Laughing Tyler

So, the other morning I was doing my very best to get a million things done in about one hour. I don't know why I keep thinking there will be a time to get them done without the kids, because really, when would that be? Inevitably, that time is only ever after 11 pm and therefore occurs in Wally World, where I will readily admit I shop, but I do get entirely uncomfortable from the bright lights and the not so bright fellow shoppers! Anyway, on the day I'm speaking of, it was not the middle of the night and I had somewhere to be and I needed to buy something that I hadn't been able to find at the aforementioned place, so I got to go to Target. Yippee! Except I had 3 kids with me and I only needed to run in and run out really fast. Yeah, right! While trying to convince the children of the urgent need to HURRY UP!!! so we could get to the next store and then to the next place by the time I was supposed to be there, my utterly adorable (I mean it!) 5 year old decides to make sure we do NOT get things done. He whines, he tries to negotiate, etc. etc. So, by the time I am out of the van and closing my door, I am muttering (or at least I thought I was muttering!) "Sstinkin' little shit!," under my breath of course. Anyway. We go on with the day. Incredibly, I did get everything I needed and even got where I was supposed to get on time. Later that night, the aforementioned adorable child is doing everything in his large array of power tricks to stay up until dawn. So, I am on the computer ignoring him, and in he walks cracking up laughing. He looks at me, twinkle in his eye and all, and says, "Hi Mom. {giggle giggle giggle}" I, of course, am hooked now. I must know what it is that has him so laughing happy at almost midnight when I am totally exhausted and can't believe we are still awake! And due to the laughter, he says in a barely intelligible way "my new name is stinkin' little shit, did you know that??" The kid is CRACKING up laughing, like it is the funniest thing he ever heard! I am immediately on alert and ready to apologize and then Tyler tells me that after I shut the van door Evan told him that his new name was stinkin little shit. The 3 year old heard my momentary lapse in sanity and he KNEW that it was Tyler I was referring to. Which is quite a relief, because I really wouldn't want Evan to think he's a stinking little shit, when really it's Tyler, I meant to say when really nobody should talk like that about their own kid, especially not in hearing range. So, I don't know if you find this as funny as Tyler did, but I am adding lots of quarters to the kids therapy savings jars tonight, just in case all that laughing was really a sign of internal meltdown due to my frustration levels leading me to call my children names that I didn't think they could hear. The only funny part about this whole thing is the ridiculously funny way Tyler says the words "stinkin little shit" in the middle of cracking up laughing. Even my husband, who can't stand it that the kids sometimes copy our swear words, was laughing when I had Tyler repeat it to him. Then I read to Tyler for about an hour, in which time I realized that if any of my kids ever needs therapy, it probably won't be Tyler. He knows more than he lets on, he understands more, and I really think he gets what it means to be frustrated and say things you don't mean. I sometimes go into little panic spins and worry myself to death about what a bad parenting job I'm doing and then I spend another day with those little guys and I just know they're going to be just fine. They are quite amazing and loving little guys, every one of them.

Cooperation = Incentives

Here I am! We've been working on details of computer and t.v. time versus time for school and co-op homework. (ah-hem, for the kids, not me, Eddie! hehe) And chores. We've been awfully busy and doing lots of fun stuff. And dealing with attitude from an 8 year old is NOT helping at all. Each week there is something new he is not willing to cooperate on, and so each week I am left with trying to learn how to cope with him. Now, Nee-Nee and anyone else that loves him to pieces, but does NOT live with him day to day, you are not allowed to defend him, LOL! Besides, I already know that most of it is me not knowing how to deal with a kid that is becoming so damn independent from me! Philip is a wondrous and beautiful and loving child, but he is very much learning that he is most definitely his own person with his own thoughts and ideas about how the world *should* work and I am here to tell him, he's wrong! LOL. The world, in this house, works MY way! (at least when Ed is out of town or at work, hahaha!) But, since that's not very fair to anyone involved, we're compromising. I specifically remember as a child my mom *demanding* respect from me, simply because she was THE MOM. Now, I didn't agree with that attitude then and I don't agree with it now. If parents don't treat their children with respect, how do they think the kids are going to learn to respect them?? So, I'm reinstating the whole "you live in this family and in order for us to all get what we need, we all have to cooperate." I did that for a while, then it became such a habit, we didn't have to think about it. Then came summer. Everyone relaxes the rules in the summer, right? Well, we have to crack down now. So, the kids are earning computer and t.v. time by having to follow their morning routines and complete all assigned school work. And that is without any attitude, "Missy", do you understand me? LOL! Then we have sweet "Baby" Evan, who is definitely no longer a baby, and pretty much at the same point in development that Philip is! He is learning he is his own little person with his own wants and desires. And of course, Tyler has always been an individual, separate and completely independent of me, and very aware of his needs and desires. So that makes 4 people I am trying to keep from being completely discombobulated on a daily, if not hourly basis!! I can still remember when Philip was a little baby and I would see/hear parents whining at or yelling at their kids. I remember thinking, poor kids, what could they have done to deserve their Mom or Dad treating them like that? Wahahahahahhaha!!!! Now I know to be very careful about the questions I throw out to the Universe like that, hehe! Not that I condone whining at or yelling at your kids, but I sure find myself doing it a lot lately, and not judging others as much for it either! So, maybe if we get back into that whole "routine'' thing, of doing "work before play", maybe things will get a little less chaotic around here. In the mean time, I'm going out for another Mom's Night Out with my Posse! Check ya later yo! ;)

