coughing. The Urgent Care doc said it's safe to assume he's got it too, and that Evan will too. And since Ed and I never had it as kids, well you get the picture. So, if you'll keep us in your thoughts and prayes and send out some healing vibes, we'd all really appreciate it. Especially Philip, since he has also had to deal with a nagging Mother who was trying to avoid him being sick by staying in denial. Ugh.

The Colorfully Long Entry ;)

2008-06-30T21:07:00.005-04:00

Tyler Jones:
Tyler really loves Harrison Ford, or as he calls him, Han Solo. So, when he saw the previews for the new Indiana Jones movie, he was going nuts. He also really loves photography and taking photos when we are on field trips. So, it wasn't surprising when he decided he needed me to film him and Evan making a new movie called "Tyler Jones." ;) They used jump ropes as their whips, dressed up in cowboy costumes in lieu of "real" Indiana Jones costumes, and practiced for the filming. My guy is QUITE the little director. When he realized that all his direction was caught on film, he was a bit upset and wondered how he could get it out. So, up we came to the computer where he got his one and only lesson on the editing software we have. And that was all she wrote. That kid was up here for hours every day, cutting and splicing and putting scenes together. He LOVED it. And I am so impressed, I can finally brag about having one of those really cool, smart kids that does stuff above and beyond his age level. I always read about other homeschooling parents whose kids are above average and now I have one. Thanks Tyler! Hehe. Not that I have the first thing to do with his talent or interest, but it still makes me gleeful with pride. LOL His next endeavor: Tyler Potter.

Sensory Processing Disorder:
As far as dealing with Tyler and his sensory issues, I am on top of things these days. We are back to being food nazi's and avoiding all sugars and dyes, to the best of our ability. We had our yearly check ups last week with a new ORGANIC doctor, a little bit up the road from us. Everyone is healthy and the doctor is going to do a blood test on Tyler to check him for over 200 food allergens! And this is covered by our insurance, woohoo! I didn't know you could check allergies in the blood, and what I really had no clue about, is that there is a blood test to check on how the neurotransmitters are functioning. Can you believe it?? I was mentioning that we are dealing with sensory issues and from what I have gathered, it is a neurotransmitter problem in the brain. Well, right away the doctor starts asking about whether my insurance covers lab work, etc. and explaining how there is a test for this. I am going to do a bit more research, but our next appointment is on the 8Th and I am ready to see the results now! It would be great to avoid all the evaluations and other things that I can help but think of as "tests" that Tyler and I both have to pass or fail. If something comes back off, we can go right into the right occupational therapies for it, or remove the foods that are the triggers right away. This definitely is easier than hours of developmental tests and an elimination diet! Or at least, I hope it will be easier. Cross your fingers and send up good thoughts that Tyler will do well with the needle in his arm long enough for them to draw enough blood to do the tests. At last years doctor visit, he almost passed out after the finger prick for his iron test. Which we didn't do this year because our new doctor doesn't believe in testing for things unless something is wrong. AAAHHH, what a breath of fresh air.

Speaking of Air:
Ours hasn't been working for over a week. We are under a 1 year warranty with the company that installed the unit, and good thing too! They have been out here once a month, at least, since April. Each time they are adjusting the level of coolant and hosing down the compressor. I am finally at the point that I believe we just need to get the whole thing replaced, and of course they are waiting till my home is as hot has hell to do that. Which it was close to this week, with the vents blowing out 85 degree air!!! Needless to say, we've been crabby in this house. This evening is the first time it's been blowing out actually cold air for probably a couple of weeks. We just checked it with the laser Ed borrowed from a guy at work, and it is finally coming out at 65! Yay!

Muscle Aches and Fevers:
To top it off, Philip has been fighting a virus, that got sort of confusing because it was coupled with neck pain due to the way he is sitting to watch t.v. at home and on the road. I was pretty worried at one point, 2 days AFTER the very healthy and normal doctor's visit, so ended up calling our insurance nurse line. Crazy people don't have a protocol list of questions for pediatric problems, so she went down her list and ended up suggesting that my son might have hypothyroidism. Said we needed to get to an urgent care center right away. ROFL! I kindly thanked her and hung up and called my doctor's office, which was closed. I didn't want to talk to an on-call doctor, which is why I called the nurse line. Ends up, he was on call for himself and recommended simply giving Philip some Motrin and letting him rest. He's really still not himself, so my mission tomorrow will be to find yet another Chiropractor, since the last one didn't work out for us. Last night Tyler had a slight fever and we're dealing with that using homeopathics. I'm giving both of them arnica rubdowns, since they are both complaining of neck pain now. I do wonder what this could be, but since they are still playing normally in between complaints, I am trying not to let myself get too worked up.

The Garden and Evan:
Our sunflowers are taller than I've ever seen. My tomato bush is giving us wonderfully juicy tomatoes, perfect for chicken salad sandwiches or sprinkled with balsamic vinegar by themselves. The lettuce is flowering, hehe. I guess I am not quite the salad girl I thought I was. The strawberries are not giving much at all, but I've heard that can take a couple of years. The basil is petering out, which is no good since Philip and I have gotten really spoiled with tomato basil pesto on our pasta on a weekly basis! I took the dog outside today to hang out with the neighbor who was mulching his garden all day. He ended up jokingly asking the boys to help him rake his mulch and Evan happily obliged and raked with him for about 15 minutes before the mosquito's forced him to come back inside. It was really sweet, but I wasn't quick enough to get my camera out.

The Old Exchange and Provost Dungeon:
Another great field trip we made it to on Friday! Coincidentally, (honestly!) Philip and I had just finished reading about the Boston Tea Party and that boy was obviously impressed with himself for remembering his studies during the tour. And of course, his teacher was impressed as well. ;) Tyler enjoyed finding little stuffed mice and photographing them. I'll get pictures up later. Evan's favorite part was decorating a wooden, spinning top, as this was what the kids of that day and time sometimes played with. I would've liked to have spent more time perusing the whole place, reading the framed historical documents, etc., but this was one of the days Philip wasn't feeling his best, so we headed home. We intend to go back though, as it was a hit with all 3 of the boys.

The Olympics and The 4TH:
In this house, the Olympics, Summer and Winter, are a big deal. Philip and I are gearing up by watching Beijing on Demand on our cable network. We missed the gymnastics trials, and perhaps other trials, but we were able to catch some of the track and field and swimming last night. We are excited and ready to cheer on the U.S. teams! We have plans to spend the evening with friends at a party close to our house for the 4TH. Neighbors have already started shooting off fireworks in preparation for the big day. I can't help but wonder if they know as much about our freedom and how it was won as I recently have been made aware of, in my studies with Philip and Tyler. I think it is quite an amazing thing, and we've lost sight of it recently, especially our leaders and government. I do hope change is coming!

I hope you have enjoyed this colorful installment, long as it was, and just so you know, it was not caffeine induced. Our new doctor has recommended I go off of caffeine, including chocolate, along with getting my cholesterol re-checked now that I am not nursing anymore. I told him that just wasn't possible, at least not the chocolate part, but I would try to eliminate the rest. We'll see....

Picture Blog

2008-06-29T00:53:00.008-04:00

He looked so peaceful just before the flash...ha!

Just before a shopping trip @ Costco

Tyler pushing Philip on a tree swing.

Me and Tyler goofing around on a field trip.

Tyler Jones

All's well. I'll update more soon.

My Child Feels Things "More"

2008-06-17T00:22:00.004-04:00

I just haven't felt like making the time to come upstairs and blog. We've been pretty busy. We went out of town last weekend, came home and went to the beach two days in a row, laid low for a bit, and then got social again. Philip had a sleepover with a new friend and I, to compensate for allowing his big brother to go on a sleepover w/out him, for goodness' sake!, took Tyler (and Evan) to see the new Indiana Jones movie. Suffice it to say, Tyler can't stop quoting me as we were driving away from the theatre: "Mom why did you say 'man that was freaky, I'm gonna have to write to George Lucas about the ending on that one!'?" LOL. I said that cause it was such a freaky ending! We've seen 3 movies in the theatre in the last month and a few more at home. I'm really getting into it, but as usual, once you get excited about going to the movies, they start becoming duds! Prince Caspian was awesome, Kung Fu Panda was perfect, and Indiana Jones and the Search for the Crystal Skull was weird, but humorous. At home, we've watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and the first installment of Planet Earth. And I, by myself, watched Paycheck. I think I watched another one while sweeping and mopping the very excessive mess of dog hair that Allie has been shedding like crazy lately, but can't remember which movie it was. Something I'd seen before I'm sure. In between seeing movies, and after the sleepover, we, and I include my husband in this, went to a pot-luck get together at a friends house, here in town. This is the second time the boys and I have been over there for such an event, and it's very nice! The family has a home-made (read:husband-made) jungle gym that all the kids really enjoy, a fire pit for making S'mores, and we get along well with the other families that were invited. All in all, I think we are finally beginning to mesh with some people here and things are good. (yes, Lynn, I know we were already meshing, and i love ya muchas, but you're MOVING, so I have to get to know other people now, LOL). We went to the beach again today, where we all (except the very conscientious husband of mine!) got sun burned. We did reapply, I promise, but I do believe we were using OLD sunscreen. I've heard you can get a burn worse with old sunscreen than with none at all, and my body can vouch for that! My kids were laughing, not understanding the pain, because I am literally red and white right now.

I can't remember if I've talked about this on my Blog before, but if you lovely readers could keep us in your thoughts and send us some positive vibes, I am having a hard time gathering up my resources and keeping my wits about me while parenting my middle child lately. I have known there are problems, and yet refused to seek help outside of the normal friend to friend support, and now I have hit a rut. I believe Tyler is suffering from Sensory Processing Dysfunction, particularly Sensory Modulation Disorder. This is a neurotransmitter problem, and on the Autism spectrum. Tyler is far from Autistic, but this issue, and lots of help for it, happens to be hugely found in Autistic children and in books about how to help them. I have a HUGE stigma relating to mental illness, and I am already being treated for depression and having a hard time, feeling as if I have somehow failed myself and now my child. Logically, I KNOW this isn't the case, but it is how I feel. Currently, I am talking with supportive friends, reading lots of recommended books (some for the second time) and remembering to keep my cool and to be "a soft place for him to land" when things get out of control. We are scheduled for our yearly physicals in a couple weeks, at which time I will ask the very natural-minded family practitioner what his recommendations are and try to get referred to someone who can determine if Tyler needs to be officially evaluated. The more I read, the more I see that most of what we do on a daily basis (letting him jump on and off of beds, wrestling with his brothers, carrying the groceries in, giving him specific tasks to focus on, etc., etc.) is already helping him to cope with his issues, but it would certainly be useful to have someone outside looking in tell me what more I can do for/with him. His triggers seem to have multiplied and changed over the last few months, so that it seemed he had "outgrown" a lot of the sensory problems, and now it's like they've doubled over night! It is ridiculously hard to predict what might upset him and to what degree and when! Some days, dog hair on his clothes can throw him over the edge of hysteria, while other days I can hand him the lint roller and off he goes to whatever else he had planned. That is just ONE of the many things that we deal with on a daily basis. I just recently decided to admit that I have chosen a hard task in homeschooling these three boys, and now I am willing to admit that it is all the harder with a child with sensory issues. Please don't believe that I am slipping into a victim role here, I just needed to let you know what we are dealing with so you can keep us in your thoughts and send on whatever suggestions/advice you might have. I know some of you deal with similar issues. Thanks for reading! 'Night!

I've Been Tagged

2008-06-09T01:03:00.003-04:00

10 Things About Me

1. I intend to train to be a Childbirth Instructor and a Doula in the near future.

2. Scrapbooking is something I truly enjoy.

3. When I go out alone, I think about whether people I transact with are interacting with me the same as they would if I had my children with me. If they even think at all about me, do they tag me as a Mother, or a single person, or what? I just wonder.

4. I played (and completely enjoyed it!) in the Funhouse at Frankie's Fun Park with my littler kids this weekend!

5. Changes in plans are very hard for me to adjust to, even if I am the one to change the plans.

6. I am striving to be for myself, and my boys, the Mother I never had.

7. I used to want to be a heart surgeon. In 6th grade, a presentation was given to my class about cholesterol and what it does to heart. We were allowed to see & touch a healthy and an unhealthy human heart.

