Thursday, March 5, 2009

I'm Much Better Now

The Universe does have it's way of letting us know what we need. And making sure we get it. I obviously have some issues involving Jesus. LOL. I think if you get right down to it, most people raised within a church have SOME sort of issues with religion, no? Most people I've met along my path do. I always look back at recent events and am able to decipher, as much as any human can, the why behind the way things happened. I believe that Pastor Ed at Unity Church had a whole Sunday Service devoted to How Jesus Might Have Eaten for many reasons; for most people there, it was a way to learn to take care of yourself so that you'd be better able to meditate, i.e. commune with God. For me, I needed to learn that I wasn't going to find healing over night, or simply by finding a community that I could fit into. I went into that service fully expecting it to be THE answer to everything going wrong in my life. And there was Jesus. Now I know some of you very loving friends will say but Jesus is THE answer! And for you, He is! For me, he's not. God definitely is, but on my spiritual path the two are not one and the same. I came out of Unity stunned and full of unanswered questions and more than a little upset. I had been told that Unity was an all-accepting place. They have symbols on the walls of Buddhism, Taoism, etc. I was told they don't preach about Jesus. And then they did "preach" about Jesus! And when you're on the edge of a very rocky cliff and something catches you THAT much by surprise, you're going to slip and fall!!! That's what happened to me. That's what led me to finally realize and admit that I do indeed need to achieve better living through chemistry. If the topic had not been on Jesus, I may not have been caught off guard enough to finally realize what was happing. Oh and speaking of chemistry, I've switched from Lexapro to Zoloft. I don't know why, but this time around my body did NOT like Lexapro at all! So, I've got my taste buds and a few other missing-in-action human functions back again and I'm doing much better. On the path to healing. In the past few weeks I've realized that perhaps I need to get over my aversion to Jesus. It's not that I think I need to do a 180 or anything; I just think I could have a much nicer experience in life if I didn't allow all the baggage that has attached itself to the word "Jesus" or "Christian" to continue to weigh me down. I've gone back to Unity with all 3 of my boys and we all had a nice morning there. They offer free Yoga most Sunday afternoons, and a Potluck lunch once a month after service too. There are people there that we already know and new friends that Philip has made. A very nice lady, with kids Philip's age, passed her number to me last time we went. So, we're going to try to go every now and then and see what happens. And I'm going to be more open to learning about Spirituality no matter who the focus happens to be on at that moment.
I'm also working on setting goals for myself and working to attain them by creating a daily schedule. I have added myself as a student to my Homeschool Tracker and I check off each task and grade myself 100 for completing it! It is a bit overwhelming and hard to get used to keeping up with assigned tasks (no wonder my kids don't enjoy it, LOL!), but I am enjoying figuring out what goals are attainable and which ones need to be more long term or at least spread out over a week or more instead of done in a day. I have always had trouble imagining myself on a schedule or sticking with a routine. And to be honest, I haven't quite managed to stick to my daily plans; I've switched days on myself, gotten ahead or behind. But I feel like this might be the answer to what I'm starting to see as having been a very chaotic household. The kids are following morning and evening routines again; they have a bedtime; we don't always follow it, but it's there and it's good to have it. I've been getting up earlier than ever before! I think the Lexapro made me incredibly tired. Or else Zoloft is making me incredibly energetic. I don't know which is true, but I needed naps and slept a LOT the whole 6 years I was on Lexapro. Now I'm waking up before 9 most days and going to bed around 11. No naps, still have energy. I'm taking vitamins and fish oil. Life is getting better. I am getting better. Oh! And I've decided my brain isn't broken. Where'd that come from? Well it just sounds so dramatic to say your brain is broken, you know? And I talked to a psychiatrist who explained to me, in a better way than I've read or seen before, exactly what an SSRI drug does. Apparently, my brain works just fine. It's just that I have a lot of stressors (hmm, who'd a thunk it?) and my brain reacted accordingly. Some friends and I have decided that evolutionarily speaking, it is in fact quite necessary for the brain to re-uptake serotonin in times of stress; I mean, would you really want to feel like all is well in the world if a cave lion was attacking your clan?? Of course not! Now I just need to catch up to the fact that not every little thing I worry and stress about is the equivalent of a lion stealing my children from me! My goal is Balance. My mantra is Balance. My thoughts are positive. My motto is What Anyone Else Thinks of Me is None of My Business. I meditate. I play. I breathe. I live and love. And Spring is coming! And hopefully, with the help of a little SSRI, I will continue to heal and to grow and to not worry so damn much! Yay me! Thanks for reading and for all your comments and support in this blog and in rea
l life.


Hannah said...

Well, girl, obviously we feel differently about Jesus :-), but I really appreciate your honesty and forthrightness. It's good to know what you're going through, and even about the meds .Weird about the taste bud thing!
Sounds like you're not unschooling anymore? I haven't tried Homeschool Tracker, but I'm rather inconsistent about record-keeping!

Jenny said...

I'm so glad you're in a good place. (((hugs)))

Janine said...

Tracee, I am just getting to read this. I think that the problem you have with Jesus is not because of Jesus, but with the people that have brought you their view of Jesus. Jesus loves you, Tracee. I am 100% sure of that. He's not someone who is going to judge you or expect anything from you. He just want you, just the way you are. Completely unconditional. I beleive this for two reasons...because I have experienced this love and because the Bible (that has withstanded the test of time and history) tells me so.

Julia said...

Tracee, that sounds great! I don't think you can underestimate the importance of keeping a regular routine when it comes ot mental health, and I say this from personal experience.

Are you familiar with the Unitarian church? I'm not trying to get you to switch, but it sounds like it might be right up your alley. I've never been, but I've heard a lot about it, and I've thought for a long time that if I wanted to go to a church this would be the one. They are a religiously liberal community that doesn't require you to follow any particular path. The focus is on helping others and forming community. Unitarians include everything Christians, but also atheists, Jews, pagans, and people who just consider themselves spiritual. They have a beautiful church downtown.