Feeling Nostalgic Lately

We've been busy here. Ed has been on vacation from work since Sunday. We've been hanging out, cleaning the house (mostly he has while I've kept up my normal array of activities) and making plans for the rest of his 9 days off. I can't seem to get a break from being busy! I keep intending to stay home from our regular playgroup days, or do something different, just to branch out a little and also to give myself some down time from all the running around I do. It seems each time I try to do this, more events are planned than ever! We had a birthday party to go to, a going away party for some friends, then of course the kids don't want to stay home, so we go go go! Phew! And on top of all that, for some reason, I must not really love myself all that much, because I keep staying up too darn late and then not wanting to get up in the morning! I am so exhausted! But, that alone time is good for me. I have been reading old posts from my April 1999 Mom's list that I joined when Philip was 3 months old. Oh it is soooo incredibly neat to see all the stuff I wrote about! I now have a record of the first time Philip whispered, the first time he kissed me, (mr. brown can moo is a great book for babies, hehe!) and so many other things! What is really interesting is that I have it in my head that so many Mom's have it more together than I do or that they are smarter than me or doing better than I am for their kids. Well, I don't know where those silly ideas came from! I joined La Leche League when Philip was 5 months old, I joined an Attachment Parenting group when he was 3 months old, I have always stood up for extended nursing, co-sleeping, etc., etc., and believe it or not, following my instincts! I have re-read from the time I joined that list to the time I got pregnant with Tyler. In that time I stood up to 3 doctors that wanted me to wean him or take him out of the family bed, changed doctors once, educated countless people (including said doctors, LOL!) on the benefits of following your instincts and nursing (even though I was quite often "flamed" for it), and that was my FIRST child! I just have to say, I really am as good as anyone else! I have done a great job with Philip and parenting in general. I think I let myself forget too easily about all the good things about my parenting because of my Great Depression and how guilty I have made myself feel about that. My only downfall, that I saw a pattern of in my postings, was that Ed has always let me know he needs more time with me and I just kept having more babies and putting my marriage on the back burner. (not that anyone was on the back burning when we were making those babes, hehe!) I am sure that is normal, but I am going to make a much more concerted effort to talk more with him and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him and Love him for the wonderful husband and father that he has turned out to be! I am sooo lucky! I am going to be copying and pasting a couple of those old posts here, just in case anyone wants to enjoy reminiscing with me. :) I'll put the first one in a new entry. Enjoy! I'm off to Lake Lure in the mountains of NC with my family and a wonderfully dear friend and her children! Love, me