8. Cooking is something I rarely do, but very much like to do, when I havea recipe, the right ingredients, and have planned for it.

9. I haven't been to the beach in probably 2 weeks. :(

10. I am working on overcoming a lifelong fear of becoming friends with: very old people, terminally ill people, and people that I know will be moving away shortly.

If you read this, Tag! You're it!

Baby Alligators (not my kids, really!)

2008-06-05T01:19:00.004-04:00

This week has been just really nice. :) I have learned (for the upteenth time!) that if I get up before the kids do, the day is much smoother. I have those few minutes to myself, and they have me with them for waking up. Tyler has been having a rough time lately, and having me awake in the mornings with him has had quite a positive impact. He is more interested in playing games with me, Philip ends up getting a break from having to be the only playmate, and I am enjoying the time spent with him. Evan has been a little hard to handle lately, but I think that is just the fact that he's about to have a birthday. I notice that whenever my kids get about 1-3 months out from their birthdays, they tend to feel things more intensely and have more reactionary moments. I told him his birth story last night, for what I think was the first time. I usually tell each kid their birth story on the birth day. Last night though, Tyler went to find some books and Evan and I were cuddled up in bed waiting for him to return. We were so content and I decided I would tell him a story. He smiled so big and bright the whole time. Then, he cracked up completely when I explained that we didn't know if he was a boy or a girl 'till we checked and saw! He has been very cuddly and gentler with me since this story last night. He is quite a wrestler and very rough and tumble with his brothers and me, and it is taking all my energy to remind him constantly to be gentle with bodies. It's working though, it is.

So, since we've been getting up all together, we're getting more playtime in and we are enjoying Clue Jr. and a few card games. Philip is memorizing his multiplication tables and we're working together on a lapbook for the history he's studied this year. Tyler has been pretty interested in learning about "war," ever since our trip to the bicycle store. We happened to go to the store on Memorial Day, and of course it was closed. Tyler couldn't understand why, (it was his bike that needed some work) so I explained as much as I could and all he has wanted since then is more information on "the war we're in NOW Mom!" He and Philip are both so curious as to why anyone would fight over such things as choice of religion or who has rights to land and/or oil. I think they are mini-hippies because, and this is especially true for Philip, what they like to say is this: "I think everyone should just give everything they have away for free if anyone else needs it." They've got my mind spinning, trying to figure out if that could EVER even work, and if it ever did. I've talked to them a little about bartering and they are ALL FOR that. I have been bartering my knitting and crochet work for things I'd like from other Work at Home Moms (WAHM's) and the boys are very excited to hear about that. At the same time though, that all-American greed has really kicked in and anything they don't use anymore, is officially "for sale." And they don't play around with prices either, LOL! I've learned, through all the war conversations, that my kids don't have a clue about what it is they have here in the US, the freedom they do have that is so precious to us and so rare elsewhere. They also don't have a clue how fortunate they are to have the luxuries we enjoy. I'm trying not to blame myself for this, as I know the reason I haven't tried to show them the lesser advantaged side of things is that, I believe, they will feel brokenhearted and responsible for the conditions those people are living in, here in the US and outside of it. I'm not so good at balance in any area, so I'm working hard on trying to find how they can learn these things in a happy-medium sort of way. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I have learned they don't allow children as young as mine to work in local soup kitchens. I think I might be on the lookout for any age-appropriate documentaries that could showcase conditions in countries less fortunate than ours as far as politics and poverty go. (and/or age appropriate materials on poverty w/in our country!) This whole situation is also motivating me to go ahead and get started on US History. I was hoping to work up to it gradually, as we have started out with Our Island Story. Looks like we'll be swapping out the plan or studying both for a while! Especially since this is a presidential election year and the biggers are able to understand a lot of it now!

My Wednesday Homeschool park day has picked back up! Gymnastics has changed to Thursdays for the summer, due to one of the coaches college schedule's. It was awesome today to be around a whole group of Mama's and kids again, and even Philip found someone his age to hang with. Woohoo! We were also part of a pot-luck get together the other evening and had a great time hanging out around a fire-pit, and even ended the night getting to hear some of the dads/husbands play guitars for a bit. And to top it all off, I got a night out with another Mom tonight! And we ended the night getting to see baby alligators in a pond behind the restaurant where we ate! I was a bit jumpy, wondering where the Mama Alligator might be, but Lynn assured me that the babes were nothing to fear and the Mama had most likely been "relocated." Uh-huh. Didn't stop me from grabbing her arm a couple times and eventually insisting we head back towards the vehicles, LOL!

Oops, I Did it Again

2008-05-21T01:47:00.005-04:00

I truly don't know the name of the person that sings that song. I see the tabloids, I know a teeny tiny bit about what's going on in the entertainment world. I try to stay out of it as much as I can. Not that I have to try hard, what with the long list of everything else that needs my attention on an hourly basis. What I'm talking about doing, there is probably not a song about. Or maybe there is, but it's most likely not well known. I know I've never heard of it. And no, my dear friends who know me so well, I haven't offended yet another person by being too blunt and rude, LOL. Anyone ever heard of I-drank-too-much-coffee-and-now-I'm-up-all-night, oh i drank too much coffee and I'll never sleep again? Round 2, OK, just kidding, I won't keep going. See, I recently became the luckiest homeschooling woman alive. Now, this does have a price, mind you! It takes a lot of driving, and a little over a hundred bucks a month, (not including gas money) but I get exactly 4 hours completely to myself, total per week. Not bedtime either! What, do you think I actually stick to a bedtime routine and get time alone at night? Haha! Why would I post to my blog at almost 2 a.m. if I got time alone at a time before then??? No, this is time I get during the day. Haha, and you thought only families who sent their kids away to school got that. Hehe! It may take a good 9 years, 8 of which were spent having one or another or two children attached at the nipple, if not that, then the hip. And/or one in the womb at the same time. It may take countless nights of not sleeping because one kid is on your chest and another is trying to sleep on your head. And one is kicking from the inside. (and don't you think i didn't love most of every minute of those times!) You may even (or perhaps not, maybe I'm the only nutty one) have temporary thoughts (fantasies!) of leaving your family forever, while you run off to Puerto Rico or some other such far away land with dark bodies (that want absolutely nothing to do with your own body!) and a beautiful ocean. But then you stay, blindly believing that one day they will not be interested in your nipples anymore, and one day you won't wake up in a bed full of boys (or whatever brand of child you got blessed with) wearing pull ups that don't hold all their out-put. You blindly believe that one day, they will venture off your nipple and off your hip and out away from you, w/out even looking back. And you may also fully doubt that it will ever actually happen, but you must keep hoping that it will, else you would (or maybe you wouldn't, but I have thought about it!) have to put your children up for adoption or some other such (or worse!) drastic measure, in order to get a break to breathe!!! And THEN, you have to move 2 hours away from the closest babysitters and friends who exchange kids with you for appointments and grocery shopping. ACCCK!!!! It's OK, breathe. There's a good ending here. Thank God, huh? Phew! I drank a cup of coffee today. Because. I. Could. I don't make coffee at home. You don't want to know why, so I won't tell you. I only drink it when I'm "on a break." You know when you work outside the home, you get all kinds of breaks?! You get lunch breaks, smoke breaks and pee breaks. I remember! Sometimes you even take the I'm-just-gonna-sit-here-and-do-nothing-breaks. You get Oh-I-can-leave-a-couple-minutes-early-breaks. AND you get I-can-go-in-a-couple-minutes-late breaks. See, I don't get that. I work at home. And it's not just a funny thing I say because I am self-righteous and want to be treated with respect by the working women I know. I WORK at home. I am constantly making spur of the moment or well thought out in advance judgement calls that will affect the long term outcome of 3 small citizens of this world. I also wipe 2 of their butts at least once a day, guide them through the social things they must learn to get by in this world in a socially acceptable way, and I point out EVERY-SINGLE-THING I see that I want them to notice and be interested in. I guide and limit their screen time, play time, sugar-intake, etc. I ask for and expect their respect, and I believe I treat them respectfully. And I don't do it only in the mornings before work/school or in the evenings after work/school, or on the weekends. I don't do it on top of working a 15-20-40-60 hour work week (with breaks, mind you!) I don't do it single handedly, but I do this and only this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And can you believe I don't smoke??? And I have never called in sick. Good grief, I've tried, but it's never worked, not once!!! LOL! Take note here, I am SO not complaining. Just giving you a complete job description that I am finally willing to take credit for. See, people will often comment on the fact that I have three BOYS, as opposed to any other combination of children. And I say, I wouldn't change a thing, I have fun with them! And I do. People often say, WOW, you homeschool? All 3 of them?? That must be so hard!! And I explain that, to me it would be harder to put them in school. And it would be. I tried it for a year. I am enjoying having them home with me and they are enjoying having each other as companions, for the most part. Now, where did all this come from? Lemme explain Ricky! My husband took my children for the ENTIRE day on Sunday. And left me at home with a stick shift of a demo car, which really means, he left me stranded. From about 11:am to 9pm. I thought about biking somewhere, but I'm at least 2 miles from anywhere I'd even want to go and it was a hot day and I didn't feel well. That's just about 2 hours longer than a school day, right? And I slept for the first 2 hours since I was feeling pretty crappy. So, I had 8 hours of awake time. And you know what? I want to know exactly what stay at home moms who put their kids in school DO. OK, maybe not exactly, but a synopsis, OK? That's what I want to know. I have a friend whose home looks like a hotel. Her two girls are in school. Now I get it. I got my whole house cleaned too! And a knitted project completed, a crocheted project started and completed, a lot of t.v watched while knitting and crocheting, clothes washed dried and put away, etc. etc. I have NEVER had a day like that before. And I would not change a thing about the choices I've made, but really!! I am so jealous of the break you get from your kids, you families who have chosen to, or for some reason or other, have to go the out-of-the-home school route. I used to get mad at my Mother-in-law when she would tell me it was too much. I get it now! For heaven's sake, I am never going to feel bad again for thinking I need a break from my kids!!! Which I have been known for doing. I am the Mom who, for the first few months of Motherhood, believed that Stay-at-Home-Mom meant you stayed at home. I followed the curfew in college for the first couple of weeks too. I've apologized profusely to my husband for going out a few Thursday nights a month with my Mom's group in Columbia. I'm very black and white. It's one way or the other, no in between. I'm workin' on it, gimee a break. I parented in the attachment style because it was instinct. And I've been told, if you meet a child's needs when he cues you in to them, he'll be more confident and able to meet his own needs later. I'm actually witness to it happening with my 3 boys. And that is, I believe, how I came to be able to get 4 hours a week away from my 3 sons. They are in gymnastics twice a week, all 3 of them, for an hour and a half each time. They are in yoga once a week for an hour and 15 minutes. And during that time, I am enjoying the consequences of the lifestyle I have chosen. Sure, I have watched them climb and tumble and jump and flip. I have seen them stretch and stand in tree pose and bend over into shapes I could never do. I have watched them. And now I leave them. And nobody complains. Not their coaches, not their teachers, not them. And certainly not me. And yes, I know all kids get left at their different seasonal sports practice, ballet, dance, etc., etc. They get left at daycare, preschool, school of all kinds. If you've ever met my children, you know why this is a milestone for me. Heck, if you've ever ment ME, you know why this is a milestone!! If you didn't know them when they were littler, trust me. This is a major milestone. And so I go to Starbucks and I read or knit and have a cookie and water. Today, I mistakenly drank coffee. I actually drank it on purpose, knowing it was after 3 in the afternoon and much too late to be loading up on a Raspberry Mocha, much less a fully caffeinated one! And I'm now suffering the consequences of that choice. LOL. And if you're reading this, then you too are suffering the consequences of my caffeine induced-much-too-long and full of run on sentences blog post. I just had to tell you, I am so happy I get a break 3 days a week!! I'm so happy I don't feel guilty about it. I'm so happy my kids don't cling to me as I try to pry them off and leave. And I'm so stinking happy that I don't have to share the cookie, the coffee or the water I order. With anyone. I'm so happy, that if I saw you there, I'd offer to share it with you. That's how happy I am about that. OK, I'm done. :) G'night. Oh wait. I'm not done. I would like to request that if you read this blog, could you please leave a comment? It's so freaky to meet/see someone and have them start talking to me about something I've never mentioned out loud only to find out you read it here! Just say hi if you don't mind. Hi Tracee, I read this post. You can write whatever comment you want to write. I don't mind. Actually, I do mind. My husband called me a dork once in a comment and I've been screening comments ever since, hah! But, if I don't like it, I won't publish it. I just think reading a blog and not commenting is like calling someone and hanging up on their answering machine. Good grief, you called, why not leave a message? :) Thanks. G'night. (by the way,according to the spell check here on blogger, homeschool, puerto and caffeinated are mispelled, did you know that?)