Well Here Goes

The hardest part of being where I am, at least on my spiritual path, is not knowing how I got here. I know where I've been. And I've been there most of my life. I've been going around and around on what I now know to be the The Drama Triangle. (see here too: http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html)
It is all about co-dependence. Check it out, I can almost guarantee ya you're on it too!! It would be very hard not to find yourself on it, in this day and age, with the dysfunction most of us grew up with. I can't really explain the triangle, which is why I linked to the Wikipedia for it, but I am learning how to stop jumping on it! And how to step off if someone else tries to pull me on. One way to explain it, is to think of it as boundaries. In the drama triangle, there are very unclear boundaries between any two people (or more) in any type of relationship. There is always a "victim" and that victim will either play into being the victim by behaving in the role of a martyr, i.e. "poor me," "it's not my fault!", and an overall attitude of helplessness. Or, they will play into the role of "rescuer," as an enabler, discounting themselves and their own happiness in order to make everyone else happy at their own expense, and at the same time trying to control everything and everyone around them. Then, there's the persecutor, who blames others for everything, is also very controlling, and abusive, verbally or physically. And in a relationship between two people, the roles are interchangeable, and continuously changing. I could be the martyr one minute and the abusive persecutor the next. And the strangest thing about it all, is that I find myself, and have spoken to others who know exactly what I mean, playing out the roles in my own head about myself and my own life!!! And I can do it in a very short span of time too!!!

Example: Me as Persecutor to my own self: Oh gosh, why did I yell at my kids?? I am SUCH a terrible Mom, I am so glad I am in therapy and working on this, cause I am just terrible and they are never going to get over what a bad mother they have had. *changing into Victim>>> But it's not my fault, they keep fighting and screaming at each other and it's driving me crazy! What am I going to do? I just don't know why they can't just share their damn toys w/out me having to step in and fix things all the time! I just need a break and will I ever get one? NO, of course I won't, so *and now into Rescuer/Enabler>>>>> I just need to suck it up, stop blaming them and take us all out to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. We don't have any money, but I can't take this anymore and I can't make dinner like this and then they'll know I'm sorry for yelling at them, they'll be distracted out of any further fighting, and life will be good again because wonderful me saved the day!!

The very sad part is, this has actually happened, it's a real example, not a theoretical one! :( So, you can see where there is self-doubt, and helplessness. I beat myself up for losing patience and not being able to handle my screaming/fighting children. Then I switch to putting the blame onto the children, completely avoiding the real situation and, ignoring my own needs for a real break, and load us all up and take us out to eat, which we can't afford (ignoring my financial needs)! Perfect one-woman drama- triangle-queen, all in my own head!! I am good. Ha-ha-ha! Ideally, the situation would be very different. Coming from a place of clear boundaries and no drama, I would have these two mantras in my head: "I hold others able to run their own lives," and "I am 100% responsible for what I create in my life." So, stepping out of the triangle, I recognize that I am the responsible adult in the house, and it is my job to, at some point, step in and lovingly re-direct the kids and help them learn to express whatever it is they are screaming about, so that they will actually become adults that can be held responsible for their own lives! It is very hard work, much harder than avoidance and Chick-fil-A, he-he! But, in the end, we all end up with feelings that have been listened to, a fairly descent compromise, and home-made fruit smoothies that are way better for us anyway!

