Laughing Tyler

So, the other morning I was doing my very best to get a million things done in about one hour. I don't know why I keep thinking there will be a time to get them done without the kids, because really, when would that be? Inevitably, that time is only ever after 11 pm and therefore occurs in Wally World, where I will readily admit I shop, but I do get entirely uncomfortable from the bright lights and the not so bright fellow shoppers! Anyway, on the day I'm speaking of, it was not the middle of the night and I had somewhere to be and I needed to buy something that I hadn't been able to find at the aforementioned place, so I got to go to Target. Yippee! Except I had 3 kids with me and I only needed to run in and run out really fast. Yeah, right! While trying to convince the children of the urgent need to HURRY UP!!! so we could get to the next store and then to the next place by the time I was supposed to be there, my utterly adorable (I mean it!) 5 year old decides to make sure we do NOT get things done. He whines, he tries to negotiate, etc. etc. So, by the time I am out of the van and closing my door, I am muttering (or at least I thought I was muttering!) "Sstinkin' little shit!," under my breath of course. Anyway. We go on with the day. Incredibly, I did get everything I needed and even got where I was supposed to get on time. Later that night, the aforementioned adorable child is doing everything in his large array of power tricks to stay up until dawn. So, I am on the computer ignoring him, and in he walks cracking up laughing. He looks at me, twinkle in his eye and all, and says, "Hi Mom. {giggle giggle giggle}" I, of course, am hooked now. I must know what it is that has him so laughing happy at almost midnight when I am totally exhausted and can't believe we are still awake! And due to the laughter, he says in a barely intelligible way "my new name is stinkin' little shit, did you know that??" The kid is CRACKING up laughing, like it is the funniest thing he ever heard! I am immediately on alert and ready to apologize and then Tyler tells me that after I shut the van door Evan told him that his new name was stinkin little shit. The 3 year old heard my momentary lapse in sanity and he KNEW that it was Tyler I was referring to. Which is quite a relief, because I really wouldn't want Evan to think he's a stinking little shit, when really it's Tyler, I meant to say when really nobody should talk like that about their own kid, especially not in hearing range. So, I don't know if you find this as funny as Tyler did, but I am adding lots of quarters to the kids therapy savings jars tonight, just in case all that laughing was really a sign of internal meltdown due to my frustration levels leading me to call my children names that I didn't think they could hear. The only funny part about this whole thing is the ridiculously funny way Tyler says the words "stinkin little shit" in the middle of cracking up laughing. Even my husband, who can't stand it that the kids sometimes copy our swear words, was laughing when I had Tyler repeat it to him. Then I read to Tyler for about an hour, in which time I realized that if any of my kids ever needs therapy, it probably won't be Tyler. He knows more than he lets on, he understands more, and I really think he gets what it means to be frustrated and say things you don't mean. I sometimes go into little panic spins and worry myself to death about what a bad parenting job I'm doing and then I spend another day with those little guys and I just know they're going to be just fine. They are quite amazing and loving little guys, every one of them.