I've Got Balls

2008-05-17T02:30:00.006-04:00

Uh-huh. You think I'm terrible, but dirty thoughts are only in the minds of the beholders!! I just spent the last, oh maybe 2 hours, trying to untangle YARN! Of course, as usual, I ended up having to cut it. OK, so 1 hour was spent trying to untangle, and the second hour was spent winding my balls. ;) There was a sale on the giant skeins of Lily Cotton at A.C. Moore today. We were over on that side of town to see a movie. We being the boys and I. I took them to the movies, all 3 of them by myself, for the first time ever. Uh-huh. Please see title of this post. ;) They've been once before with their Grandma and once with their Dad. The last time I took any of them to see anything was when I took Philip to see Stuart Little II and we had to leave the theatre 20 gazillion times to calm him down and make sure he didn't want to leave. And then we did leave. He didn't ever even watch television till he was 2 years old, no wonder he ran screaming when the falcon dangled poor little Stuart off the edge of the church tower! Well my friends, the times have changed! Philip was the kid who believed the candy at the check out aisles was for decoration. He never had candy (unless someone snuck it to him) until his 3rd Halloween, when we finally went trick or treating and didn't steal every last piece of his earnings. Anyway, to quote a famous acquaintance, I digress! Tyler has been quite taken with the Chronicles of Narnia since his first introduction to The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe about 2 years ago. This introduction happened quite unbeknownst to me, whilst he was in the care of a teenaged babysitter. Who knew teenaged babysitters with younger brothers wouldn't think to check if that movie was OK? Who knew I probably wouldn't have cared because I really just needed a date night with my husband? Anyway...lately, we've regressed back to eating out a little more often than I ever meant to...and Tyler was reminded of his interest in the Chronicles of Narnia by the books Chick-Fil-A gives with their kids meals. We've been reading them and yesterday we checked out the BBC version of Prince Caspian from the local library....speaking of, hey Hannah, remember I don't have library elf available here? well, that's OK, the library itself has the same set up here! woohooo....so. Last night while watching t.v (which hasn't been taboo in this house for a LONG time), Tyler and I noticed that today would be the opening day of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. He requested to go to the movies to see it. And we went. And we got the biggest tub of popcorn and two of the biggest drinks I've ever seen....boy, the terms "small, medium and large" have become quite relative to where you are purchasing the items, huh? We loved the movie! It was awesome! And who, by the way, is the actor that plays the Prince? WOW! I mentioned to the boys on the way home, (in the midst of asking them who the protagonists and antagonists, oops i meant who their favorite characters were) that I thought the Prince was pretty cute and he says "so, ya like messy greasy hair, huh?" What, is he jealous? ROFL! Anyway, the point of this is to say, wow. My kids can sit through a movie like that. That is nutty! Evan spent a lot of time with his eyes covered, or pushing my hands away when I tried to cover his eyes, but still! No crying, no leaving, no anything, and the movie was 2 hours and 20 minutes long! I have been a little mushy/emotional lately about how much they are changing, instantly before my eyes. I've really been wanting to just stop time, or at least slow it down a little, because I already know how fleeting these days are! I already have a hard time remember everything I meant to remember from each of their baby and toddler days. They have been morphing continuously since they were born, it seems. As each phase passes, I look back and say, hey! Where'd you go? Who's this? And as soon as I think I know them again, they are changing again. It is beautiful and awesome and miraculous to be witness to this process and at the same time, heartbreaking. This is very selfish, because my heart isn't breaking for them. I am not afraid (yet) of how they will cope when they are grown and gone from our home. (did i really just write that!? of course i am! that's just not the heartbreak i'm referring to, LOL) I mean heartbreaking as in, wait! Stop! I love you just how you are today! I'm having so much fun. Don't leave me yet. Please stay and jump off the bed and into my arms until I am begging to play a different game! Let me keep watching you do all these first things....learning to pump the swing, crossing the monkey bars, tying your shoes, reading your first words. Please stay and beg me to read all the books one more time. Stay and fight with me about how much computer and t.v. time you get. Stay and hold my hand while we cross the street. I already miss so much who they have been in each phase up to now....from a fluttering butterfly kick in my womb, to little nursling infants, and all the way to now. They keep growing and changing and I just already miss them. I've actually gotten myself quite choked up here, good grief! I've been a little over busy and stressed out lately. Which always means I'm a little less of the parent I intended to be. Which makes feeling this way even worse, since I know I haven't been the best I could be lately. Phew! Well, off to bed I go with full intentions of being the best Mom ever tomorrow. Just cross your fingers, cause we have a project to do! We'll be making posters for a festival the boys are in. Please send me positive vibes that I'll be able to just let them create how and what they want. And yes, if you must know, I am PMS'ing. And that's one phase that won't be missed from these years!

Little Guys

2008-05-16T22:16:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day Update

2008-05-14T00:53:00.003-04:00

SO, the boys weren't really involved in the gift giving or making this year, but that's ok. My husband did a fantastic job w/out their help. Hehe. I did hear Tyler calling Ed a few times the night before and later found out that he wanted Ed to buy my favorite flowers for me, but they were not available anymore. (Tulips) Sweet kid! I wound up getting quite a pile of stuff! First, he gave me a much needed and time saving vegetable chopper. We have really crappy knives and I have always been a disaster with sharp objects. I have worked at more than 2 of the famous sub shops and literally sliced a finger more than once! Besides that, I don't ever choose the proper knife for the job, and try as I might, I just can't get a rhythm going and have things turn out nice and pretty. So, it's much safer with a chopper, at least once the thing has been put together properly. And more convenient. I also received a long awaited garlic press. I've wibble-wobbled about getting one for years, since whenver I've been cleaning up with friends or family who have one, I notice that it's not too easy to clean. No more wibbly wobbling, I'll be using it now that I have it! And, weirdly enough, a meat tenderizer. I will read between the lines here and choose one of the following to believe: 1)this is a hint that my husband would like his chicken tenderized a bit more or 2.) since I'm not too interested in prepping meat in any fashion, save for the rinsing it and patting it dry, this must really be for him. Hehe. And that's ok, because he also filled the gift bag with the two most important parts: a card and chocolate! Yum! Thank you sweetie, you're off the hook 'till July! (our anniversary for those that don't know). G'night. :)

One More Funny

2008-05-09T22:38:00.002-04:00

One disadvantage of homeschooling: there is no one besides myself to have the boys sit down and come up with a gift for me with. LOL! Ok boys, think really hard: isn't there anything you could write that's nice about Mom? Can you Pu-lease sit still so I can make your hand prints for myself? But why don't you want to plant the seed in the cup for me?

And just for Hannah: You have 3 guesses as to whether this really took place or not.....heheh.

I think I have a Cold

2008-05-09T22:29:00.003-04:00

I can't breathe. My body hurts. I'm tired even though I have so slept a lot. Speaking of saying "so," here's a Tyler funny. He likes to get "all the drinks mixed together," commonly called a suicide, at least when I was a child. He made all the drive through orders on our trip around the state. One time, as we got to the window for paying, a guy leans out and says "Now, I know you didn't want diet sodas mixed in, right?" And Tyler says "I SO don't want any diet drinks in there!" LOL! He seems to have exploded socially since we've been here. I have caught myself saying that he's come out of his shell, but it's so much more than that. Things that used to bother him just don't anymore. And he is really interactive with anyone who tries to interact with him. I am quite amazed, impressed and relieved. Phew! I can't write anymore cause it hurts and I can't breathe. Did I mention I can't breathe? Ugh. Ughughugh. G'nite.

A Geography Lesson

2008-05-08T01:20:00.003-04:00

We are home, safe and sound and filled with love and friendship from our unexpected road trip. Ahhhhh. I just have to brag first about how impressed I am with my children. We, I just calculated, were in the car for at least 11 hours total. We were in a car with no dvd system, which I proudly admit we do have in the van, LOL. I was unable for more than the first half of the journey to figure out how to work the radio, (XM satellite) so we had no distraction, save the view. Which, for the most part, was of the highway and quite unstimulating. I think it was the excitement of my spur of the moment plans. Hey, we're already this far, let's go on to the next town! Also, I think we hit a park almost every day of the trip. While in Simpsonville, we hooked up with mine and Philip's first friend's, which are Paula, Nathan and Lauren. (the daddy's are almost always working or pretending to be antisocial!) It is something else to realize we have been friends for just about 9 years and really crazy to realize our boys are pre-teens! Whenever we get together it is like we haven't spent a day apart. Paula and I both have family members that are into genealogy and have figured out that we are actually cousins! We've known this for several years, and it never fails that each and every time we are together we get to tell the story to new people. Our children don't quite get why we are so excited that they are related, but that's ok. Maybe someday. :) We left Simpsonville on Sunday afternoon, after two nights at Nee-Nee and Papa's, and another before that with friends in Columbia. We decided we'd like to go see Tyler's "first friend" who is the son of another of my dearest friends, Sahnuah, in Spartanburg. While waiting for Cooper's family to get together with us, we got to see two other families in Spartanburg that we have truly missed. Tyler's favorite part of the whole trip he told me, was playing in Tracy & Chance's yard with the bow and arrow and getting to see a bunny in their woods. Of course it was nice to swim in Annie's pool and hang out in her hot tub, he says. At that point, this Mama was just glad to sit and breathe and not have one foot on the gas! I am usually quite the homebody, as far as wanting to sleep in my own bed and feeling "stuck" when I am away from home. For some reason, that didn't happen this trip. It was just too fun to keep on keepin' on! That's not to say I don't desperately need a chiropractic visit! My poor back is so out of wack, sleeping in strange beds for almost a week. Soooo, after an overnight on Sunday with Annie and a full Monday with Sahnuah, we decided instead of heading straight home, we'd do one more overnight in Columbia! Playgroup is always on Tuesday, so I knew I'd have people to hang with and the kids would be thrilled too! I didn't really get to spend enough time with Jennifer the first trip through, as she was studying for her exams. This time we got to stay at her home and celebrate her straight A semester! You go girl! ;) After playgroup, we were still in a "what the heck mood" and I asked the kids if they'd like to go see our old house and neighbors before heading onto the highway. Happy screams from all directions were the answer to that inquiry. :) We got to see the house and spent a couple of hours with the neighbors, whom we have also really missed. All of these people were so open to my last minute plans, and welcomed us into their homes and schedules with no complaint. Thank you my dearest family, friends and neighbors! Thank you for filling me up with love and hugs and letting my children get filled up by you and your children. I haven't figured out how much this cost us financially, though the gas was right at $100.00, which is not bad at all for these days and as much as we drove! But what we got out of it was priceless. Now, I'm off to get further benefit out of it by turning our driving adventure into a lesson in South Carolina geography. Philip already had a blast helping me prepare the navigation system for each new destination, ("make. a. u.-turn. if. possible. turn around now. you're going the wrong way!!!" LOL!) and even watching the miles and minutes. We could turn this into some math, too! Hearing groans from all the children of the world...hehe. Hoping all is well with you and yours....and if you're ever up for a road trip, we'll leave the light on for you....
:)