Following Your Instincts

Since my first child was born, I have been trying to tune into my body more; to listen in the quiet, to trust that I know what is best by following my own instincts, with guidance and of course tons of research. ;) No matter which choices I have made, a part of me always remains on the defense. From what foods I choose to give my family, to how to discipline my children, etc. I tend to project my own self-doubt out to others and then I convince myself that it is them doing the judging, not me! I have recently read a couple of blogs of some women that seem to be experiencing some similarities to me in that regard. I wonder why it happens that we are not confident inside ourselves, that we always look outwardly for approval or disapproval? One woman was venting about her mother. The woman has 5 children and another on the way. I can't believe she even allows herself to be in the company of her mother! Here is a direct copy from the blog: "She was so hateful as to tell me how people looked at me at Sams. She said "They looked at you like what the f*** does she think she is doing having all those kids and what the h*** is going through her mind and what kind of SH** makes a person have that many kids" She went on and on and on. What kind of mother would say that to her daughter?" Really now, is it our own feelings of unworthiness that allow us to tolerate such people, in the name of family, or love? I know it's her mother, and I know we all have to choose which battles to pick with those we love, but c'mon! You have to love yourself and know you are worth more than to put up with that kind of degrading talk!
In another Mom's blog, the author spoke about how when she goes home, she feels like the child again, though she is grown with children of her own. She mentions how it is hard to do what she knows is best for one of her children in particular, because the child has some, what seem to me to be, sensory issues. This is particularly regarding disciplining, or seeming not to, in front of her family. Now I understand the urge to want to explain your actions to others, I do it ALL the time. But why do we feel this way? Why is it so darn important what other people think about how we do things? I am learning that for me, it's a lack of faith and trust in my own instincts. It's that desire to make sure we are pleasing to those around us, so that they will love us back, or not stop loving us. Even to the point of sacrificing our own beliefs, passions, desires, etc. But here's the thing I've recently discovered: All the LOVE we need is already inside of each and every one of us! It doesn't have to be given to us by our parents, our loved ones, or our friends. It's already there! (Oh my gosh, I am NOT turning into one of those people that tell you all you need is love, am I???) You can call it God, or you can call it Energy, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, but it's already there and it's all that needs to be there. I'm not saying it's not completely enjoyable to have the approval and love of those that we love. But it's not necessary to need to look for approval or acceptance, or even love, beyond ourselves. I'm not saying go nutty and turn hostile on anyone who doesn't agree with what you do for your family, haha! You just need to do what you know, by instinct, is right for you. If you reach way down inside of you, if you are quiet and still, you know it's there. We just need to direct it back to ourselves, instead of always outwardly in hopes of receiving back from others. Don't hold it back from others, but don't think anymore that you have to please anyone around you in order to be loved. I am working hard on this, and I wish everyone else would. We each have to make our own choices for our lives, our families, our children, etc. It's hard enough just to figure it out for myself, never mind everyone around me! Why add the pressure of needing to please your mom, or mother-in-law, or siblings, or friends, or anyone else? I'm just not going to do it anymore. Easier said than done, I am positive of that, but I will work on it. Off to feed my children some healthy food, because they deserve it, not because I'm aiming for someone elses higher standards. :) Have a good night!

Kids = Honesty

My first child is my most outwardly sensitive, open and caring one. The other two are very sensitive and caring also, but Tyler likes to keep it hidden, and Evan, well he's just almost 3. :) So today we have the t.v. tuned to Live Earth. (www.liveearth.org) Philip suddenly starts listening when he hears Al Gore giving a little pep talk. So, he starts asking questions. I start answering very simply, as I usually do, waiting to go further 'till he shows more interest. Oh my gosh! One of the major things that I have been putting on the back burner, and feeling like a failure about, and deciding to quit aiming for the Pedestal of Great Parenting Award for, is the use of organic, or at least natural, products for our home. So, I'm standing in my kitchen, reading labels to Philip and explaining how these cleaning products are just filled with chemicals that are hurting the Earth and part of the cause for global warming. (don't argue with me, this is MY blog, remember? LOL!) And I'm explaining why it's important to protect the Earth from these chemicals to heal what we've already done to it, are you with me? And to protect it from further damage, and of course, ultimately, to stave off global warming for a while longer, cause we like it here, right? OK, so he's looking at me, like What the Heck MOM? Why do we have these things IN OUR HOUSE if you're explaining to me that they are part of what's causing this thing you're so concerned about??? So I start explaining about cost, and budgeting and being frugal. Which product am I going to buy? The 10 dollar dish washing detergent, or the four dollar dish washing detergent? He understands that part, he gets being frugal and all that it entails. But he's still got this look like he can't believe I'd short change the earth for a couple of bucks. So I ask him what he thinks we can do. (as I'm unloading the dryer and putting more in the washer.) He puts his hand on my arm and says, "hey don't use that green stuff." Referring to the chemical filled dish washing detergent. So I gently explain that we're not using that for the clothes, that's for the dishes. ACCCCCKKKKKKKK!!! Hey, we're just going to eat the bad chemicals that are killing the earth, we'll wear the other ones that aren't as bad! (I get free and clear washing machine detergent, not as bad, right?) So by this time I am totally seeing the irony and seeing things through my very honest child's eyes. Maybe I'm really not feeling the judgement of other people for my choices, but my own? Maybe I'm confusing judgment with my own guilt for not doing a better job? OK, so now the question is: How can I respect the honesty of my children and the new revelation of the fact that in actuality, I really should be doing a better job protecting our Earth for them and for their children, and so on? While, at the same time, being able to eat and commute from place to place and stick to being frugal? Huh?? Just tell me that to ease my mind, K?

Boy, parenting sure is an eye-opener!