My current therapist handed me a printout of the Drama Triangle on mine and my husband's first visit to her. This has to have been about two years ago, and I am just now able to understand it and see how it works, just these past few months. Before then, I just couldn't get myself into the right place in my head to be able to see it. I would catch my husband in a "role" and immediate start play Persecutor, not even knowing I was doing it!!! And I actually had to leave my head out of it and concentrate instead, on my Heart and Soul and to finally "get it." That's where things begin to get a little new-agey, a little more spiritual than what I've been talking about so far, and a LOT better than my life has ever been before! More on that another night...It's once again almost 2:30 in the morning (I think better at night!!) and I need to get some rest. I'm starting to think my Mom was right and maybe I should write a book....
Night!

It's Hot

Being somewhat frugal is beginning to pay off. Not that I've been nearly as frugal as I had first intended, mind you! Nonetheless, now that it is 91 degrees and feeling like about 100 outside, I feel ok lowering my A/C to 76. I've been really good and have kept it at 78 most of the time, and above 80 if we're out of the house for the day. I even think I may be getting accustomed to the warmer air indoors, as I'm not nearly as crabby as I have been in past summers.

Not nearly as crabby, but definitely aggravated and anxious. It seems like every few months or so I find myself re-evaluating my thoughts, ideas and philosophies about parenting. Doesn't everyone? As the children grow, I think it's almost par for the course that changes in how they are parented become necessary, from age to age and from child to child, even from phase to phase in each child's own development. Don't worry, this won't turn into a book, (well it may get as long as one, but it certainly won't be a how-to!) I am certainly no expert!! In the past year or so, I have grown more and more confident in making my own choices (with my husband) for how we would like to raise our children. Before that, I remained quite impressionable and I almost fully relied upon various friends, extended family, and supporting core groups of friends to guide me along in parenting choices. This system worked well for the earlier years, when I needed tons of support with new babies, breastfeeding, diapering, and basically learning which niche our family falls into with the whole gammit of parenting styles out there! I really feel as though my support groups of friends have been true support and almost like they are my family. There are so many times I just couldn't figure out how to handle things and there they would be, guiding and offering advice, backing up my instincts and helping to steer me in the direction that would be best for my children. I couldn't have become as confident about parenting without these people. I think now though, because I have put these groups of friends and their ideas, ideals, and philosophies onto an extremely disproportionately high Pedestal of Great Parenting, that I just can't seem to reach, and that I have even decided I'm pretty sure I don't even want to reach, I have become full of tensions and worries! I am frightened of losing some of those friends because I no longer subscribe to their philosphies and am building up my own, and I almost feel guilty! I am guilty of not climbing up the Pedestal of Great Parenting with them, I am guilty of no longer keeping them on that pedestal (Not that a single one of them ever wanted that position to begin with!!!) I am even feeling guilty for accidentally having put them on the pedestal, and then becoming upset when I decided the Pedestal shouldn't even exist and they fell off of it and straight onto my head! (nice picture, huh? hehe!) I have felt lately as if I am holding my breath and waiting to be told it's ok to be different! Some of the "standards" (for lack of a better word here) that were surrounding me, that I was either striving to reach or letting rest on the back burner for some day, I just have had to let go of entirely. You have to know your own limits, boundaries and capabilities, right? You have to know and do what is best for your own family and your own sanity. You have to know what's in your own heart and follow your own instincts. At the same time, in doing so, I feel I am creating a rift of some sort between myself and those that have been my saving grace, my only sanity, my mentors and guides in this journey of parenting up to this point. I am afraid of not being accepted anymore. Maybe the rift is only in my head, but I am terrified that because I am now parenting differently or handling and guiding my children in different ways than I have before, that I may lose what have become my closest friends and sisters. Goodness don't go nutty and start to think I am beating my children or running a military type structure around here, far from it! But I am doing things my own way, which may be different from yours or from what I have done in the past.

Well that certainly wasn't my usual attempt at a comedic blog entry, huh? I hope you enjoyed and that you love me anyway! If not, as I've said before, this writing thing is for me not you! I'm only sharing it cause I'm a nice person. ;)

Namaste`, Love and Peace to you,

Tracee