Happy Traveling

2008-05-03T15:39:00.003-04:00

We left town Thursday afternoon. I finally figured out what's going on with the new mom's group. After a few outings with them, it clicked. There are always people saying "oh it's great to put a face with the name!" The first time I went out, I thought it was just that there were more than the usual amount of newbies. But the trend continued. It wasn't just that there are a bunch of newbies to the yahoo list. It's that the group is so large and there are so many field trips and events and everyone is so spread out, that people on the list don't necessarily or even often know each other! It's not really a playgroup, which I thought at first. It's a networking/resources group for families in the area! The women have great information, especially about natural body care products and natural medicines and supplements and foods. (i should get to pick up my first order from Frontier when I get back into town, yay!) In fact, they are so into this, that is what all the scheduled MNO's consist of!!! There are really cool events to learn about cloth diapering, moon pad sewing, cheese making and kefir making. But where are the I-just-came-out-to-be-a-Mom-away-from-her-family-MNO's? The one I tried to plan, nobody showed up to! Thursday as I was climbing out of bed, it hit me how blessed I have been to always have been part of the smaller, closer knit groups of women that gather several times a week to simply hang out. And I'm not saying that doesn't happen with this new group, not at all. I just haven't found the groups that are like this yet, LOL! It's just like I said, the group is so large, there doesn't seem to be a core group of regulars attending any specific weekly or daily events. And I miss that so bad! I've been trying to start up one myself, but either the day, location or time is not fitting into the schedules of other like minded Mama's, so it's not happening as quickly or smoothly as I'd like. So I high-tailed it to Columbia as quickly as I could, with all 3 boys in the non-gas-guzzling Acura that is our demo car for the week. Woohoo! I didn't even tell most friends that I was coming into town, yet because it was Serenity's final week to celebrate her taste buds before the next chemo starts, and it was at a fabulous Thai restaurant, there was a HUGE turnout! Even Jennifer neglected her studies for a few hours, which was awesome and I pray I don't end up responsible for any incorrect exam questions! I was in heaven, able to be surrounded by my best friends (minus the ones in Spartanburg and Greenville) for a whole evening of chatter and venting and support of one another, along with just plain catching up. I think I'm still high from it! And the boys got their fill too, as Scott was willing to watch them while Tammy and I and all our group talked and knitted and crocheted 'till 1:30 in the morning. Ahhhh, deep relieving sighs here. We bunked---and I mean this in the most literal sense--at Tammy and Scotts for the night, then all headed out to a scrapbooking party at Dawn's the following afternoon. Note to self: Don't sleep in the top bunk again, as you have to get up to pee entirely too many times to feel safe climbing up and down the ladder in the dark that much! Philip got to go swimming with Alex and other friends, and he and I got some scrapbooking done. Tyler got some much missed time in with the kids and their DS's, and Evan just enjoyed being around all the families and friend's he's known since birth. And speaking of families, since we were already halfway to Simpsonville, we decided to head the rest of the way up to see the grandparents. The kids were excited to be able to garden with NeeNee today and to play Webkinz together, as there are multiple internet connected computers here. And for some reason, chores at other people's homes are just not as hard as at my own home, you know? So, the dishes and the vacuuming are done here and Evan will soon be happily splashing in the bathtub. I also got a button sewn on to Philip's shorts, so he even gets to wear clean clothes if he wants! LOL It helps that I don't have to be in a separate room to be on the computer, since NeeNee has an awesome laptop! And since we're only 45 minutes from Spartanburg....well, we'll see where we end up tomorrow! Ed is, of course, home and opening the store this weekend. He'll actually be of tomorrow, but he plans, and Ipray that he does it, to take the dog on a very long walk, which she desperately needs!

I'm Tired & Some Sad News

2008-05-01T01:38:00.003-04:00

I jumped right into this town and now I am worn out. I am trying to do too much. I'm going to have to cut something out. Yoga ends after Picolo Spoleto, so I'll stick with that. The boys are still thanking me each and every time we go over the bridge to get to gymnastics, so that's not out. I keep getting confused about which park I've scheduled for my rotating relaxed homeschoolers/attachment parents park day. (never mind the fact that i've never even been to them before i put them on the schedule at the suggestions of others!) Which is almost always 20 minutes away from gymnastics, on one of the same days we have gymnastics. Have I mentioned gymnastics is 30 minutes away? We go twice a week for an hour and a half. All three are in the same class and are truly enjoying it and working hard. I figured out tonight that almost all the locations people in my group would go for a summer afternoon at the park would put me and the boys in the car for about 2 hours and at the park for a little less than that. This includes driving straight from our home to the park, then over to gymnastics, then home again. It's really not many miles, but those miles do take time. And lots of bridge crossing. And the guys don't thank me every time, just every time they know we're headed to or from the gym. LOL. I scheduled the park day to be every Wednesday BEFORE I knew I'd have the boys taking a class on that day. Looks like that particular park day will have to go for me. For now. We're still enjoying the Friday Field trips with the group and it seems a lot of Mama's around here enjoy one on one playdates, so that is fine, now that I know people to call when I want to hang out. :) And you know what else? I'm still keeping up with school! I am very impressed with me, as this is the longest stretch of time that I've actually "done" school on a daily basis. Of course we always have the daily life learning and lots and lots of conversations, but we're actually almost done with our 3rd grade and 1st grade math books and doing pretty good with geography and history too. We may actually get to have somewhat of a slacker summer w/out guilt!! Woohoo! I let the house-work go for just a bit because of being so darn busy, but I caught up tonight on the bathrooms and I'll catch up tomorrow on the laundry and dishes. Right now I'm off to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Ahh, I feel better. Thanks Blogger, for giving me space to work out my scheduling conflicts.
Oh, an afterthought: friends of ours found out today that the bio-mom of the baby they were planning to adopt has decided to keep the baby. The baby was born on Tuesday and the bio Mom had originally said they could be in the room for the birth. Didn't happen. Our friends somehow got a picture of the baby, which gave them hope that they'd have him soon. Bio-mom waited a full 24 hours and then told them that she was keeping the baby. Our friends pretty much expected this to happen, as this woman did the same thing with her previous baby. But it doesn't stop the heartache, you know? If you could keep them in your thoughts and prayers that'd be awesome.

Reasons I Love the Beach

2008-04-25T00:56:00.008-04:00

Sun-glowing kids at sunset. Jennifer's Number 1 and Tyler.

I can get some nice shots with my nifty new camera.

Sunset

The moon over the ocean, opposite the sun setting. This was the night Jennifer and her family came to town.

Phew, what a strange start to the day. Sorry to have dragged you all into my pity party, but like I mentioned earlier, you choose to read or not. LOL. I ended up making the best of the day! We discovered the local mall, which is really nothing much at all. There is a Chick-Fil-A, which the boys and I thoroughly enjoyed, down to exchanging their books for ice cream. We also rode on the escalators and the elevator, both must-do's for a mall adventure to be complete. ;) Afterwards, we took our second trip to Hancock Fabrics, which did I already mention this? is the only store that I've found to have yarn at fairly descent prices that is anywhere near me. I got some beautiful wool for making some knit soakers for some new Mama friends. Did I tell ya I got my first paying customer?? Woohoo! Thank you Rachelle for originally asking me if I could knit a longie, cause now I am happy to say, Yes I Can! Hehe. After the yarn store, we visited the new chiropractor for the third time this week. Did I tell you about that yet? This is a neat little story. I'll try to keep it short and simple. A local and trusted friend recommended a particular place to call. She wrote the number down for me. I dialed the number exactly as I read it. Turns out, I was one digit off. Instead of a professional answer on the other line, I got a simple "hello?" I explained I must have the wrong number and why I thought so. The voice on the other end enthusiastically explains that while I think I have the wrong number, she actually is a chiropractor, though not the one that was recommended. Huh? Far out stuff if you ask me! So, she decides to give me a super cool price for my first visit, which is great because I had a super painful ear ache and really wanted to get in fast. While waiting to call her office to make an appointment for that afternoon, (i reached her at home during her lunch hour, on an unlisted, unpublished number ! freaky, freaky!) I called my former chiropractor to have her remind me of who it was she originally mentioned for me to check out here. Lo and behold, it is the same person I dialed, one digit off, trying to dial the locally recommended chiro's number! I really give a lot of credence to "signs" and I took this as a sign that I am supposed to be seeing our already beloved Dr. Julie. So, we're working on a care plan for my very misaligned spine and while we're in the beginning stages of this, I happened to be reminded of something. Did you know spinal adjustments can be emotionally charging? (as well as highly financially charging, Ha!) So, besides the fact that I truly wished I were "home" this morning, I'm going to blame the outpouring of tears on an emotional reaction to my recent and numerous spinal adjustments. I do so like to analyze why this and how that, and I always feel better with a reason. So, there it is. Oh and here are the top 10 reasons I LOVE THE BEACH! (this is an opposites copy of Jenny's Reasons I hate the beach, hehe!)

1. The Sun. I love the feel of it on my skin and in my hair and the look of it reflected off the water and, especially while it's setting, the way it looks glowing down onto my boys as they splash and play.

2. The Sand. The feel of it slipping away with the current, for a moment I feel grounded and then I almost fall. I also love it between my toes and in my fingers. It's like a spa treatment! That would be wet sand. The dry sand I love to sit on and just bask in the aforementioned shining sun! There is one time I don't appreciate the sand, and that's when it blows into my eyes or mouth.

3. The Water. It's like a spa treatment! I love the smell, the sound, the feel of it.

4. The Waves. I love how I can be picked up and carried with each wave, and gently dropped down as the wave flows past me. It's like being bounced like a baby, or I imagine it is anyway. I also LOVE boogie boarding!

5. Sea Life. Now, I'll be the first to admit that if I'm in water, I am going to pretend nothing in it is alive besides me. At the same time, I get so excited to see the shells with creatures still in them and the dolphins that pop up every once in a while, and the fish that occasionally jump up near us. What's even more exciting is to watch the kids discovering and enjoying all of this too!

6. Suncsreen. Crazy, but I LOVE the smell of sunscreen. My husband could wear it as an aphrodisiac if he wanted. Too bad he doesn't read my blog, hehe!

7. Swimsuits. I am very glad there are swimsuits at the beaches I go to, cause I surely wouldn't want there NOT to be. ;)

8. Boating. I love the wind in my hair, the sound of the engines drowning out any other noises, or if on a sail boat, the feeling of being carried away by something stronger than myself.

9. T-shirt Shops. What if you forget to bring your bathing suit? Ya gotta have someplace close when the urge to just jump in hits you because the water has FINALLY warmed up to a temperature that you can get into and not freeze solid instantly! Good thing I am more frugal than that lately and I just got wet up to my thighs in my capri pants today.

10. Seafood. Now normally, I definitely don't eat, nor do I like the smell of, seafood. But today on the way home from the beach, I was at a stop sign next to a crab shack. I could smell the fried food and and hear the beach music and I really loved it! Not enough to decide to eat there, but enough to argue the point. I'm having fun now!

11. The scantily-clad singles scene. Dude, bring it on! I don't know about other beaches, but the ones I've been to lately have got the hottest looking guys I've seen in a long time! Did I write in here about the half naked surfer dudes the other week? OMG! I had to take an extra trip out to the beach to pick up a pair of mucho dinero flip flops a friend's child left there. It happened that there was about to be a storm. Holy. Moly. These guys were in very nice condition. I don't know if they were single, but I am not, so it doesn't matter. But boy my eyes haven't felt that nice in a long time. ;) (good thing my husband doesn't read my blog!)

Aren't you glad I feel better? Boy, I am!! Happy Birthday to Me!

Good Grief!