More About My Workshop Weekend

I told you all about the therapy done in the workshop, but I left out everything I did in my free time. I grew up in Augusta, where the workshop was held. I attended two elementary schools there, one middle school and one high school. I went on to other towns and ended up attending 3 more high schools. Finally, I went to college. I am, in general, an extremely sentimental person. Everything and every place means something to me. So, while in my *hometown*, I took quite a trip down memory lane. It was more like a pilgrimage, as in each place, each visit with my past, I felt as though I was reuniting with a piece of myself that had been lost for such a long time! The whole weekend, every occurrence, seems simply meant to be. I left the convent early on Saturday, skipping dinner with the group because it was just too much energy to stay. I needed a breather. I called my Mom, expecting to meet up with her, but didn't get an answer. Being nostalgic, and having some free time, I set off on my adventure! First, I checked out the high school I attended for Ninth and a portion of Tenth grade. As an adult, I have had a number of dreams about being lost in high schools and not being able to get to classes on time, or ending up in the wrong wing of the school at the wrong time for the wrong class. As far as I was concerned, they were just crazy dreams. Well, upon driving up to my old high school, I was just astonished at how huge the campus is! And I distinctly remember having classes in two different buildings, besides the portables! I was shuffling back and forth every class, it's no nightmare that I got lost, I REALLY was lost! Memories came flooding through and I really enjoyed seeing the football field again. I had forgotten how important those high school football games had been to me and a few very close friends. How neat to recapture that, if only for a moment! Of course it was a Saturday, so all the doors were locked, and I couldn't even get onto the football field. Still, it was so good for my brain to feel validated by being able to recapture things long lost! Next, off to my Third-Fifth grade elementary school. The playground was my main focus here, as it was when I was a child. :) I LOVED to swing! It was kind of sad that the whole playground was pretty dilapidated and depressing looking. I can't imagine they would actually let kids play out there these days. An old metal slide was lying on it's side, over towards the wooded area behind the kickball field. The old, tall, metal swing sets were all broken, with no replacements. A couple of deflating kick balls were just left out. From peeking in the windows of the school building, it seemed fully operational and in session. Anyways, I had not thought of it in years, but suddenly I was faced with an old Shadow-maker. The pull-up bars. As an elementary school-er, I could never summon enough courage to do a forward flip over them. Backward flips, no problem, any day, even as an adult I have done them. As opposed to my much skinnier, and prettier, and boy-oogled friend De-De. That girl could forward flip in multiples, holding one knee up to her chin and just flying forward again and again! Well, if you've seen me lately, and you have any idea of the kind of bars I'm speaking of, you won't believe what I'm gonna tell you. I decided to do a little shadow-play. Play as opposed to work, cause our workshop therapist insisted that we learn to play with our Shadows. I explained to my Shadow, (the one that insisted I couldn't do a forward flip at 10, and so who did I think I was about to attempt one at 34 and about 100lbs or more heavier???) that I was indeed going to attempt that forward flip, even if it didn't work out. I had to try. And try I did. And for a moment I believed that was it. I had played with my Shadow, faced it, and was done. No way you can miniaturize yourself back to the fifth grade and be truly able to do this. OK, I'll check out the rest of the memories here. I patted myself on the back for this really cool attempt at therapatizing myself and moved on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, across the asphalt basketball court, there was yet another set of 3 pull up bars, this set considerably lower to the ground than the one I'd just finished with. Maybe I could do it after all!!! I gently put my cell phone, car keys and bottle of water back onto the asphalt. I took a deep breath, remembered that I am supposed to LOVE my Shadow, not attempt to do battle with it, and decided yet again that if things didn't work out, it would be OK. There was not another Soul around and as long as I had at least attempted this dare devil feat, I would be proud, and would have truly "befriended" that old Shadow. Guess what? ;) This big ole 34 year old, stubborn, healing, in Love with the World, nut, did a forward flip over those pull up bars!!!! Woo-Hoo!! You know how excited you get when your kid or someone you really love has finally accomplished something they've been working at a long time? Yeah, that's me. That's how I felt! It was so awesome. I am getting proud all over again just remembering that moment as I flipped right over and off the bar, landing upright on two feet. So, it probably wasn't the safest thing in the world, out there all alone on an abandoned playground on a Saturday afternoon, but I DID IT! It was just one of those things that was meant to happen. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you and I hope it may inspire you to play with whatever Shadows you have, possibly re-shaping your past and being able to see your future in a whole new ILLUMINATED way! More memories of that weekend to come....

