Since my first child was born, I have been trying to tune into my body more; to listen in the quiet, to trust that I know what is best by following my own instincts, with guidance and of course tons of research. ;) No matter which choices I have made, a part of me always remains on the defense. From what foods I choose to give my family, to how to discipline my children, etc. I tend to project my own self-doubt out to others and then I convince myself that it is them doing the judging, not me! I have recently read a couple of blogs of some women that seem to be experiencing some similarities to me in that regard. I wonder why it happens that we are not confident inside ourselves, that we always look outwardly for approval or disapproval? One woman was venting about her mother. The woman has 5 children and another on the way. I can't believe she even allows herself to be in the company of her mother! Here is a direct copy from the blog: "She was so hateful as to tell me how people looked at me at Sams. She said "They looked at you like what the f*** does she think she is doing having all those kids and what the h*** is going through her mind and what kind of SH** makes a person have that many kids" She went on and on and on. What kind of mother would say that to her daughter?" Really now, is it our own feelings of unworthiness that allow us to tolerate such people, in the name of family, or love? I know it's her mother, and I know we all have to choose which battles to pick with those we love, but c'mon! You have to love yourself and know you are worth more than to put up with that kind of degrading talk!
In another Mom's blog, the author spoke about how when she goes home, she feels like the child again, though she is grown with children of her own. She mentions how it is hard to do what she knows is best for one of her children in particular, because the child has some, what seem to me to be, sensory issues. This is particularly regarding disciplining, or seeming not to, in front of her family. Now I understand the urge to want to explain your actions to others, I do it ALL the time. But why do we feel this way? Why is it so darn important what other people think about how we do things? I am learning that for me, it's a lack of faith and trust in my own instincts. It's that desire to make sure we are pleasing to those around us, so that they will love us back, or not stop loving us. Even to the point of sacrificing our own beliefs, passions, desires, etc. But here's the thing I've recently discovered: All the LOVE we need is already inside of each and every one of us! It doesn't have to be given to us by our parents, our loved ones, or our friends. It's already there! (Oh my gosh, I am NOT turning into one of those people that tell you all you need is love, am I???) You can call it God, or you can call it Energy, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, but it's already there and it's all that needs to be there. I'm not saying it's not completely enjoyable to have the approval and love of those that we love. But it's not necessary to need to look for approval or acceptance, or even love, beyond ourselves. I'm not saying go nutty and turn hostile on anyone who doesn't agree with what you do for your family, haha! You just need to do what you know, by instinct, is right for you. If you reach way down inside of you, if you are quiet and still, you know it's there. We just need to direct it back to ourselves, instead of always outwardly in hopes of receiving back from others. Don't hold it back from others, but don't think anymore that you have to please anyone around you in order to be loved. I am working hard on this, and I wish everyone else would. We each have to make our own choices for our lives, our families, our children, etc. It's hard enough just to figure it out for myself, never mind everyone around me! Why add the pressure of needing to please your mom, or mother-in-law, or siblings, or friends, or anyone else? I'm just not going to do it anymore. Easier said than done, I am positive of that, but I will work on it. Off to feed my children some healthy food, because they deserve it, not because I'm aiming for someone elses higher standards. :) Have a good night!