2008-04-24T12:37:00.003-04:00

A bath and a couple of phone calls later and I think my last entry sounds a little like I am depressed or something. Fear not, it was an hour long lapse in brain cells due to just waking up and still being groggy. I was certainly writing from a place of self-pity, but good grief! I live in a Beach town for heaven's sake! The kids and I are off to spend money we don't have on food we shouldn't eat at the mall (chick-fil-a, yum!) and then to buy yarn (on sale at A.C. Moore) YES!(spending more money on gas that i wish i didn't have to buy) and then heading out to the beach. And somewhere in there I'll get some yummy chocolate! I mean, if I were in Columbia I'd probably be wishing we had gas money to drive to the beach!!! I'm good ya'll, and thankful to be here.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-04-24T09:25:00.005-04:00

For those of you new to this blog, (hi!) you may have missed the first few installments. :) Within those pages, I remember mentioning quite a few times how this is MY blog and it's for Me to vent, share, write whatever I want to. I am not a rude person, in general. I certainly have my share of sassy attitude and righteous belief in whatever it is I believe at the moment. (like i even had to write that, LOL!) But I'm not rude. I just want to remind the newbies here, that this is MY space and if you choose to come here, you get to read what is in MY heart, my mind, my spirit and what is happening in my life. Unedited and uncut, with no concern for time. Nor is it formatted to fit anyone's screen. ;) And you're not allowed to be offended, LOL. Of course you're allowed, but remember you came here of your own free will. Hehe. My heart's home base of support is Columbia, SC. And I fully realize there are people going through a LOT worse than just missing friends. Kids have cancer, husbands have died, families are separated for war, gas prices are through the stinking roof. That being said, let's move on to My pity party.

I want to go HOME! Today is my birthday. And so far it's the worst day ever. My husband has to work all day, which we're not used to here, yet. But since it's getting so close to opening day, of course they have tons to do. And the dude didn't even leave me with the BMW, even though I asked for it last week and today is, again, MY BIRTHDAY! Usually on days like this, I could at least look forward to meeting up at a park with friends. (ah-hem, in the Afternoon people, the afternoon!) Actually, being Thursday, we'd be at our homeschool co-op all day, where I'd get lots of hugs and Happy Birthday wishes. I'd miss going to MNO tonight, but I'd get the day with friends at least. You know the theme song for the show "Cheers"? That's what's going through my head right now. Here are the lyrics for you:
Cheers Theme Lyrics
Where Everybody Knows Your Name by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo - Cheers Lyrics
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows Your name. You wanna go where people know, people are all the same, You wanna go where everybody knows your name.

I don't know when I'll be able to call this place home, and I do look forward to that day. As I've mentioned before, we love it here. It's beautiful and I have made many friends that are welcoming me and my family right into their already formed circles. Right now, let me share some memories of what I still think of as my home. {tears streaming down my face and heart hurting to be with people who have known my name and known my inner most heart for 4 solid years} Stream of conciousness memory lane Or Things I Miss Most:
Kids of all ages running toward all of my kids to play. Knitting needles and crochet hooks and yarn all over a picnic table. Having so many people at a playgroup that strangers are afraid they've happened upon a private party. Phone calls in preparation for playdates to make sure all the kids are on the same page: do you have your light sabres? how bout Pokemon cards? Calling any one of about 10 or more possible babysitters (at the Last minute and all!) and being able to go to a doctor's appointment Alone or on a date with my husband! Being reminded not to interrupt before people are done talking. ;) There's nothing more Real than being told to shut up and not getting offended. Or being able to tell someone to shut up and know they will not be bothered, in fact they will most likely just keep on talking, ha! Christina's hand instinctively held up {even after she realized he didn't need it} to keep Evan from falling off of climbing structures. Showing up at a MNO and knowing at least Tammy would be there, no matter what. I miss hugs from the kids. Trinity, the Del Rossi pack, Freya, and Ayla, you guys give such good hugs! Kids negotiating for sleep overs, all over town, LOL. You know what? I'm actually feeling better now. I got to have those great times with those great people. And the past 4 years are the foundation of my boys' life. Which is probably why they're so damn good at making friends here! That's really awesome that I got to be part of such an awesome group of families and to know how deeply we've impacted each other's lives.

Wow, see? Blogging from the heart is good. I think I'll have the boys help me bake a cake and later we'll go to the beach. Hah. Couldn't say, or at least actually DO that in Columbia, now could I? It's defnitely a Beach Day.
Thanks for reading, thanks for loving me, thanks for accepting me. And if ya don't, well that's ok. I know who does. ;)

100th Post Dedicated to My Newest We'moon Friends ;)

2008-04-19T13:52:00.014-04:00

Since we have been here, we have been to many activities through FamilyPlaytimeSC : Family Playtime. Through this really nifty group, we have met some totally awesome new peeps! Let me tell you a bit about the people we don't have to drive far to see! ;) I wish I could tell you the names of all the people I've met and had the chance to hang out with, but there really are so many and I can't remember every name. Our first get together was at a park about 30 minutes north of us. There were about 3 other families there, and the boys and I were happy & relieved to finally be out and about and making new connections! Philip and Tyler are especially taken with Lynn's "big man," who is into Pokemon cards. I have to admit, I am also pretty taken with Lynn and her family. :) She is a fellow knitter, blogger and homebirther, among many other things we have found in common between us. Their family is one of the first we met, at a homeschool support meeting. Because of the Friday Field Trips and Homeschool Support Meetings, I've gotten to know and enjoy hanging around many new people, including Alicia and her girls. Tyler, especially, is impressing me with his ability to make friends with anyone near him, and to even do this separately and with different people than Philip is hanging out with. He is bonding quite well with Alicia's girls, and I am proud of him for this. In the past, he has been led to believe (by people mostly outside of our immediate family) that boys should play with boys, and vice versa. This gets on some of the nerves closest to my very last one, LOL, and I am so glad he is throwing that advice out the window! Yesterday, for example, more friends made the round trip drive, totaling 4 hours, to spend the night with us. Actually, Jennifer had an appointment in town and I convinced them to spend the night with us. Well, Tyler and Jennifer's daughter, lovingly referred to as Number 1, spent quite a bit of time collecting seashells on the beach together, splashing in the ocean, and then just hanging out watching Sprout tv in the late evening. I am so happy he is letting himself be free to hang out with whoever he wants to, instead of putting restrictions on himself that just aren't even valid to begin with! (And hey, I figured it would be alright to include Jennifer in my dedication to my new found friends, since we seem to be spending more time together now, with our whole families than we ever did in Columbia, ROFL!)
We met Paige and her two boys, on my first trip to the library, not even knowing she was a part of Family Playtime. We discovered together that homeschoolers have radar and can always tell if someone else is also homeschooling, hehe. She introduced our family to a neat little hiking trail behind a local park and is actually the first person to call me for a get together here. Yay! We haven't gotten together as much as we'd like to, due to being on quite different schedules. There are many morning activities in this group, and I have missed more than I'd like. When it comes down to it, I am just not ready to hit the road before noon. I CAN do it, but it's not necessarily a pretty site if it happens, LOL. I have arrived at most of the FFT's, which are schedule for 10:30AM, barefooted and with shoes and socks in hand just to arrive casually late as opposed to missing half the program, which may just have happened, if I'd put the dang shoes on, LOL! We've also gotten together with Susan and her 4 boys. They are into building legos and climbing on their very cool loft beds. Susan's littlest and Evan were quite taken with each other, hanging out in one of our vans together for a bit while the bigger kids finished up their Wild Wetlands field trip.
We've also reconnected with a friend of mine from the 1/2 year I was in highschool here. Jennifer and I have been getting together for Friday nights out w/out kids and have been enjoying getting to know each other again and catching up. She has two beautiful girls the same age as my first two guys.
Now this post wasn't intended to turn mushy, but here I go. Once again I am overwhelmed at how easy it is to be let into, or even invited into, circles of *We'Moon* since I have had my children. I cannot say I ever had much in common with other girls as I was growing up or even in college and in the working world. I always got along much better with the guys. Until I had my babies. And I am so thankful for all the circles I have been a part of and for all the support and love that has been shown to me and my family through those circles. Thank you newfound friends for welcoming me to my new home and befriending my children and me. And thank you longtime friends, for first welcoming me and then keeping me. We'll see how the keeping goes here, hehe!!!

Tyler the Fish :)

2008-04-17T23:28:00.002-04:00

We've been talking a lot lately about the boys' birth stories. It always happens around each of their birthdays, I try to tell just the birthday boy's story, and then the rest want to hear theirs. And of course, they want to hear them again and again. Also, since we've moved here, we've been doing lots of fishing. So there's the background you need for this funny. Evan often will ask me if I remember stuff, as if he were with me when things happened, although he wasn't even born yet. The day before yesterday, I was only half way listening, and he starts off by asking if I remember when we went fishing.
Me: (Nodding), yes, I remember, did you like fishing?
Evan: Uh-huh and Mom, do you remember the time when we went fishing and Dad didn't catch a fish?
Me: Yep, he caught a sting ray, right Ev?
Evan: No, I wasn't talking about a sting ray, I'm talking about the time he caught Tyler.
Me: Baby, Daddy didn't catch Tyler.
Evan: Uh-huh-uh! You said! Daddy did catch Tyler!
Me: (laughing) OH! You are right, Daddy did catch Tyler, but not from the Ocean.
Evan: (Looks very confused.) Oh-eww.

You know how someone says the word "Oh," as if they realize they had it completely wrong and now they get it? I can't quite describe in words, you had to be there, but it was like a light bulb moment for Evan. Who knows how long he's thought Ed caught Tyler from the ocean like a fish??? Hahahaha!

Nature Journals

2008-04-17T00:14:00.003-04:00

Singing Happy Birthday with our lovely Columbia friends who are helping contribute to global warming by driving 5 vans for 4 hours each to be here with us. Now is that true love, or what?? And then we drove 4 hours to see them the next day. Insane, I tell ya, totally insane. Or just a bunch of really close friends!

If I were homeschooling as I intended to, we'd be keeping a nature journal for each kid. Since we've moved in, I've been really getting my butt in gear with staying in some sort of routine for school. I'm much less of an unschooler than before, and I also feel good about that. I like seeing the "progress" the boys make each week. Philip has moved from just learning to regroup, to it being second nature, in a matter of weeks. I noticed that I've been focusing on what he still needs to learn, instead of how far he's come. I gave him lots of praise today and asked him if he's proud of learning so much. He got pretty giggly and red, so I assume he appreciated my late, but not too late praise. :) Tyler is reading more each day, and loves "staying ahead of Philip" on his math book lessons. He's only ahead in page number, and doesn't understand at all why Philip takes longer. Oh, and Evan requested to do math today! It was neat to watch him finally figure out that once you get to your fifth finger, you start at 6 on your next hand, hehe! He kept holding up both hands, showing me 7 fingers and then he wanted to draw the number 7. Even if you're not impressed, I am!! Anyway, since I'm feeling so good about where we are, even doing history, geography, and science daily, along with the math, I've decided to jump in with the nature journals. Surfing around on the Internet and sorting through my favorite places, I've found these great sites to get us started. Keeping a Nature Journal - Environmental Education - Sierra Club, The Heart of Harmony - Green Hour: Let's Started Challenge, and these additional printouts to help record our observations, etc. at Free file hosting by Savefile.com. This will be gratifying to me, as I really enjoy being out in nature and hearing the birds and other creatures scurrying around in the brush, etc. And once the boys have been dragged out into the great outdoors, they'll come around too. We really had fun with the Great Backyard Bird Count — Great Backyard Bird Count we participated in last year, and we have one feeder up already in the front yard, plus the garden. So, we're off to a great start!