*Free* to Be You and Me

It wasn't what I thought it would be. Is anything ever? I still can't figure out why this happened, but as I was heading towards my car to leave home for the weekend, I just started crying. Lately, I have been more in tune with my kids and I think I probably just didn't want to be away from them for that long. Everything was fine though, they were fine, and I learned and healed so much! Though I did, of course, cry throughout the weekend, it was so intense!!
It has been easy to talk about it out loud, but I just haven't been able to find the time to sit and write it all out. It's overwhelming how much I learned and there's just no way to get it all down. I will tell you, the darkness in my life has been illuminated and my Shadow and I are working on becoming friends. During the workshop, I couldn't help but relate "befriending your shadow" to Peter Pan. See, Shadow is all the parts of our true self that we have suppressed, oppressed, somehow buried in order to survive in our family of origin, and then out in the world. It's the part of a boy that won't let him cry, because "boys don't cry." It's the part of a girl that will always cross her legs when she seats herself because "we must always be a lady!" The problem is, you push the urge to cry back behind you, and you push the urge to just flop on the floor and sit anyway you like behind you, and each time you push something behind you, it is building up your Shadow. And Shadow comes out as Rage, Depression, Hunched up shoulders, Shortness of breath, Tightened muscles in our bodies. The therapist that lead our group even went so far as to say, our Shadows can contribute to cancers. Not that other things don't! Anything our bodies/minds were told as we were growing up, got taken in on a cellular level. (no, not the phone, the actual cells of our body!) We deny our true selves in order to fit the mold the family or the world creates for us. So, it is so hard and so scary to actually "befriend" my shadow, that I couldn't help but think of how Wendy actually sews Peter Pan's Shadow on to him with needle and thread. Oh, I didn't mention, there is also something called "Golden Shadow." It is all the potential we had as children to become whatever we dreamed of becoming, that got squelched by comments like "No, that drawing isn't a dinosaur, it's just scribbles!" So the artist gets buried. Or, "Little Susie has a hard time with that." So, whatever "that" is, Little Susie learns to continue having a hard time with it. So, all the goodness and all the badness of our TRUE selves is buried underneath what is termed as a FALSE self, in order to fit in, survive, or simply please those around us. Out of TRUE and FALSE, evolves the Adaptive Self. That's the one that tries to function in the world pleasing others, but still remembering that he once wanted to be an artist. He does the art work but won't ever show anyone. He wants to make money at, but believes no one will ever buy his work. This is probably why most artists are angry and starving, LOL! So, he is stuck in an Adaptive self, not even knowing he's there or how to get out of it!!
I met my Shadow last weekend. I found what I have suppressed, and I found my Golden Shadow too. And I learned how to be friends with my Shadow. It is so AWESOME to have the resources and tools I need to peel the layers back and figure out where the ideas and thoughts come from that make me believe anything I believe, from not feeling "worthy" or "smart," to thinking "I can't do that," and then to the other spectrum of "Yes, I can do that, and even better than you!" LOL. No blame here, but it all goes back to the words and phrases we heard as children! We soaked it up like a plant soaks up the sun! We let it nurture us, and now we have to nurture ourselves back into one whole person, befriending our Shadows and Loving our whole selves. And this Loving of our whole selves includes crying if you want to cry, sitting how ever you like, feeling however you are feeling and allowing it to be what's True for you, no matter what else anyone else ever has said or will say about it! Amazingly, this work has even helped with a LOT of my parenting skills. I see even more now the importance of letting my children be who they are and not passing *MY* Shadow talk onto them! It is so important for our children to have the space held for them to be who they are, however that is, noisy, improper, sad, happy, whatever THEY are in the moment! I'm not saying there aren't boundaries and times and places for different ways of behaving, but in general, I am backing way off of them and enforcing a house of Free to Be You and Me!
"And that's all I have to say 'bout tha-at." ---Forrest Gump.
For now, heheh! Thank you to everyone who helped me get to this workshop!!

Back in Town :)

I'm back home. Doing really well. I can't even put words yet to how wonderful and healing this weekend turned out to be. We have a busy day, so I will update later. Just wanted you to know we are all happy and well here.

