Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Prelude to Finding God

I have been blocked for a little bit. Writer's block, speaker's block, friendship block. Thank God I wasn't constipated on top of everything. (well, c'mon..I was all blocked up!) I couldn't even cry. Except for the joyous tears that I couldn't stop on January 20, 2009. :) I have been more defensive than I have been for years. I have been reacting to every situation as if it rated a 10, when actually MAYBE the highest level something would reach is a 5. I have been sad and lonely and on the brink of depression again. Almost everyone important to me, those that I have shared my on the edge mood with, have suggested, implied, or blatantly told me it might be time to start ingesting pharmaceutical antidepressants again. I blocked that out too. I have been anxious and very aware of every feeling and of how it really has seemed like I may need to take something more than my natural supplements. I have been having an internal struggle with this, as much as it has been an outer struggle with those who dare tell me the truth. The number one sign for me of being on the precipice of the cliff of depression is the attitude mask that I adorn myself with. The one that reads: I CAN FIX THIS. I can get through it, I can do it and anything else that needs to be done all by myself. I will cook healthier foods, I will be nicer to the kids, (not that I'm not already incredibly "accommodating" to their each and every need, LOL!) I will make sure everything is just perfect. And of course that's impossible, what with the internal struggling and the single minded and wrong idea that I AM Alone or even that I must simply Do Everything By Myself. For one thing, I'm not alone. I have my wonderful and loving friends. I have friends in all corners of the United States and in other Countries. I have friends that whoop and jump for joy and enfold me in hugs like you wouldn't believe when I ring their doorbell unexpectedly when they believe I am at least 2 hours away and have no intention of visiting. :) I have friends across the street and next door. I have friends all over the town I live in. Friends that will babysit at the drop of a hat, friends that will meet me for a night out. And friends that really wish they could meet me for a night out. Friends that will listen to me vent and complain, even if they could be with some happy positive person that isn't venting and complaining. But for some reason, one I just couldn't explain to myself or anyone else, the block I've had up has been blocking those people out of my life. Of course I have my family, though some of them I have been blocking from my heart also. And the most patient and loving husband any woman in the world could have. If you have kept up with this blog, or perhaps if you have just spent a small amount of time with me, you know I have been struggling to find my footing in this new town. I have been trying to find some routine here that involves friends for myself and my children meeting on a regular basis. I have been looking for a community here. I already have found friendship. I have found networking. I have even found a theatre company that is graciously letting this out of practice, untrained actress call herself a "part" of their group. Perhaps it seems as though I haven't been as appreciative of all those people as I actually am. It's just that I was looking for something more. I am finding it hard to put this into words, so I'll just make it simple. I was looking for a Church. A fellowship of believers committed to spiritual growth and mutual encouragement. Of course, I didn't KNOW I was looking for a church!! LOL. I was just looking. Looking and feeling as if I wasn't finding, even though new friendships were forming. As I looked, I continued to feel empty. I kept wanting to gather groups of people around me, and I kept trying to make it into a weekly thing. This is what I had known in two other towns, this is what helped me become the parent I am, this is what I thought I needed. A playgroup of like-minded Mama's that meet every single week. It wasn't working. People in this town already have their groups formed and are too busy and already too filled up to make room for another group. Knowing that doesn't help the very distinct feeling one has of perhaps having cooties or some other contagion that nobody wants to be around, LOL! It's not that I haven't been included or invited and happily welcomed to playdates, birthday parties, and other events. It's just that somehow, being so new, or being so raw from just having left a very tight-knit group, I just wasn't feeling like I had found MY place. Perhaps it's because somewhere inside I knew was looking for MORE than friends. I was looking for God. And I think many people knew that before I did. I have had several books recommended to me, all having to do with finding God. It has been mentioned by some that I join a meditation group. It has been mentioned by others that I just go to Church, no matter what my beliefs are, just go to ANY church and by that means, I will find what I thought I had been looking for. I have been invited to attend a church recently. I had other plans and other things to do and just didn't believe that I should actually go to church. I mean, isn't that the place I learned to feel guilty and shameful for everything I'd ever done in my life that wasn't perfect? Recently, the same friend that had invited me to church, invited me to a meditation group. That happens to meet at her church. The key to getting me there, little could my friend know, was not telling me that the meditation took place in the church. Hehe! Can you tell I have a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to churches? OK, so the next part of my blog post is the story of how I found MY place, found My path, found what I have been looking for since I left the last town. I am the kind of person that wishes when I am excited, that everyone around me could JOIN in that excitement, understand the depth of it, and jump up and down with me. If you don't actually jump up and down, or shout for joy, that's OK. Just as long as you understand, I am so, SO Happy that I have finally found what I didn't even know I was looking for!


Anonymous said...

Pretty intense. I love the way you write. Thanks for sharing this. I hope that you do find your church community. It has helped me in many ways. Although, I find it difficult, at times, to find God in church! Most of the time we all seem to get in the way of God, not out of the way. Good luck to you.

Ed Clapper said...

I could have told you that. But you wouldn't have listened. :) Love ya Bee!