Philip ended up having a really nice turn out for his big gathering Saturday and even got to go spend the night with his best friend in Columbia, along with Tyler. Evan and I drove up to get them the next day and got to hang out for another birthday party. That's enough traveling for me for a while, I think I'll stay home and enjoy the beach and my beautiful new house and, oh yeah, I forgot to tell ya we got this new and perfect washer for $200.00 off because it has a dent in the back!!! Other Views It's got a "play/pause" button to start and pause the cycle, ha! It's digital and will estimate the time for me and count it down too! I've never had so much fun doing laundry! It holds more than my top loader ever could and everything feels and smells cleaner at the end. It takes less time to dry too, because of using less water I guess. I am using this great new laundry detergent that I found at Costco.com: Offering thousands of items you won’t find in your local Costco. called Ecos that smells better than anything I've used before, and it only needs 1 oz per load!!! Just in case you're not a link clicker, this is an all-natural detergent, with a built in soy-based fabric softener. When I pull the sheets over me at night and breathe in, it's like aromatherapy! Nothing like that to motivate ya to finish the laundry, heheh! As you can guess, we're all still pretty darn happy here in this new town. We've settled in, made friends, started gardens, joined playgroups and got back into a wonderful school routine all in 9 weeks. AND we got the boys signed up for gymnastics today, for an awesome monthly price, with all three of them in the same class. Please excuse my numbers being spelled and then numerical, it's late and I'm tired and pumped up on caffeine. I had a terrible headache earlier this evening and decided to take two migraine tablets, eat some chocolate and drink a can of Pepsi! And I even thought to myself, boy I'm gonna be up all night! But to be rid of the headache, truly it was worth it. And now I've updated my blog and prepared for school tomorrow. Ain't I good? Night y'all, I think I'll go run around the block now. Yeah, right! :)

The Dog

2008-04-10T20:09:00.002-04:00

Allie has been happier ever since we moved to this town. It may be the air, the town, or the vibes from the rest of her pack, but she is more calm, in general. We have discovered a great way to walk her too. Actually, we run her. No, we don't run, have you seen me lately? LOL! We bike and she runs beside us, mostly behind us because she doesn't always keep up. It is the BEST way to exercise her without wearing ourselves out, plus it's quicker. So, now that she's not a complete pain in my butt, I have really begun to enjoy caring for her. I won't do her baths though, I did the first one and that's all I'll do, ha! There are only 4 negatives to report about our Allie. One is that, we just learned yesterday, if the window is open and she sees dogs, she will jump right through the screen! She does stop dead in her tracks when I call for her to, so that is great. She ran straight at a man that was walking 2 dogs, and had his small son trailing behind him. And yes, this is still more calm than she was before! Before she would have out right attacked and never responded to my calls. The second is that, because we have windows the whole way across our living room, she can see everything, and boy does she want to get out there! She barks her little heart out! I'm truly surprised she hasn't made herself hoarse yet. One thing she did that I forgot entirely about, is nip at babies smaller than she is! I totally doubted even the idea that she would do such a thing, and then wam!! Out of nowhere, she aimed to nip my best friend's baby last week while they were visiting! She didn't get her, the baby is fine, but we definitely know better now than to allow her near babies again. I remembered in that instant that she had done the same thing to Evan when he was littler and I almost went back to hating her. I got over it quickly though, when we found out the fourth thing. It's not so good at all, and I'd like y'all to please pray for our dog and our budget. Ed took her to the vet the other day, just to get her yearly shots and a physical, etc. Poor girl has a heart murmur due to heart worms, which they assume she got from a mosquito bite! The Vet believes the worms are blocking her heart to the point that it's causing the murmur. So, we were quite shocked and sad, but thank goodness the Vet explained that though it will take some time and money (to the tune of $800.00!!!!), she can fully recover. I hope that he will get a second opinion for the price, but other than that, of course, we are going forward with treatment for her.

A Lot Going On

2008-04-09T20:28:00.009-04:00

They were so happy we got to celebrate on his birthday, even though we are having the party later.
See how excited Tyler is for his big brother?

Evan's already got his hands in the frosting, hehe!
I told them they couldn't eat it till after dinner. We had to blow out the candles before Ed left to go watch a basketball game at a friend's place. We ended up eating a piece each before dinner!

The Cookie...writing done by a manager at Food Lion after the bakery closed, hah! Those are Evan's purple markered fingers taking a swipe!

Here's my lettuce. Behind it, is the strawberry and basil, and further back (actually toward the front yard) are sunflowers the boys planted with Ed.

Here's my tomato plant

There's a lot happening here these days. My Wednesday playgroup that I've started is up and running beautifully. I planted a garden a few weeks ago and my basil is ready to let me grab some and make it into pesto! My lettuce looks ready for salad making and I've already pulled a few flowers off my strawberry bush. I have a tomato plant that's doing wonderfully! No tomatoes yet, but it's growing nicely. Tyler has been writing (how do you make a line through a word on this blog??), I mean dictating, a book called "Track Around the Trees," about a bunch of Jedi's with very familiar names that always end up back at a tree, walking around it, in between "defeating" and sometimes "killing" battle droids. The pictures he's drawing to go along with the story are really neat. We got the blank books from this company and we plan to get many more over the years.

My big boy turned 9 this Monday. WOW! You couldn't have convinced me 10 years ago that my life would be the way it is now. I would have argued 'till I had no voice left, and then resorted to writing down on paper my arguments as to why I wouldn't EVER do over half the things I find myself doing these days, from allowing my kids to make up their own bed time half the time, to letting them play with weapons, to extended nursing and homebirthing. I believe I am a completely different person than I was when I got that first positive pregnancy test. And I think that is how it's supposed to be, you just couldn't have convinced me of it way back when, you know? And my big boy, wow. He is amazing. He is very intuitive, inquisitive, positive, kind and gentle. He is a joy to be around. I must say that he is also becoming quite a pre-teen, from insisting on making his own choices about EVERYTHING, to other things he'd be quite upset about if he knew I were sharing, so I won't, OMG! LOL. I am incredibly honored to be his Mom and I hope and pray I am guiding him in the way he needs, to become the Man he'll one day be.

We've had two overnight visits from out of town in the past week, which have been awesome for my lonely heart. The field trips here and the friends we've made here are so great to have, and at the same time, there's nothing like feeling "at home," you know? And we're going to feel quite at home this weekend, when at least 5 families are coming in from Columbia for Philip's birthday gathering. I am so excited to show off our new home and hang out with everyone I've been missing! And then, my kids are going home with their friends Saturday night and I'm following Sunday morning for Evan's best friend's birthday gathering. We'll definitely be filled with love from home when we start our Monday morning. :)

Beach Pictures

2008-04-05T20:29:00.007-04:00

:)

I was attempting to get a picture of the green jacket my friend Christina gave me for Christmas. It is, as she said it would be, PERFECT for the beach on a windy day!

A storm was brewing, so we saw great waves.

They all enjoy climbing on the rocks.

This one is pretty confident. I always have a parent or two at a park instinctively put their arms out to protect him. Even when he does fall, he gets right back up and goes on climbing. :)

Cooper was visiting from Spartanburg, so they made sand castles together.

I have a BUNCH more at www.dropshots.com/TraceeC Enjoy!

What We're Reading

2008-04-02T09:11:00.003-04:00

Philip and I just started reading Hoot, by Carl Hiaasen last night. It is usually pretty difficult to convince that boy that he'll enjoy anything other than Pokemon or Star Wars, but this time, it was all in the name! I requested he go get the book from our library crate and he immediately bounded out of bed, laughing at the name and wondering aloud what it could possibly be about. We only got through the first chapter before being interrupted by the littles, who were wondering very loudly why Philip was getting a book at THEIR story time, hehe. Philip also recently finished listening to all of the Harry Potter Audio Books. They are all narrated by Jim Dale who is just awesome to listen to! I just started the first book before we moved but trouble is, it takes too long to listen to them, I'd rather sit and read them myself. But this guy won the some sort of Hall of Fame or Guinness title for the most voices in an audio book ever. Pretty cool, huh?

The little ones and I have been reading TONS of books since we packed up our own books for the move here. One we got stuck on for quite a few nights was Hello Red Fox, by Eric Carle. They really enjoyed counting to ten on each page and waiting to see what color the opposite page would be. They were amazed each time they could actually see the new color! This book is based on Goethe's Color wheel. We've read quite a bit by Eric Carle, Dr. Seuss, P.D. Eastman, along with these other series:

Henry And Mudge, by Cynthia Rylant ,Suçie Stevenson (cute)
"Mr Putter & Tabby"by Cynthia Rylant (cute)
Commander Toad in Space, by Jane Yolen (laugh out loud funny!)
Wizard and Wart, by Janice Lee Smith,Paul Meisel (cute and funny)

Now what I'm reading for myself is quite another story, LOL. We had quite a rough month or so before the move, and another rough month once we were all settled in. We pretty much all imploded when Ed was out of town for two weeks, leaving us to unpack and settle in on our own. Lest you think my husband abandoned us, let me tell you this is how I wanted it! I did not want to be in our old yucky house with it on the market for two weeks, to clean and deal with the dog and the kids all alone for showings, etc. I am 100% happy with the way we did things, I just didn't know it would be so rough on the kids. I think the problem is that we started telling them we were moving a few months before we actually moved, so they lived, along with me, in la-la-land for quite a while. It is not a cozy place to be, let me tell you! Each time particular friends didn't show up for Playgroup, my kids were crushed, believing it was to be the last time they would ever see whichever friend it was. After the two weeks here w/out Ed, we met him in Columbia and spent the day with friends and had an awesome time! When we came home to Ed being home, in our new house, after two weeks w/out anyone else around, pretty much all hell broke lose, LOL. So, I stocked up on parenting books from our local library, and this is what I've read so far:
ScreamFree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool, by Hal Runkel

I highly recommend that one for anyone, even non-screamers (though I don't believe I know any, haha!).

Now I'm working on The No-Cry Discipline Solution by Elizabeth Pantley This book is just ok so far. It has pretty much the same theme as ScreamFree, except it really uses words I don't like, such as "bad behavior," "good behavior," etc. I don't believe in labeling behavior as bad or good, it's just my kid being however my kid is. It did however, remind me to request help more often from Evan, who I rarely engage in chores, etc. I started the book yesterday, and last night asked Evan if he could get the clean plastic cups from the dishwasher and stack them in the cabinet for me. He happily did it, continuing even after I let him know this would be his new chore. In fact, he started singing about stacking cups and chores. Yahoo! I also have out:
Positive Discipline (Revised), by Jane Ed.D. Nelsen & Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen.

While I'm on a roll, I might as well list everything else we're interested in, or reading about. Tyler expressed an interested in the beginnings of humans probably a year or so ago. Since then we've enjoyed many books and websites about prehistory, prehistoric beasts, and we were introduced to the BBC series of "Walking With..." We've seen Walking with Dinosaurs and we've got Walking with Cavemen on hold at the library. Kind of in the same line of thinking, I have had an interest in Jane Goodall since college, when in my History class the professor had us reading TONS of information about the relationship of humans to primates. Yes, he was tenured, LOL. So, just to get my mind on things besides parenting, I am reading In the Shadow of Man, by Jane Goodall.
And now I have "wasted" much of my morning and must go do chores and prepare food. Enjoy the links and enjoy the books and enjoy your day!

Big Switch & Nostalgia

2008-03-29T09:39:00.001-04:00

Well, it seems I have found a crowd that is on the early schedule here, hehe! I have noticed that I am getting tired earlier in the evening, and wondering aloud to my husband about why I can't stay up late anymore. De-duh-dee! I've been up in the mornings for almost the whole week, out to events that begin at 10 or 11 at the latest. On the upside, I've been waking up at an earlier time and feeling more refreshed. Very confusing to one who normally fully enjoys sleeping late! I still love my bed and the relaxed feeling I get when I'm able to enjoy lying there in the full quiet of the morning, with all the kids still sleeping, but I have found if I force myself to go back to sleep, it's just not a good thing. I wake up all puffy eyed and confused and with a headache. No point in forcing sleep for that result, LOL! So today, my dear friends who know me so well, it is just a quarter to ten and I have been up for an hour already! You get a lot more done in a day like this too, did you know that? Hehe! Many more daylight hours to work with when you actually start closer to when the sun rises!
The down side is that not many people are up for a late night out, or even a night out at all. And even if they were, it wouldn't be the same. This makes me incredibly nostalgic for the Thursday MNO's in Columbia. I'm sure in 4 years (perhaps sooner, but I am comparing to how long I lived there)I'll have the same rapport and camaraderie with some of the Mom's here in this town, but right now I feel like I just wanna go home. :( I want to have the phone buzzing in my pocket at 1am with my husband just checking to make sure we're all OK. I want to be shivering outside a restaurant after it closes, and not be the only one still trying to "just finish this last row" of knitting. I want people who KNOW me to laugh at my jokes and feel comfortable enough to tell me to shut up when I'm talking too much. As wonderful as it has been to be accepted at all the cool events, it is not the same. And building sandcastles on the beach with the boys 2 days in a row is REALLY FUN, but it doesn't cure the ache in my heart for my friends. Hmmm, the psychic part of me sees my gas budget quickly flying out the window!!! I see the makings of a road trip beginning. Where is Tuesday's playgroup? And isn't everyone staying out till dark and then heading out to dinner together? Hmmm?? Make plans girl, I'm coming to town! And THAT is the best part about living *only* two hours away. I can go *home* any time my little heart desires. Phew, I love blogging. It always cheers me up. Thanks whoever invented this Blogger site, I feel much better. And I didn't even have to pay $80.00 an hour!! Hehe.