Healing Weekend Planned

Letting you into my personal life a bit (or maybe a lot) further....I have been doing a lot of "trance work" with my therapist. This involves going under hypnosis and tracing my feelings back to the first time I felt them, then reprocessing everything for my inner-child, in order to function more fully as an adult. Something everyone has asked or wondered: Does she tell you where to go? Or what to feel? Answer: No. She guides me into a more fully aware and less inhibited state of mind, or trance, through hypnosis. She always makes a point to remind me that I can come out of that state at any time I want to and that nothing can happen to me or be decided for me in that state without my conscious permission and agreement. Then she asks me to bring up the most recent time I felt whatever feeling it is I want to work on, i.e., rejection, unworthiness, anger, etc. We get in touch with the emotions on a physical level, and through that physical feeling I am able to, in trance state, transport my mind to the original time I felt it. I have learned, and believe, that everything that happens to us stays with us and creates a trigger on a cellular, organic level. The reprocessing of events and feelings truly is healing for me. It is really tough emotionally, and these are often two hour sessions, but so far it has been absolutely amazing! I am becoming much more compassionate toward others, much more patient with my own children and husband, and just have an overall sense of being a little bit more enlightened about the world in general, and my spiritual life in particular. This is right for me. And it is working. I find myself humming at odd times, and just plain happy. Not to say that I don't have my mean monster mommy moments at all anymore, but I'm creating new ways of handling myself and finding resources to bring to mind when I need them, in order to keep my anxiety and stress in check. The most amazing thing lately has been the decrease in my sensitivity to noise. I have always had a hard time hearing many noises at once, or any loud noises. I figured this was just a sensory processing issue, since Tyler (my 5 y/o) has had so many of those. I just assumed I must have some and he got them from me. Well, in the past 3 weeks, I find myself stopping in the middle of shushing the kids and realizing that the noise really ISN'T bothering me, I'm just in the habit of asking for quiet. I didn't trust it at first, so I've been just biting my lip and waiting to see how I react when the kids get noisy. And to my wonder and happiness, it is OK!
So, this weekend I am going to an Episcopalian Convent in Augusta Georgia to work some more on that inner child! What? Did Tracee say she is going to a Convent for a weekend??? Yup!! LOL! A friend and I were talking and we found we had lots in common on our spiritual journey's, so she recommended this seminar. It is called "Illuminating Darkness, Befriending Your Shadow." I will copy the description here. I am so excited! My wonderful MIL will be taking the kids for a day and a half and my husband is good with it all, and I was able to get a partial scholarship to pay for the seminar, plus a sponsor to cover the rest. Thank you everyone who has helped me! And I am going to stay with my Mom, since she lives in Augusta, which helped to cut the total cost of the weekend right in half! Woohoo!!! So here's the cut and paste, keep me in mind this weekend that I get everything I need out of this seminar and am able to integrate everything into my daily life to keep on keepin on! Thank you!

"Sept 7-9 – Illuminating Darkness, Befriending your Shadow led by Thomas Portney. Now taking reservations for this added weekend!
Of all the inner and outer forces that disrupt our lives and prevent spiritual peace, our shadow is the most powerful. Defined by Carl Jung as the repository of all our denied emotions, fears and gifts, the shadow becomes to us an imagined Pandora's box from which we spend our life fleeing. In the end we become defeated by the leaks that emerge from shadow, attacking self and others and sabotaging our best efforts. In reality, the "beasties" of our shadow are most usable energy that can contribute to strength, creativity, and unitive experience with God. Illuminating Darkness will challenge participants to come back into true balance with self. Further, opportunity to anchor new learnings within a renewed sense of freedom and lightness will occur.
Thomas Portney combines 34 years as a psychotherapist, spiritual director, and alternative healer into a form of experience designed to return each person with whom he works to their original self and their intimate relationship with God. His workshops combine a lively mix of first-hand learning and deep experiential exercises that yield great personal change. Music, movement and humor are vital elements in his workshop expressions and add spice to a paradox of diversity and unity. He is on a 58-year path of discovery himself."

Well Here Goes

The hardest part of being where I am, at least on my spiritual path, is not knowing how I got here. I know where I've been. And I've been there most of my life. I've been going around and around on what I now know to be the The Drama Triangle. (see here too: http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html)
It is all about co-dependence. Check it out, I can almost guarantee ya you're on it too!! It would be very hard not to find yourself on it, in this day and age, with the dysfunction most of us grew up with. I can't really explain the triangle, which is why I linked to the Wikipedia for it, but I am learning how to stop jumping on it! And how to step off if someone else tries to pull me on. One way to explain it, is to think of it as boundaries. In the drama triangle, there are very unclear boundaries between any two people (or more) in any type of relationship. There is always a "victim" and that victim will either play into being the victim by behaving in the role of a martyr, i.e. "poor me," "it's not my fault!", and an overall attitude of helplessness. Or, they will play into the role of "rescuer," as an enabler, discounting themselves and their own happiness in order to make everyone else happy at their own expense, and at the same time trying to control everything and everyone around them. Then, there's the persecutor, who blames others for everything, is also very controlling, and abusive, verbally or physically. And in a relationship between two people, the roles are interchangeable, and continuously changing. I could be the martyr one minute and the abusive persecutor the next. And the strangest thing about it all, is that I find myself, and have spoken to others who know exactly what I mean, playing out the roles in my own head about myself and my own life!!! And I can do it in a very short span of time too!!!