I am so Blessed & What a Relaxing Day

2008-03-25T18:43:00.005-04:00

I just want everyone to know that I am aware of how good I have it. I haven't done a single thing to deserve the lifestyle I get to enjoy, that is purely my husband's hard work and the luck of the draw. I called a friend today to gush about what a lovely day I was having, and she reminded me, very indirectly, that not everyone is having such a good time as my family and I. I am joyful to the extent that I am, simply because I had no earthly idea that life in this town would be so wonderful! I didn't know I could be this happy w/out daily interactions in the friendships that I've nourished and that have nourished me over the last four years. I didn't know I could find another group of like-minded Mama's to join up with, that would accept me so easily into their gatherings and lives. I always thought I was an optimist, but maybe I wasn't giving people the credit they deserve. The love and acceptance that has come my way, from other Mom's in particular, since I became a mother is more amazing than almost anything that came before! The power of circles of women, even just over the Internet, has been shown to me ever since Philip was born. I know I am Blessed and I am thankful and appreciative for whatever Power it is that is guiding my life right now. And I am working on paying it forward, to friends and strangers alike.
So, what I called to gush about was a most fantastic morning and early afternoon. Anyone who reads this knows I am not a morning person. Well, most people in my new Mom's group are early birds, at least it seems so far. Not really a good fit, huh? LOL! I've planned to make it to a few morning events, and this is only the second one we've actually gotten to. OH and speaking of, the first one was a Marine Touch Tank that was hosted at one of the other Mom's homes! The boys and I got to learn about the wetlands in the area we live in, including some of the plants and creatures that live here. Then, we got to touch live sea stars, sea urchins, a few welchs with the snails still alive inside, and some crabs! It was a great learning experience for all, and then we got to play outside in the yard, where the boys very much enjoyed time with other kids on a trampoline and I enjoyed meeting and talking to more new friends! Nice, huh? Today's event was a belated Easter egg hunt/play date gathering. We enjoyed delicious home made strawberry muffins and hot chocolate, along with the typical "crunchy" spread of organic hummous, pita bread, corn chips and home made salsa, couscous salad, and you get the picture right? I was right at home! It was so strange though, because for an Easter event, it was much more like Halloween! It was pretty chilly this morning, and so the host had a fire going in her outdoor firepit and everyone was bundled up. There were pregnant Mom's, nursing Mom's, attached children and I just have to say, once again, my soul is refreshed! The morning's events were followed by an hour or so of picking fresh strawberries at our local CSA, Ambrose Family Farm. You see why I had to let you know that I realize how blessed I am?? I got pictures of my boys on their knees eating and picking fresh (as fresh as fresh can get!) strawberries, after hunting for eggs filled with organic candy or fruit leather from Stretch Island Fruit Co.™ or organic rootbeer vitamin C drops. Ha! Did I die and go to heaven? As my husband has been fond of saying for the past month, can someone please pinch me? Actually, don't! I am really very much enjoying the wonderful dream. Thank you very much! My eyes are fillng with happy tears and I'm truly wishing the Universe would give a day of feeling like I do right now to everyone in the world!

Fishing & A Good Day :)

2008-03-20T23:06:00.004-04:00

Well, we all went fishing on Sunday. Ed and the boys had planned to meet up with others from work at 7am, but they just didn't get their butts up, not one of them, LOL. So, the Mama's came too. We loaded up a cooler with Publix meat and cheese, chips and drinks and spent the day on the beach. Oh my, I can't even believe I live here still! The men fished and I cast a line out once or twice myself (no bait for me thanks, LOL!) and the boys went back and forth between fishing and playing on the beach. Philip and Ed both caught stingrays, which went right back out. I ended up pretty ticked off at one point. Someone outside of our group caught a stingray and a guy comes out of nowhere saying "Now, you're gonna cut off his barb, right? Here ya go, here's some wire cutters." WHAT???? I was standing right there, and typical for me, I didn't bother to think before I spoke. I just said, wait a minute, you're not really gonna cut that barb off are you? Well, the fisherman went on ahead trying to hold the ray still while the old guy says "This is a people beach, and there's no reason for anyone to get hurt here." UH, what about the ray?? How is he going to defend himself now??? Also typical of me, once I'm shocked, I really can't find words. So, I just stomped off down to the beach. Can you believe the fisherman just listened to a perfect stranger and cut the barb off? It was obvious that wasn't his original plan. Why didn't he listen to me? Argh.
Now for some good news. I am refreshed in spirit w/out having to travel! Woohoo! I took the boys out to a "pokemon tournament" at a new friend's house yesterday and boy did I ever need that Mama time. I got to hold a new baby boy on and off all day, while the boys traded cards and had a couple of battles, and I got to talk to other homeschooling Mama's, one of whom even KNITS and Crochets! Hehe! To top it all off, this was a Potluck gathering, so I didn't even have to make dinner when I got home. Baby fix, kid-free, knitting time with other Mama's, now that's what I call a Good Day! Tomorrow we're going to a Mad Science Marine Touch Tank exhibit at another homeschooling Mom's home. Life is getting good. Sun, sand, ocean and Friends!

Our First Serious Tornado Warning

2008-03-15T23:39:00.003-04:00

The boys and Ed and the dog and I just made it through sitting in the bathroom for about an hour, listening to the t.v. news tracking the local line of tornados and dangerous storms. Ed swears it was only 20 minutes, but if you put me and 3 kids in our main hallway bathroom, uh, that's an hour man! Ed "manned" the televison while I "entertained" the children, ha! We did well, especially once I had the grand idea that this would be the perfect time to read to my kids. Novel ideas come in cramped spaces!! Pun so totally not intended, but pretty funny to me anyway! So we did well, except for the fact that since this was an emergency situation, I decided to tell the kids that if there were ever a fire or smoke alarm going off, to meet at our neighborhood park. Now Tyler thinks if there is a tornado we should go to the park, and that fires and tornadoes always come at the same time. He kept asking when we could go to the park. And afterward, when we decided we were all clear, each time there was lightning or thunder, Evan wanted to run back to the bathroom. My sweet kids. I think we really are adjusting well. Phew!

What We're Up to

2008-03-15T17:29:00.002-04:00

Can you believe I have Internet access now and just haven't made the time to update my blog? It is so incredibly nice in my house and in this town that I have just been enjoying it as much as possible. And of course, more unpacking here and there. I've learned that baseboards actually can be kept clean! LOL. All it takes is actually sweeping them with a little sweeper, probably about 1 time a week. If you think that's neurotic, you should watch me try to keep up with the darn laundry! Haha! Philip and I have planted our first vegetable garden! We are starting with sprouts for iceberg lettuce (accidentally purchased, i meant to get romaine!), basil, strawberries and tomatoes. We're keeping the tomoto plant inside till we're sure there won't be any more frosts. We left our compost in our old backyard for a friend to pick up, so I got organic soil from Lowe's. You'd think all soil would be organic, huh? LOL. All of the boys planted with Ed the other day. They did sunflower seeds that will boarder our electric box, our compost bin and our air conditioner. At least for a season. Today we met up for a play date with a friend I was in high school with when I lived here for my 11Th grade year. She has two daughters, 9 and 6. Ed was checking with the kids this morning to make sure they realized they were going to spend the afternoon with girls....they did not care! Philip said, "isn't one of them 9?" That kid is just needing some time with people his own age! We enjoyed the time together, got caught up and the kids had fun hiking the same nature trail I mentioned in another post. I am trying to start up a weekly gathering of relaxed homeschoolers/attachment parents and I'm just waiting 'till I have a better idea of the parks around here. The families on my Charleston playtime yahoo list are very spread out, so I want to rotate parks so everyone that wants to join up can come w/out it being a huge trek.
I checked with my friend that I met up with today about how much math her daughter does a day for class and homework, as I have been having one of "those" months, feeling like I'm not doing the boys justice with my curriculum plans, etc. (mostly i am hearing comments in my head that haven't been spoken aloud from anyone, but i fear the thoughts, ya know??) From the sounds of it though, we are doing about twice as much per day as that particular class does, and so I'm feeling better. Tyler is really motivated to do his school work, based on the rewards of TV and video game time. He rarely complains. Philip is still more whiny than he has been ever in the past, but I guess we're all still adjusting to being here and being more home bound than we've EVER been in the past. There are these bugs here, flying gnats that they call "no see 'ems." They are outrageous!! They bite us worse than mosquitoes and itch more too, and get all in our hair! ARgh! They do seem to like it better cold and we haven't seen them or been attacked on a beach yet, nor in our own yard. The park about 200 yards away and around the corner from our home is almost always swarming with them. I took the kids to the beach the other day and we had quite a nice time. They all three convinced me that they were getting in the water no matter what, so why not let them wear their suits? So I did, and brought changes of clothes and we had a blast! I did not get in the water, just stuck my toes in and wondered at marvel of children: if they are having fun, they truly can't hear anything else or feeling the cold or heat. Why do we lose that once we hit adulthood? Why is it that we can't stay careless and young and free? That water was seriously COLD! Ugh. Anyway, I had fun burying Evan's toes in the sand and we all buried Philip from his neck down. I will add pictures to my dropshots account later. Would you believe in the 4 weeks we've been here, we've eaten out only 4 times? Once as a family, and two times for traveling, and once just me and the kids. That is very good for us! We've still been cooking or at least eating all meals at home and tonight we're having chicken tacos. Overall, we're all still pretty darn happy to be here. The boys are in an informal Pokemon tournament this Wednesday and Ed is taking them fishing on the Folly Beach USA - Pier tomorrow morning.
Well, that's it from us for now. I'll update more and add photos as I have time and think of it.

March 08 Pictures!

2008-03-10T16:27:00.000-04:00

www.dropshots.com/TraceeC

enjoy!

Surprising Myself with My Resource List!

2008-03-10T02:45:00.002-04:00

On a Yahoo! list serve that I am on, a Mom was needing some suggestions on handling anxiety issues. I thought I'd type a couple words to give her some support, and ended up with this! I ought to have completely calm and stress-free days, considering I have all this to offer up to others that are having a stressful time, Hahah! Enjoy and make use of the following tips. This is exactly as I wrote it to the list:

I have anxiety issues as well. Through the years, different things have helped. First off, Please follow your own instincts as far as parenting and things like that go. Being told to put your baby in a crib and wean is not the best thing to have to hear when you know best what you and your family would rather be doing, LOL! I have SO been there! So, here are things I have tried to help me maintain my calm in the sometimes stormy sea of parenting small children and trying to keep my own health/life balanced.
1)Deep breathing, or even full out meditation, every so often throughout the day/night. Do it as often as you think of it, just like keigels, LOL!
2)Chest-opening Yoga moves, or just putting your hands in a door-way and holding on while you lean forward. Helps open you up and reminds you to relax your chest and shoulder muscles so the air can pass through easier. Chiropractic and massage can also do wonders to open that scrunched up chest/shoulder/neck area that gets all closed in when we're anxious!
3)Warm baths or showers, even if you have to bring the kids/baby in with you.
4)Naps with or w/out the baby whenever possible.
5)Try not to sweat the "small" stuff. Dishes in the sink don't really matter when you are being prescribed xanax to get you through the week, LOL! Let it go for a while, get friends over to help you clean {i inserted my own phone number here}, get support from husband/significant other and other relatives if possible.
6)Taking some supplements also helps. Prenatal vitamins, especially if you are nursing, Vitamin C (Emergen-C is a great one that my whole family enjoys!), Sublingual Vitamin B, etc. One I REALLY love, is Natural Calm. It is a magnesium powder mixed in hot water (coffee or tea temperature) that can relax me in just a few minutes after drinking it. Careful not to start off with too much powder in the water, it can cause diahrreah (sp).
7) Bach's Flower essences have many mixtures that can help with anxiety, depending on the specific way you feel. Google it, if you're interested. I keep and use a liquid dropper bottle and a spray bottle of Bach's Rescue Remedy in my home and in my car. (This is also a great one for kids too!) I also use Lavendar oil on my wrists and just to sniff it in the bottle during times of frustration/stress with the kids.
8) Drink lots of water and eat when you are hungry.
If I can think of more, I'll let you know. Talking and journaling are also good. Talk therapy is doing wonders for me!! Mom's nights out are also helpful, along with any alone time you can squeeze in. I don't believe we were meant to be so far removed from each other that each Mom has to parent alone while each dad goes off to work or even vice/versa. I do believe we were meant to do this (raising families) as a community effort! I think that's why groups like this and others I have heard of are so vital to women! Here we can find the support we are meant to have and the information we need to make the wisest choices for taking care of our familes and ourselves.