Example: Me as Persecutor to my own self: Oh gosh, why did I yell at my kids?? I am SUCH a terrible Mom, I am so glad I am in therapy and working on this, cause I am just terrible and they are never going to get over what a bad mother they have had. *changing into Victim>>> But it's not my fault, they keep fighting and screaming at each other and it's driving me crazy! What am I going to do? I just don't know why they can't just share their damn toys w/out me having to step in and fix things all the time! I just need a break and will I ever get one? NO, of course I won't, so *and now into Rescuer/Enabler>>>>> I just need to suck it up, stop blaming them and take us all out to Chick-Fil-A for lunch. We don't have any money, but I can't take this anymore and I can't make dinner like this and then they'll know I'm sorry for yelling at them, they'll be distracted out of any further fighting, and life will be good again because wonderful me saved the day!!

The very sad part is, this has actually happened, it's a real example, not a theoretical one! :( So, you can see where there is self-doubt, and helplessness. I beat myself up for losing patience and not being able to handle my screaming/fighting children. Then I switch to putting the blame onto the children, completely avoiding the real situation and, ignoring my own needs for a real break, and load us all up and take us out to eat, which we can't afford (ignoring my financial needs)! Perfect one-woman drama- triangle-queen, all in my own head!! I am good. Ha-ha-ha! Ideally, the situation would be very different. Coming from a place of clear boundaries and no drama, I would have these two mantras in my head: "I hold others able to run their own lives," and "I am 100% responsible for what I create in my life." So, stepping out of the triangle, I recognize that I am the responsible adult in the house, and it is my job to, at some point, step in and lovingly re-direct the kids and help them learn to express whatever it is they are screaming about, so that they will actually become adults that can be held responsible for their own lives! It is very hard work, much harder than avoidance and Chick-fil-A, he-he! But, in the end, we all end up with feelings that have been listened to, a fairly descent compromise, and home-made fruit smoothies that are way better for us anyway!

My current therapist handed me a printout of the Drama Triangle on mine and my husband's first visit to her. This has to have been about two years ago, and I am just now able to understand it and see how it works, just these past few months. Before then, I just couldn't get myself into the right place in my head to be able to see it. I would catch my husband in a "role" and immediate start play Persecutor, not even knowing I was doing it!!! And I actually had to leave my head out of it and concentrate instead, on my Heart and Soul and to finally "get it." That's where things begin to get a little new-agey, a little more spiritual than what I've been talking about so far, and a LOT better than my life has ever been before! More on that another night...It's once again almost 2:30 in the morning (I think better at night!!) and I need to get some rest. I'm starting to think my Mom was right and maybe I should write a book....
Night!

A Quiet Moment

It's been a long couple of days. Right now my two older children are with friends at a pool party and my youngest is satisfied watching Dora. *actually that was written a couple days ago. it's now 2:36 in the morning on an entirely different day!* I don't know who reads this blog of mine and who doesn't, so I don't know what you know about my life and what you don't. I'm going to share some things here that I haven't written about yet. I have been in talk-therapy for quite a bit of my life. My Mom insisted I begin at 9 years old due to her and my Dad separating. Pay attention: This is not being written in order to induce pity from you to me. I am not pitiful, in fact I am powerful because of all that I have been through! I'm 34 now, and I have most recently found the best therapist that I have ever worked with. I had one that is pretty close to the best, when I lived in Spartanburg, but this one, whether it's her, me, or just time for things to click, is just getting the job done. Some people have mentioned to me that they just don't get talk-therapy, or that they just don't believe it does any good. I once felt that way too. And now I believe it is the therapist and how they work with you and how you work together. It also has a LOT to do with how honest you are. Through the years, I have dragged my husband, among other willing (i.e., crazy!) men that came before him, into therapy with me, always thinking that something would finally click and that THEY would finally get how much THEY needed to change in order to get along with poor, pitiful, there's-nothing-wrong-with-me, ME. He-he. :) I really didn't realize it was me until just last year! Now, this isn't to say that none of my past boyfriends or even my husband didn't contribute to the nuttiness of our relationships, it's just that I now realize I am a contributing factor too!!! As Carlos Mencia would say, "DEE-Dee-Dee!” And don't get me wrong, I always knew I was part of the problem, but I always thought I was busily working on being part of the solution too. Nope. Just makin' it worse. In the past four years and 3 months, I have been in therapy more often than not, and specifically with the two best therapists I've ever had. I've also benefited tremendously by having friends that are much more spiritual people than I have ever been around before! I have gained so many insights into how I think and why, and how to change it, or work with it, and I am ready to share some of this. This is not because I think I am "all that" or anything, but because every single person I have shared it with so far, one on one, has benefited in one way or another from hearing about my experiences and how I have grown, and through my enlightenment, they too have become wiser, and more willing participants in their own paths to find the real solutions to our daily, earthly problems. How's that for a cliff hanger intro to what's to come? He-he. I have to get some sleep or my children will not have the benefit of a wise and enlightened mother tomorrow, but instead what we call the "mean monster mommy!" Gggggrrrr! Hehehe! G'night and I will write more soon!