I hope some of it can help if you are having anxiety troubles.

Love, Me

Saved Blog Entry

2008-03-08T23:55:00.001-05:00

This is from a couple weeks ago, before we had Internet access! I will update more later....

Feb. 18, 2008
Here I am in my beautiful new home! It's been 2 nights, 3 days now. I just have to reiterate how much I LOVE MY KITCHEN! I found all my old recipes I used to make, and some I haven't ever made. All of them, plus my cook books, fit into two of my large drawers in the kitchen! I made a grocery list, based on those recipes! and went shopping at Wal-Mart and Publix tonight. Just to offset the terrible-ness of shopping at La Casa de el diablo, I did bring my own bags, one I made, one from Publix, and a bunch of old plastic bags. Amazingly, the cashier was happy to use said bags and even told me more people are asking to go bagless or with their own. Awesome! I also stuck to my guns and bought as much organic stuff as I could find there, and at Publix. Yay me! This was also quite a feat since I was having to juggle three sugared up on girl scout cookies kids (have you read the new Skirt (or was it a local paper??) newspaper with the article that says it's a myth that sugar hypes kids up? heheheahahahah!) I am still a little stressed in general, as I don't do well with boxes piled up all over the place. All the every day stuff is unpacked and put away, the laundry included thanks so much to my awesome husband! The main boxes are from my "craft" AKA, Crap closet, LOL, and then miscellaneous things the movers just threw into different boxes as they were getting tired I guess. For instance, in the kitchen I found EACH and EVERY single bottled spice individually wrapped and perfectly settled into it's own space in one gigantic box. In that same box, I found an individually wrapped Emperor (bad dude from Star Wars.) By the time I got to the play room boxes, I was finding piles of miscellaneous toys all wrapped up together, and falling out on me! The kids seem to be adjusting well, settling in, with just a bit more screaming and hassling each other over the video games than usual. Philip seems to be a little less likely to give in to his younger, whiny, brothers and is on the verge of tears more often than usual, which is to say about once a day rather than once a week or so. All par for the course, I'm sure. We had planned to scout out our local library today, but of course it's President's Day. No mail going out, no libraries opened. And no cable here yet! Ack! Comcast told me they'd have my property surveyed and in their system by the end of the week. I almost flew out of bed, where I was staring at my beautiful cathedral style ceiling, and jumped into the phone. How can they wait that long when I am begging them to take my money and get me all hooked up?? I am not too sure how I would fare w/out technology.
Did I mention my two-tiered lazy suzie in my caddy corner cabinet? Oh my gosh, my kitchen is THE BOMB! ROFL. All of my small appliances fit into cabinets, and the counter space is awesome! I had to call someone tonight as I was bringing in the groceries just to brag that I have enough space to fit them all!!
We've taken the "trek" to our local park, all of two minutes walking distance from our home and hung out for a while yesterday. Today we walked/scootered/biked the dog around the block. Allie and Suzie (the cat) are also settling in well. I cannot hear Allie as well when she is barking in the backyard, I have yet to figure out why and I'm not taking too much advantage of this wondrous luxury, but it is quite a lovely thing! Hehe

So, tomorrow we will find the library and perhaps head out for a walk on the beach too, as I have yet to go since we've been here! Ed took the kids and the dog one windy day last week, Friday I think, and had quite a time keeping up with the dog, the 3 year old who insisted on taking a dip, and the big kids who were what seemed to be miles away! I think I'll do fine w/out Allie, LOL!

2008-03-03T19:03:00.003-05:00

It is like a new country here! There is water everywhere I turn from rivers to marsh to swamp and beaches! It smelles fantastic, there is always a breeze and I am really happy here. The house lets in so much light, the cat seems to have gained 10 years back and is purring and cuddling us all the time! We went on our first play date today and I kept having to remind myself that the kids had only just met last week at the library! We met at a park that has a playground and some nature trails. We had a picnic lunch, where I got to meet the local Roots n Shoots leader, and then we went on a nature hike. We had an awesome time talking while the kids pretended they were in Pokemon habitat. They accepted the challenge of the other om to find things that inspired different Pokemon...for instance, rocks for Geodude, mud piles for Mudkip, etc., etc. After the park I got to go home and take a nap while Ed and the boys planted seeds all around the outside of our house. We will have cucumbers, hollyhocks, and sunflowers everywhere soon! I'm going to plant carrots and some sort of lettuce and see what happens. We have another play date tomorrow and one Wednesday too, phew! I was just so lonely for a bit that I went nutty planning play dates and now I think I'm going to have one busy week. Did I mention how much I love my new house??? We have yet to eat out (and good thing since we really can't afford that now anyway, ha!) I have cooked in my wonderful new kitchen each and every night since we've been here. Awesome, huh? ;)

Still Internet-less

2008-02-25T14:52:00.002-05:00

Sigh. Well, at least I can feel like a "good" homeschooling Mom, bringing my kids out to the library every single day. LOL. We should be hooked up on Wednesday. I am getting lots of empty boxes stacked up in our garage. The kids are back to a bedtime routine and seem to be really settling in. I think we'll start back to doing some organized school work this week. The dog is getting bored and seems to be missing Ed, as she is digging up our newly placed sod! Ugh. I took her on a long walk this morning, so she should be OK, at least until tomorrow. I went to a Home School meeting last night close to Summerville. We met some nice families from the Family Playtime group and the kids got to play with fellow Pokemon and Harry Potter fanatics. It seems we're on our way to getting our groove back in this beautiful town! The library has lots of access to programs we may be interested in. I'm going to check into a home school book club for Tyler and Philip. This Friday there is a trip to a firestation. I was thinking I wouldn't go because my kids have already been there done that, but guess what? Little Evan has not! So I think we might go after all! It is in the morning though. I guess it may take some time before I find the afternoon group around here! Hehe. Well I'm off to stack up more library books for bed time stories. We miss everyone, come see us anytime!

Folly Beach

2008-02-20T17:29:00.003-05:00

Hannah, we are just 25 minutes form Folly Beach! I would LOVE to meet up with you anytime you come to town!

We're at the very crowded library again. My kids are going nuts with the very huge array of DVD's available here. I am very anxious not having Internet access from my home, but this will have to do. The kids are much less crabby today, they very much enjoyed the DVD's we selected yesterday and are working on more to take home today. I'm getting more and more unpacked at home, but it seems, as Philip mentioned, that unpacking is making MORE of a mess than helping us settle in, LOL. My mother-in-law is coming into town this afternoon to help measure windows and start sewing some window treatments for us. The windows are bare right now, and it's quite reminiscent of the Spartanburg home that we were robbed at the week before we moved to Columbia. I'm hoping once we get some blinds in I'll feel safer! Well, I'm off to let the kids attempt to play Webkinz before my measly 60 minutes of Internet access are over. If I did this only 1 hour a day of computer time normally, I'd get so much more accomplished, hehe!

Updates to be posted later....

2008-02-19T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hello everybody! Signing in from the LowCountry where we are truly enjoying our new space! I walked the dog this morning and it's just awesome. You know there are no hills here? But it's not flat and/or boring, because there are sea oats and a breeze off the ocean no matter where we are! I have discovered our local library and am posting from there. We won't have our own Internet service till the end of the week, don't know how I'll survive! Till then, I am typing up everything I want to put on this blog on my "mail waiting to be sent" and will transfer it later. The boys are a bit cranky, but they are happy now with their new Harry Potter and Pokemon dvd's from the library. I LOVE libraries! I'll send new pictures and all that jazz as soon as we are up and running at home. We are all happy healthy and well and missing our Columbia friends (and spartanburg, simpsonville, piedmont, texas and etc., etc. peeps too! LOL!)

Did I mention I LOVE the accent here? Everybody says "tree" for Three and lots more like that. It's so cool to be here. And everyone so far is so friendly! Ed says it's cause they're picking up on my happiness. Ya think? I would rather they just be that friendly, hehe!

Low Country Resident

2008-02-15T22:08:00.002-05:00

Today I found my way, and it was very short too, to the local Publix. I bought our first groceries for our brand new beautiful home. BUT, that wasn't until the movers were two stinking hours late bringing my truck of stuff to the house! I, me, this girl who absolultely adores sleep, got up at a little after 7 and left the hotel and got to my house and had to wait from 8 o'clock, which is what time they said they'd be there, 'till 10 o'clock! It was my job to supervise the unloading of the stuff, while Ed took the kids, the dog and the cat. They really did a quick job, and were good too, and best of all, they were a pile of jokers! I had a lot of fun telling them where to put things and having them rearrange things if I didn't like it, and checking off the number corresonding to the red stickers on each box as it came off the truck.
Tyler and I are on a couple of computers in a hotel, for just one more night. I have to sign off for now cause he's ready to go back to the room. Funny, the kids are almost as excited about being in a hotel as they are abou the new house!!!

Finally!

2008-02-13T12:40:00.001-05:00

We are closing on our brand new house TODAY at 2:30!!!

To Hurry Up and Wait is Not Fun

2008-02-08T17:22:00.000-05:00

I think the last time I updated this blog, most of my readers might have been under the impression we would be in our new home by now. That's probably because that's the same impression we were under. Because of the many things found to be wrong with our current home, some money moving has taken longer than originally expected, more inspectors have been called in, and then we decided to switch loan types for the new home, making everything take even longer. Through it all, I have been as impatient as I ever am about anything, except worse! Personally, I have a hard time not knowing where I might be living from one week to the next, LOL. I realize this is not as bad as not having a place to live at all, but I still have this issue! So, our original closing date was for Feb. 4 and then changed to Feb. 11 (yesterday) and now it's looking like it may be Friday before we are actually the new owners of our new home. Besides all the confusion for the kids and a few of our friends, It's kind of nice that we got the extra time here. The boys were able to get to all the sleep overs and play dates they'd been invited to, (with some minor triple-scheduling and rescheduling here and there!) and I got to spend more time with my friends too! We've gotten some minor repairs done on the house and all the things we wanted on the new house have been completed: fencing, gutters and downspouts, and sod for the backyard. Woohoo! Our very awesome Agent, Michelle, whom I'd recommend to anyone (as long as you're not relocating, 'cause I don't think she's doing this again, LOL!!) has kept us updated on the progress of all the last minute things being done on the new home and has even sent pictures of the completed sod, fence and really nice downspouts, hehe! The major perk of the last few weeks, the thing that has brought joy to mine and my children's hearts, be it as materialistic as it is, are the new cars we get to drive! Since Ed has been with the company for 5 years now, he gets to drive a dealer car, his choice, to switch out as often as he wants and keep for up to 30 days at a time! Amazing: I, as spouse of said employee, also get to drive these awseome vehicles!! So far we've had a 2003 convertible BMW and a Corvette, make and model unbeknownst to me at the moment, but VERY awesome to drive!! We also drove a Nissan 350 Z down to Charleston once, but I guess I am just not really a good passenger in a sports car. There weren't even any cup holders, LOL! So there's our update, and I hope to be able to tell you tomorrow that we are definitely moving INTO our new home on Thursday, Valentine's Day and Ed's birthday, and our 13th Dating anniversary, LOL! We are just waiting on the underwriting to be completed and it should be a go!! Cross your fingers, say a prayer, wish on an eyelash, whatever you do, but help us get there! Oh, and Tyler has a loose tooth, which he is very nervous about. ;)