Following Your Instincts

Since my first child was born, I have been trying to tune into my body more; to listen in the quiet, to trust that I know what is best by following my own instincts, with guidance and of course tons of research. ;) No matter which choices I have made, a part of me always remains on the defense. From what foods I choose to give my family, to how to discipline my children, etc. I tend to project my own self-doubt out to others and then I convince myself that it is them doing the judging, not me! I have recently read a couple of blogs of some women that seem to be experiencing some similarities to me in that regard. I wonder why it happens that we are not confident inside ourselves, that we always look outwardly for approval or disapproval? One woman was venting about her mother. The woman has 5 children and another on the way. I can't believe she even allows herself to be in the company of her mother! Here is a direct copy from the blog: "She was so hateful as to tell me how people looked at me at Sams. She said "They looked at you like what the f*** does she think she is doing having all those kids and what the h*** is going through her mind and what kind of SH** makes a person have that many kids" She went on and on and on. What kind of mother would say that to her daughter?" Really now, is it our own feelings of unworthiness that allow us to tolerate such people, in the name of family, or love? I know it's her mother, and I know we all have to choose which battles to pick with those we love, but c'mon! You have to love yourself and know you are worth more than to put up with that kind of degrading talk!
In another Mom's blog, the author spoke about how when she goes home, she feels like the child again, though she is grown with children of her own. She mentions how it is hard to do what she knows is best for one of her children in particular, because the child has some, what seem to me to be, sensory issues. This is particularly regarding disciplining, or seeming not to, in front of her family. Now I understand the urge to want to explain your actions to others, I do it ALL the time. But why do we feel this way? Why is it so darn important what other people think about how we do things? I am learning that for me, it's a lack of faith and trust in my own instincts. It's that desire to make sure we are pleasing to those around us, so that they will love us back, or not stop loving us. Even to the point of sacrificing our own beliefs, passions, desires, etc. But here's the thing I've recently discovered: All the LOVE we need is already inside of each and every one of us! It doesn't have to be given to us by our parents, our loved ones, or our friends. It's already there! (Oh my gosh, I am NOT turning into one of those people that tell you all you need is love, am I???) You can call it God, or you can call it Energy, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it, but it's already there and it's all that needs to be there. I'm not saying it's not completely enjoyable to have the approval and love of those that we love. But it's not necessary to need to look for approval or acceptance, or even love, beyond ourselves. I'm not saying go nutty and turn hostile on anyone who doesn't agree with what you do for your family, haha! You just need to do what you know, by instinct, is right for you. If you reach way down inside of you, if you are quiet and still, you know it's there. We just need to direct it back to ourselves, instead of always outwardly in hopes of receiving back from others. Don't hold it back from others, but don't think anymore that you have to please anyone around you in order to be loved. I am working hard on this, and I wish everyone else would. We each have to make our own choices for our lives, our families, our children, etc. It's hard enough just to figure it out for myself, never mind everyone around me! Why add the pressure of needing to please your mom, or mother-in-law, or siblings, or friends, or anyone else? I'm just not going to do it anymore. Easier said than done, I am positive of that, but I will work on it. Off to feed my children some healthy food, because they deserve it, not because I'm aiming for someone elses higher standards. :) Have a good night!